Is it the children's responsibility to take care of their elder parent?

Mom was failing miserably due to Alzheimers. She'd fallen 3x and found her one morning locked outside her home thinking her son she hadn't seen in 20 years was coming to pick her up. That did it. I cared for her up until this last episode. It was exhausting especially having 2 teenage sons with sports, etc. I told her what was going to happen, I couldn't let her stay in her home any longer and sold her house. I then took her to 8 different assisted living facilities. I then narrowed it down to 2 choices for her to make. She made the choice and I moved her in. I continued to visit her 2 times/week and took her out for the day on Saturdays for lunch and a change of scenery. I took the bull by the horns, so to speak, and did what needed to be done against my siblings' wishes. Mom was mad at first but then turned around after a few weeks and became the social butterfly. It was the best move and she learned to love it there. Bottom line - if it's too much do what you must to make sure FIL is safe and well taken care of. Forget the money - these choices are costly - but it is money well spent not only for his sanity but for yours as well. Good luck.

My situation, too. My husband retired early to help his one older brother (already retired) and mom take care of Dad at home.
One meal a week and an occasional weekend shared by all siblings is not a bad problem, IMO.
Dad's live-in son really needs the time off, too.
In our situation, Dad has always shown a preference for my husband's brother. The favored son. This made me even more resentful of the time my husband spent away from me taking care of a man who had always treated him as an unwanted child.
I gritted my teeth, tried to help out some where I could. But, I put my foot down when my husband's health was becoming compromised from too little sleep and too much stress.
My own parents did not expect in-home care from their kids. Mom had cared in-home for her mom, and she would never have asked that of us!
FIL had his mom in his house for about 2 weeks. She was able to care of herself, but was having dementia. He shipped her off to a sister PDQ.
Yet, he expects his sons to give up their entire lives to take care of him. Literally--to the point of illness and even death.
So....every situation is different. Everyone on here has a story. You write your own.
My advice is same I gave my husband: Determine how many hours per week you are able to devote to Dad's care, explain that to the siblings, and help find hired help for the rest. Sounds like your husband and His siblings are doing that now.
My husband did more than he was able. His brother did even more. Finally, FIL is in a NH now and is better cared for and happier. Go figure.
Support your husband, but remind him that you need some (but not all) of his time, too. And he needs enjoyable time spent with you to help him relax and figure the best plan of action.

Hi Janet: Been there and done that. When dealing with the elderly it is like dealing with a child. I would suggest that you talk to your husband and have him talk to the siblings regarding the circumstance ( Ex: Take turns in taking care of dad ) and they should insist that elderly help be mandatory. There is nothing wrong with live in or custodial help even on a day time basis then move into live in help. Don't jeopardize your marriage over this but tell your husband how you feel there is nothing wrong with that. appeal to your husbands reasoning carefully. remember you owe your parents nothing but at the same time you do want to help where you can. Good luck. Keep me posted.

The Bible says children should "pay their parents back" by taking care if them when they're old. This does not mean you personally have to take care if yhem, but it dues mean you have to see that they're well taken care of.

I don't think our parents expect us to take care of them?!! However, I feel that I need to take of my parents out of love because they raised me and my brother in their past. My parents hated to lose their independence. I feel it is the children's responsibility to look out for their parents when they are no longer can focus for themselves and hiring caregivers when time is right.

I guess I feel different, my mom (90) is in assisted living and I am her caretaker, she feels terrible that I check on her every 2 days (feels like a burden) to me she would of never of wanted it for me @ my family, but she didn't get to sign an application to have dementia so she can't help that this ugly disease. is robbing her of everything, she was a wonderful mother to us kids @ I was very blessed to have her, so I am returning the favor, she was always there for me I will be there for her period

Do we "owe" our parents taking care of them? Who took care of YOU for probably 18 years????? Who fed you, made sure your clothes were clean, made sure there was food in the house, nurtured you when you were sick, took you places....and a lot of THEM worked full time, too, AND had other children! I'm sorry, but even if you can't take care of them full time, yes, you DO owe them!!!! If they have the means, yes, they should hire care, and you may be able to convince them that you would, as my parents have always said, "give it with a warm hand than a cold one" and just have the frank discussion that not having to worry about them falling in their own home alone, etc, means a WHOLE lot more to you than the inheritance will. We were lucky...our parents bought long-term care insurance and we finally moved them into assisted living in their 90's after my mom was hospitalized by a UTI. But both my sister and I visit them several times a week, call almost every day, and make sure they know they are loved and watched over. When Dad, who has Alzheimer's, was admitted to the hospital for 8 days, I was there every day from 5-11 hours a day. They gave us EVERYTHING when we were growing up...we will give them all we can NOW when the roles are reversed!

I am in this situation right now, and it's so difficult. My husband is 84, with Lewy Body Dementia which was diagnosed 4 years ago. He is getting much worse, to the point where he sometimes doesn't recognize that I am his wife. We have 5 kids, two of whom live way out of state. The other three are not very helpful on a regular basis, unless I ask for help. As primary caregiver, and 79 years old, with recently discovered health problems, I am in a quandary as to what to do next.

My mother is 104 and now has dementia. She has Social Security, but remember she worked part of the time before there was SS, so it is very little. She also has a very small pension for the short term she worked under one. There is no way for anyone to take care of her in my home so I have her in a dementia facility, but I am going broke paying for this. What needs to be changed is the Income Tax law since I can't claim her since her income, even excluding her Social Security is over $4,000 a year. Do you know anyone who can live on $4,000 a year with the needed full-time care she needs? Certainly not in California. Anyone with other tax information, please respond.

I am often surprised by some of the questions and answers I see on this forum. I believe that you are being selfish when it comes to your ideas of caring for a parent. Years ago parents and grandparents often lived in the same household. A lot has changed since then, however, your parents raised you. You should let them down especially as they start to age and have health issues. At least your husband has help from his siblings. That is something I don't have. My mother is 92 and still lives in her own home. I did move her closer to me, as my oldest sister who lived down the street from our mom didn't have much to do her even when she was rushed to the hospital because our mom fell. My sister won't even go to the hospital to stay while they examined her. I had to drive an hour away and take time off from my job to go to the hospital. Sick of my sister's attitude which is all about her, my one brother (who recently passed away) talked our mom into moving within 10 mins of where I live. My brother lived one state over but even he would come and get Mom and have her stay with him and his wife for a week or more at a time. Even when my Mom moved closer to me, he would come over for a week or more and stay with Mom. My other siblings live too far away to assist. Our mom relies on me for everything and I have had to rearrange my life and hers to make a good fit. My mom still drives to the senior center every day. I take her to doctor's appts, and grocery shopping on the weekends. I also take her and I to get body massages once a month. Sometimes if we have the extra money we get pedicures. I recently started doing water aerobics 4 times a week at the local YMCA. I love it and it really helps me with my aches and pains. I am 61 and I started having my mom join us 2 days a week. She really enjoys the time I spend with her and I make the best of it. She likes to go out to dinner with my husband and our 2 sons once or twice a month. I will do whatever it takes to keep my mom in her house and independent as long as possible. I also enjoy being able to keep my mom involved in her community and getting her out and about. My mom has some memory issues but when she stays active it helps keep her mind active. I hope that when it is my time my sons take care of me that they don't abandon me. Which is what it sounds like you want your husband to do. I hope I am wrong about that. If there is a way to enjoy this time while your father in-law is still alive then make the best of it. Every weekend you and the siblings could get together for a Sat or Sun dinner. I am sure your father in-law would love that. I'm sure he didn't intend to become a burden and as long as you treat him as a burden then it doesn't help you or him mentally. If you treat it as a time to spend with family and friends by having them over for a get together that it will help make the time not so burdensome. If the weather is good have cookouts and have him participate. Ask him questions about his life as a child and he will probably tell some pretty funny stories. Enjoy the time you have left with your elderly relatives. You never know when it will be you in their shoes. You get what you give.

Honor thy mother and father means that you make sure that they are clean, safe, and fed. It doesn't mean that you need to do hands on care yourself. Does the live in brother deserve time off? Absolutley, but it doesn't mean that you have to spend the weekends with FIL, taking a meal over to him and visiting is a nice gesture. Know your limitations and make sure that hubby understands what you, yourself, are willing to do and not do and stick to it. For those who drag up the whole they took care of you for 18 years, that argument is bologny and doesn't hold a whole lot of water. Your parents were not in their 80's when they had you. They were in theirr 20's or 30's when they had you and had the energy to raise kids. Your parents wanted kids. Your FIL's needs are going to go up as he ages and no matter what, live in brother is going to burn out. Then alternative arrangments will have to be made.

The fact that ANYONE thinks it is someone else's responsibility to take care of them is simply wrong. Child or not. It is your responsibility to take care of yourself, and that includes planning for the future and your retirement. If you are lucky enough to have someone who does want to help, that is exactly what it is: LUCK. There are many of us out there who don't have any children (me included) so it us up to us to plan for our future. Yes, I do have a spouse, but whose to say who will go first? Then what? And, the same goes for children. No one should EXPECT their parents or grandparents to leave them an inheritance. The money they make/have is theirs to do what they want/need with. It is the child's responsibility to grow up and take care of themselves. Again, if they are lucky enough to receive some inheritance, then that is exactly what it is: LUCK. I think this is the problem we have in the world today....no one wants to take responsibility for their own actions. They want to "blame" everyone else for their own issues/problems and make someone else responsible. People live way beyond their means....and way beyond their needs.... and make poor choices, and when they find themselves in trouble, they EXPECT others to jump in, give up their lives/needs/wants to bail out the one in trouble. Sorry, but it doesn't work that way. Parents need to let go of their children and let them stand on their own two feet, and that includes not worrying about leaving them any inheritance. If more folks did that, maybe we wouldn't have the generation of spoiled, "entitled" brats we have coming up in this world today. On the same hand, those parents need to "grow up" themselves and quit using "I want to leave you some inheritance" as an excuse for not going into assisted living or letting professionals help care for them when it is finally needed. They have had a chance to live their lives the way they chose (whether those choices were good or not was their own doing) and now it is time for their children to do the same free and clear of guilt or obligation.

It's not responsibility it's love and care. Ask yourself who will be responsible for you should the time come. Your husband? If you have the money to have someone else to attend the person then your responsibility would be that the attention is given. Remember. it's their job to attend not necessarily in a manner you might expect that's where love and care come in to the picture. I was sole care giver for my mom. My siblings lived out of town. The loving memories I have for being there can never be replaced. I hope I get the same but I don't have kids or husband. God blessed mom in the end with the best care as she gave my brother who was profoundly disabled the best care. Go visit your in-law alone, give him a hug, talk to him and bring him a treat.

In my experience, outsiders who are NOT taking care of aging elders say yes it is because parents took care of us with no strings attached. Personally, that statement is BS. Parents are legally bound to care for children they bring into the world. Children (especially those of us past 50 ourselves) , may have a myriad of things going on just be trying to stay afloat. Add ailing parents to the equation and it gets very complex. We ARE living in different times. People are living longer but some with horrible diseases that would have mercifully taken them in decades past. I keep hearing that 60% of CAREGIVERS die before the people they are caring for. There is a huge difference in making sure your loved one is being cared for and you being the one doing the hands on caring. The stress and adjustments can be huge, especially if the parent is in in your home or worse yet, you move in to their home. No matter how good a relationship you had before an illness, a chronic illness is stressful. Remember the saying," it takes a village to raise a child"? Well it is even more true that it takes one to care for an ailing parent. No one person can do it 24/7 without something else being sacrificed. Is it a child's responsibility to care for their ill parents?

I agree with Alzh101. There's really no way to equate caring for children with caring for the elderly. There's a lot of joy in raising children - that's why people do it. And those who can't will try fertility treatments or adoption. There's nobody out there clamoring to adopt the dependent elderly - that tells you something right there.

In addition, people become parents when it fits into their lifestyle to do it. My mother was a stay at home mom for most of my childhood - I'm not saying it was easy but it was what she chose to do, and my father earned enough to keep a roof over our heads and food on the table. She started working outside the home when my parents divorced, but by that time the older children (including me) could watch the younger kids, put dinner on, help with the housework, etc.

By the time our parents need help we've all fashioned other lives for ourselves. Families, jobs, homes in other states, etc. Being yanked back into daily contact with our parents usually involves a major disruption of everything we've put together in our adult lives. Assuming we're even well enough to do it and not overburdened by other responsibilities such as a sick spouse. It annoys the he!! out of me when people try to say that we owe our parents this humungous sacrifice because of all the sacrifices they made for us.

I don't mean any harm, but why do you resent it? We moved my MIL into our house until she passed away from cancer. We are currently living with my moms to take care of her. She has CHF and we have hospice. We moved in here last November and still work our 40-hour a week job. Has it been hard? Yes. Did we give up our lives? Yes. We have no regrets. I'd do it again in a heartbeat. I have a special husband that doesn't complain and helps me every step of our journey.

Your husband's primary responsibility is to his family--that is you and the children. Period. It is NOT to his father.

Traditionally, in America, the elder care burden fell onto the shoulders of the oldest daughter. Now that, for most families, women *have* to work in order to make ends meet / afford to raise their families in safe neighborhoods with good schools, the eldest daughter is really squeezed if asked to provide elder care and fulfill her duty both as a mother and a wife.

Your husband's father can afford care. He probably can afford an apartment in Independent Living (with contract assistance) or an Assisted Living facility. Your father in law should be spending his hard earned money on himself, by either paying for help or moving to somewhere where he can get the assistance he needs. This way, he'll have more time to spend with his grandchildren--and time with grandpa is more valuable than money from grandpa. By wanting family care beyond what you can reasonably provide, he is being extremely selfish and not doing right by his grandkids.

It's time for a family meeting between your husband and his siblings. They need to discuss caring for their father--what they are willing to do and how much time they can put toward this. In preparation for this meeting, I would advise your husband to visit all of the independent living and assisted living facilities, ask about bullying (bullying is such a universal problem in these places that I wouldn't even consider letting a relative live in a place that doesn't actively look for bullying and nip in the bud), lifestyle, health care and finances. He should also have information about the local senior support services. He should present to his siblings care options that he can afford.

When talking to grandpa about elder care options, I would use the 'hook', "being able to spend more time with the grandkids..." Should he receive help by someone outside the family, you'll have more time to be family. Being able to spend more time together as a family, where he can be with the grandkids, is much more valuable than any amount of money he can give the grandkids. That's how I would begin approaching him about getting care from an outside source, whether it's a home health care agency or moving to an Independent Living or Assisted Living apartment complex.

I am a fan of elder care coordinators, particularly if they're very experienced advanced practice nurse or social workers. I've had very good luck using one. They're expensive, but can be worth it. They are generally very knowledgable when it comes to the relative merits of local home care agencies and living arrangements, such as Independent Livings and Assisted Livings. You *might* want to pick the brains of one, for it might help narrow down which agencies / service providers or living facilities you might want to consider. An elder care coordinator just might speed up your research, but this sort of help doesn't come cheap, by any means.

When doing research on elder care providers / living arrangements, ask around. Let people know that you are looking for information, that you want the real dope on the services around. You never know who, amongst your acquaintances has been through a similar situation and is more than willing to share experiences. If you are religious--attend regular enough that people have seen your face--talk to the leadership. Many religious leaders are more than familiar with elder care issues and have experience visiting people who live in various settings / using various caregiving services. Another source would be your Council for the Aging / Senior Center. They have social workers who are usually familiar with the caregiving options available where your father in law lives.

How do I know these things? Been there, done that.

Good luck. I hope this helps
DoN

I've seen a case where the Husband thinks the care is his responsibility and then goes off to work and the care giving falls on his wife. This is not fair at all, yet happens all the time. If the elderly parent can afford independant living, this is much more rewarding for them because they are in a place where many others are the same age with similar interests and memories as they have. There are many activities they can join into as well, making the elderly one's life better.

Do you have children? If so were you a loving mother? When you become more frail will you want those children to help or say "sorry mom, not in the mood."? You model behavior for your children and they are watching.

I am going to be pretty direct here so be prepared. I am reading your story and am looking for a complaint in need of a problem to complain about. There are enough children and everyone is engaged enough that your husband brings dinner just one time per week. So if he stays a weekend it will be once every five or six weeks maybe less often? And this is a problem? There are people whose jobs take them out of town multiple nights a week -every week - and the stay at home spouse is understanding.

You cannot entertain yourself for one night a week? Create girls movie night and go to dinner and a movie. Join a mahjong or pakeeno group, Soak in a fragrance filled tub, make a banana split. Make this night all about your needs and not having to put anyone else first, spoil yourself.

On the weekend he cares for dad, get them to meet you for Saturday breakfast or dinner out, but the day is all yours if you want. If you get lonely go over to FIL house and visit with them a few hours. Challenge them to a game of chicken foot (dominoes) and make it competitive. Then say goodbye you'll see him Sunday at 6:00pm or whatever has been agreed to. Use that weekend for your visit to your parents, sibling, cousin, friend.

This time between your husband and father is precious. This man raised, fed, clothed, and gave life to your husband. He had a major hand in molding your husband into the man you selected to share your life with. The care your husband is extending to his father, he will extend to you when you need him. Thank heavens that this old man was willing to stick by and raise your husband, to grow into the man whose company you clearly enjoy.

In time dad's needs may increase to an unacceptable level. But the level of care you are talking about now is inconvenient, but not so demanding. This is what a loving family does for one another. Open your heart and be charitable to your husband instead of judgmental. He sounds like a pretty special guy, and your the one he chose to spend his life with, that says a lot about you too.

As others have mentioned & I totally agree with "It depends" & my story is Mom refuses to go to an extended care facility, not for money but because she doesn't want to leave her home... When my dad died, my unemployed brother had his foot in the door before Dad was buried, he said he would take care of Mom, so I didn't fight him. Now almost 20 years later, Mom is 82, just had a pacemaker put in, & she has GI issues which my brother hates.. I am over 800 miles away, & wish I were there for her, but she won't come live with me either, she just wants to be in her home. Family dilemmas and circumstances are so vastly varied, each situation has to handled in it's unique way. You have to find patience in yourself, at least your husband WANTS to help, unlike so many children, who always put their own lives first, & unwilling to help out in time of need... but suddenly show up to see "who gets what" at the end... (this shows one's true character when all is said & done) I want so badly to have Mom in a happy situation, she is doing what she wants, despite my brothers ill intentions!!

To some reasonable degree, yes but it really depends on the situation. If the parents were dangerous toward their children, if the children became a ward of the state for safety reasons, then no, in such cases they have absolutely no obligation to their abusers. Such was the case in my particular situation because my parents turned out to be killers who also wouldn't provide for their kids. In these types of cases, then no, absolutely not! Doing so anyway only puts you right back in danger and in harm's way because after you were rescued, you were expected to have a better life and make healthy choices. Therefore, taking care of your abuser in their old age and risking your safety all over again is not a healthy choice.

Now, if your parents were good to you then yes, you owe them something. If your parents were good to you then you should take as good of care of them as they did of you when you were little and throughout your childhood. Your parents carried you when you were little, now carry them when they're old.

Something I saw about the laws in China

According to something I saw online about Chinese laws, it's illegal for Chinese grown children to abandon their aging parents. Grown children must frequently visit their aging parents and provide for them. However, I'm not sure if there is a provision for those whose parents abused them, they should never be required to care for their abusers, doing so will only put those surviving children right back in danger.

* Had my particular incident happened in China, I would've fled the country somehow in order to get out from under the law of having to care for my abusers. If fleeing the country wasn't possible, I would've definitely vanished, never to be found again

As for me being in the situation I have to take the side of yes, we should care for our parents. It depends to what degree. If it is meals a few times a week, not so bad. If it is 24 hour care that is another story. So they give you birth, raise you, possibly pay for your education. Want to give you and grand children a inheritance? That is worth fighting over who takes care of dad? If he has to move in with you then its a different game. It is not selfish to care for your family, it is the right thing to do. If he has finances it is time to talk with him and have a plan. Also talk with siblings. My case there was not plan, I was the plan... "some assembly required and siblings not included"..... Your husband is doing the right thing but now is the time to plan...... before it gets worse.

Taking care of a child is nothing like caring for an aging, frail, sick parent or elder loved one. Under normal circumstances, children grow up, become independent, and take care of themselves. Our society today no longer knows what it's like to live in an extended family where parents, siblings, aunts or uncles, and/or grandparents lived under one roof. Life expectancy was much, much shorter. "Chronic care" was not a thing. Drugs did not keep people going for years and years. Those who fall back on these outdated stereotypes of family are misguided.

What you owe your parents and in-laws is honesty and respect. They also owe you that! However, many people are afraid of standing up to their parents. And there comes a point when parents, who start making bad decisions (financial, life), need to be helped for their own good.

My in-laws nearly ruined themselves financially until my husband stepped in, got durable power of attorney, and got them moved into an independent living building. He still takes care of his father but does not provide hands on care. He makes sure that his father has what he needs, and then some!

And shame on anyone who puts guilt on you for "fighting" with your husband about something this difficult. If you didn't fight about it, it would mean you didn't care. But you do care - about your husband and his father.

It is not easy to have these conversations with old people. It is infuriating how obtuse they can be. My in-laws lied to my face to get their way. It took many, many times of broaching the subject with them to get anywhere. Caregiving must work for everybody involved, and not just the elder.

I applaud your husband's sense of duty and love for his father. Perhaps it isn't his "responsibility" in the literal sense but certainly it should be in the loving/caring sense. I care for my husband who has LBD (form of dementia) and receive no help from his children. I do this because I love him and want only the best for him. It would absolutely make him feel loved and appreciated for all he did for them if his daughters would find time to spend with him and show respect and caring. His father obviously is important to him if he's willing to stand his ground on this issue and your support would show love and respect for your husband (maybe even offer to help too). Your attitude upsets me greatly.

Is it the Children's responsibility, well if you are kind and decent human being, then yes it is your responsibility, to see that they are in a Safe environment, well cared for, treated with respect, everything else is the gravy on top, but your husband seems to have come from a very nice family who does see it as a responsibility and a privilege, as they Love him, and work together to try and respect his wishes, and since there seems to be enough of them to handle the majority of the workload for now anyways, to meet his basic needs, without putting the burden only onto one, you should consider yourself lucky, as most of the time, it is only the one child who is doing Everything, while the rest of their siblings bail out on the parent for one reason or another.

I've been on both sides of the coin, having come from a family of six kids, where we all honored and enjoyed caring for both our parents until the end of their lives, and neither of them ever ended up in a nursing home.

On the flip side, my husband's Mom died, and his Dad came to live with us, while neither of his 2 siblings ever helped nor visited, nor ever showed any appreciation for their little brother at that.

It often boils down to how close and healthy the family is or how Dysfunctional they are, and then it quickly  becomes clear cut, how things are going to play out.

We had my FIL in our home for 13 years before it flat out became too much for us physically and mentally, and was beginning to affect our marriage adversely, so he was move to Assisted living.

Unfortunately that only lasted 9 weeks before he fell extremely ill with Pneumonia and Sepsis, and then a Cancerous Mass was found in his other lung, with mets to his chest wall and ribs, and Hospice was the only choice, as he is too old, too frail and weak to ever contemplate treatment, and he didn't wish to anyways, so he is now back in our home, On Hospice, bedbound, and waiting to die.

These are sometimes the difficult hand you are dealt, and it's up to you to decide how much you are willing to give, to support your own good conscious and values. We could send him to  Nursing home to die, but that's not in our make up to do so, so we will forward our best by him, as we have always done.

A lot depends on how much help you can put together with the family, hire in, or mange on your own, but in a family where so many are willing to chip in, I would consider myself Lucky, if you have ever read some of the struggles others have gone through on this site, you would see how fortunate you are! 

That doesn't mean that at some point there may come a time when it is too much even with all of the family working together,  as it is a very difficult job, but be honest with him in advance,  and he should understand,  and if not, you still will have done your best. But please be supportive of your husband,  as it is not easy being pulled in many different directions!  

I don't think it's the children's responsibility to care for their elder parents, especially if it's full time. If your father in law has money that money should be used to take care of his needs. I understand him wanting to leave his money to the grandchildren but in the meantime if he isn't using his money for his care it creates problems for family members.
I am in a similar situation, my father in law died suddenly 14 months ago and my husband and his sister take care of their mother who has Alzheimer's. My husband lives with his mother 4 days a week and my sister in law stays with her 3 days. I resent my husband for basically leaving me and his 2 children while he takes care of his mother who has money to provide care. I almost see us getting a divorce over it because he just don't get it. Our family needs to come first. Good luck with your situation, it's definitely not an easy situation or fix.

Wagon wheel...you a way nicer daughter than I am...if my mother treated me like that I wouldn't be calling her every day. How dare she be angry with you but then it sounds like she's a miserable person to begin with. So sad!
Ok...on the question at hand...your FIL has learned that if he refuses to hire care that his children will do what he wants. So then why should he hire care? As Ann Landers used to say "wake up and smell the coffee". Until the children of his decide to force him to hire care and cut back on their free services, it will not change. Can you resent your hubby being gone? Sure...but you should examine why. Is it a power struggle between the two of you? Or something else? I think counseling to get an objective person's perspective and advice would be worthwhile before this harms your marriage. If your husband won't go with you, which would be best, then go without him.

It feels like there's some information missing - if this has been a struggle between them for 3 years, what else is DH being called on to do besides providing dinner once a week? I think one thing that the sibs need to address is how long does everyone expect the live in son to put his life on hold.

A three-year argument with your husband on the matter of parent elder care CANNOT continue! It has already caused you undue stress, I can only imagine. It is not your responsibility to care for your parents. My husband (him 66) and I (70) have already put in place plans to care for ourselves and NEVER put that strain on our daughter. If you and your husband keep fighting one or both of you may fall ill from stress. The problem will  be solved if you both drop over because YOU will be the ones requiring care. That is "old school" thinking of grandpa leaving money to his grandkids. They have careers and have made their own money. Good  grief!

Dear Janet,

There are so many x factors with your question. But I feel that taking on the care of an elderly parent can lead to a lot a of anger and resentment. It is something that needs to be discussed openly.

My situation was different. My father was older when he had kids. My mother had divorced him and my siblings went on with their own lives, jobs, families, traveling. As the oldest of my sibling group, I did feel responsible for him. I was also the quiet one and never pursued having my own family. I'm not saying it was easy to manage, it wasn't. I also had my issues with my siblings but I did try. I tried to keep in mind the "Golden rule" but even in that I failed towards the end. Try to keep an open mind and make sure the whole family has all their options.