My husband and I have been having this fight for the last three years. His elderly father can't take care of himself yet wants to stay in his home. He can afford to hire live-in help but won't because he wants to leave the money to his grandchildren. Therefore, he expects his adult children to take care of him. All of them work and have their own families. They all take turns bringing him dinner one night a week and the unmarried son moved in with him several months ago. The son now has a girlfriend and wants to be with her over the weekend. The other children decided that when the live-in son decides to leave someone will stay with the Dad over the weekend. I resent my husband because I don't think it's his responsibility to be his father's caretaker and he does. Thanks in advance for any insight you can provide.
When a person is caregiving in the home, but vents something bad about her parent, it is, "You need to be more respectful of your parent. Honor thy father and thy mother."
Then if the parent is abusing the caregiving child, it is, "It is just they don't feel good. They're old and you need to learn about caregiving older people."
Then finally you get sick and it is, "I don't know why you didn't put them in a nursing home."
This is all written halfway as a joke, but we do hear these things A LOT. I've really come to believe that you can't please anyone but yourself. When it comes to caregiving, almost no one is going to be hapyy with you. None of the above statements really bother me. I still do choke on the "You owe them because they changed your diaper" statement. That is the dumbest statement on record.
Taking care of aging loved one is a very personal and emotional decision. Sometimes there's a lot of background info not revealed by poster as to why he/she will or will not take care of the aging parent/relative. The poster isn't intentionally hiding this information, it's just many of us post here - at our worst, darkest moment - because we're in the thick of it and we just want a place to blow off steam - now - so we go about our day.
How many siblings are there? Again if my husband needed to devote one weekend every 5 weeks to his parent I would be ok with that. Now if he needed to be there every other weekend...heck no! Are the poster and husband retired or working full time jobs? If they are both retired then I don't see an issue with devoting some time during the week to the parent. If both work that changes everything.
Every situation is different. I was very upset to see others harshly criticizing the poster for her feelings. Not all of us can be martyrs and give up our life in the care for a parent. Because then we are not prepared to deal with our own decline and will need OUR kids to do the same. I would appreciate some assistance from my kids but I do not want they involved in managing my day to day life. When I am at that point I should hope I will willing go to assisted living. I am certainly in no position to give up my job to care for my father.
The final point is that the elderly person in question does have the means to pay for care but chooses not to. That is the only selfish person I see in the post.
"Yes, you should take care of your parent no matter what". "How dare you not take care of someone who took care of you?", etc.
No.
No one can say what is right for anyone else.
Everyone's circumstances are different and it would be nice if everyone could see that and be supportive.
I would happily take care of someone who is appreciative. But my mother is judgmental (always has been), negative and selfish.
Years ago, before any of the current issues even started, at a family reunion a cousin asked my aunt, "What the h*ll is wrong with (mom's name)?"
Please, everyone, try to be respectful to others on the forum.
Yes, I have come to vent. But as my user-name says, I'm the "only child carer". If you have other family to help with your parent , consider yourself lucky.
When you marry a spouse, you marry his/her immediate family...the good and bad. You don't want your husband to resent you because it's clear he's made his decision. His siblings have made their decision and they may resent you too for trying to go against their father's wishes and their unified decision as siblings.
Can you have a heart-to-heart talk with your husband about your concerns on the long-term effects of his caregiving commitment to your marriage? Remind him you are his partner in life and big decisions should be thoughtfully discussed between the both of you.
You've had this fight now for three years with no signs of negotiation for hiring help for your father-in-law? You may have to put your resentment aside for now because your feeling(s) are only affecting your health and not your husband's and his siblings. Obviously feel free to vent your here because we all understand. However, there may have to be a major medical emergency with either the father or one of the siblings for there to be a wake-up call to everyone to regroup and decide it's time to hire extra help for the father.
As for me: I'm an only child with no other relatives to help me with the care of my mother. My father expired years ago. I took care of him, too. My mother doesn't have Alzheimer Dementia; she knows who is everyone and knows where she's at, etc. She suffers from the long-term effects of Vascular Dementia; she's lost her motor skills so she can't verbalize what she needs but her needs are so basic that I know what she wants or what needs to be done. (She also suffers from a slew of other issues). She is fully aware of her decline and this is frightening to her. I can see it her eyes. This is the reason why I won't put her in a nursing home. I want her to know that I'm there for her. I work from home and I also have part-time help come in to give me relief. My solocaregiving is definitely hellish but I'm thankful I have the opportunity do it. I've become a better and stronger person for it. It's not always Mary Poppin's over here. I've had my moments of resentment, too. But it's human to feel all the bad and all the good as life happens.
I skip over Spangled and DianneKK posts because I am definitely ***not interested*** in what they have to say.
It would be nice if you kept your nasty and judgmental attitudes to yourselves.
I'm really incredibly sick and tired of people getting blasted at this website. I know longer feel like asking questions around here because it happened to me as well. I still don't have another place to share things and ask questions but you better believe I hesitate if I ever think of coming here. That's what you do to people when you act like this!
I honestly cannot afford to take care of my mother and go indefinitely with only a partial or no income at all. That ruins my Social Security which wasn't much to begin with, my other finances as well, and it's not so simple.
I wonder if you're the same type of people who have judgments or attitudes against somebody who goes into retirement with no money and needs assistance from the government. Because that's where I would be. Do you want me on the street or under the bridge? I bet you'd kick me when you walk by, and if not that you probably vote for people to not have help.
Why should a professional get paid and not I?
My sister, who has relieved me for eight days in the last year and a half so that I could visit my out-of-state boyfriend, said "it's your mother" but she still had eight days to go on an international trip and my brother went on several. And she doesn't put up with any of the h*ll that I face with my mother. I love my mother desperately, that's why I came here to begin with, but I would like to be a functioning human being as well.
I don't own my own house, I do not expect or hope for an inheritance at all. But I need to get paid to do the work that likely a stranger would be doing if I were not here.
FIL has abundant financial resources and live-in care (no cost or low-cost) via adult son bunking with him. Not sure what adult son does for a living, but he certainly has low overhead expenses. One would hope that live-in son is socking away extra money, too.
Live-in son is advancing in a relationship with a woman. Which is totally befitting his age. But his living situation does not allow him adequate adult privacy with his gal. Yes, this is one dilemma.
Now, enter JanetPH's spin-off dilemma. Her hubby (another adult son) is being called upon to facilitate his brother's "booty calls." And hubby sounds quite willing.
Some would say "great." Some would say "not so much." Either way, it doesn't sound like hubby is willing/able to suggest an alternate way to handle this non-emergency.
Perhaps Janet PH is wondering how much less her husband will be available for his own household for future non-emergencies. And real emergencies. (They both often come in multiples.) And/or the VERY likely possibility that BIL is gearing up to spread his wings and move out.
Whose "first commitment" supersedes someone else's? Then what? How much will each of FIL's adult children willingly sacrifice to allow FIL to keep hoarding his $ for his grandchildrens' "legacy"?
And if the bro who currently lives with FIL has no children, perhaps he has grown weary of being the fall guy for a plan that couldn't possibly benefit his offspring -- because he doesn't have any.
I get the impression that Janet PH's hubby and in-laws have not challenged FIL's rigid thinking ....and perhaps are not acknowledging possible ripple effects.
And JanetPH is reviewing all the angles.
That's not treason, folks. That's rational thinking.
Things change and people need to change with them. Older people are often afraid of change. They've lived in a house for 60 years and want to die there. Usually the entire community around them has changed, so it's just the physical structure of the house. It can become like an isolated prison where older people live in loneliness. I have a feeling that the boomer generation and those following will downsize sooner and seek the company of people their own age. The only thing that will be a problem is the horrible prices they can charge as soon as someone says "senior" or "retirement."
For me, I want to be around people my own age. It's a lot more fun.
This is the norm in some cultures and some families. When you marry, one of the things that need checking into are what expectations exist within that structure and how your spouse feels about them. Don't expect that you will be able to change your spouse's attitude towards his/her family.
I don't personally subscribe to this idea. My mom got more and better care in a nursing home than we would have been able to give her.
Taking on the responsibility to care for a parent is difficult, and I personally feel a parent should not expect their children to do it, if they do not wish to. And, some adult children are simply not emotionally cut out to do it either, and may not have the patience to care for an aging parent.
If your husband wants to be involved in his Dad's care, then you may have to make a compromise to allow him to do so. However, his responsibility as a husband and father should be his first responsibility. I think it would be important for you and your husband to thoroughly discuss what would be involved, and how much time it will divert from your marriage, and your own family responsibilities.
Regarding the fact that your father-in-law doesn't want to pay anyone for care so he can provide more for the grandkids after he passes, isn't exactly fair. What I feel he's overlooking is the fact that long term care is essentially medical care, and if he (like most people) doesn't want to spend the money on it, that should not mean it's your responsibility to participate. Would he expect you to pay for his doctor bills? Probably not, so why should he expect you to provide care?
Some people will 'shame' an adult child if they choose to not become involved in caring for their parent, which I believe is wrong. Some people will also 'shame' the adult child should they think they should get paid for the care they provide to a parent. I struggled with that thought myself until my husband shared what his Mom's doctor stated, "Somebody is going to get paid for providing care!" so in other words if an adult child or other family member wasn't going to do it for free, someone else would be paid.
Hope some of those thoughts are helpful.
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I would bet Janet is a very caring and loving person especially since she was seeking help here.
Please don't go away Janet, there are a lot of help for wise and loving people here to help you.