My mother and I have always had a close relationship. She has always said I am her "success story" (I have 3 siblings) the plan has always been that sometime between 75 and 80 she would move into a tiny house my wife and I planned to build for her on our property. She showed up 6 years ahead of schedule last June, not for any medical condition just that she was bored living in Oregon and didn't want to work anymore. She showed up just as we received our first foster placement of a sibling group of four, ages 2-15 and expected me to set everything up for her. From her camper trailer (since the tiny house can't be built yet) to her HULU account. Those kids were able to reunite with their mother (yay) and we now have a 2yo and a 3yo (who we will be able to adopt next month 💜💜) Less kids make it easier but a year later and 10,000 conversations with my mother and her expectations are still more than I can live up to. Some of it is just annoying like needing to redo all of her streaming accounts for the 8th time because she keeps changing her passwords then forgetting them, others are dangerous like running the weed wacker through gravel near the toddlers. Everyday she acts more and more helpless (today was how to clip her dog's nails, the dog she has had for 10 years and clipped just fine up until today) and lonely and sad, but when I try to get her signed up to do things at the senior center (now that she is vaccinated and the center has reopened) she is offended, why would she want to hang out with a bunch of old people? She constantly offers to help and I usually say "nope I'm good" mostly because she raised me that needing help is weak and if you can't do something by yourself "God must have not had that planned for you". But that was making her "feel useless" so I tried to sometimes agree to her help only for her to then only do half of the thing, do the thing so poorly it has to be undone and then redone, say she doesn't want to do THAT thing, or say she will but then never actually do it. Everytime I step out of my house she wants something from me. I sneak out the back door and over the back fence during the kiddos nap time just to have some outdoor alone time and have literally hidden in the bushes when I hear her coming. We have had so many conversations about boundaries and I have managed to get her to not invite her friends into my house uninvited and unannounced (during frigging COVID pre vaccines! When she knows my kids are immune compromised due to their previous neglect and malnourishment)
She offers to watch the kids so I can do the 10 million things that need to happen on a 6 acre property (in the heart of fire country with goats, chickens, and alpacas that was abandoned for 4 years before we bought it) But when I have had to take her up on that I come back to kids who have soiled themselves because not only does she not do diapers, she won't even help them use the potty. Or she doesn't want to watch them outside in their yard (built with their therapist full of sensory development stuff just for them) so she brings them into the sitting room full of mud and lets them rampage the house so she can watch TV.
She pays no rent, no electricity, gas or internet, receives social security and snap but complains she's broke.
Growing up she was a wonderful mom, and up until she moved here one of my best friends, we talked nearly everyday, but now the sound of her door opening makes my whole body tense and I'm just ready to snap over the smallest thing. I am dreading the future when she really isn't capable of taking care of herself and needs the level of care everyone on here gives, I already don't think I'll be able to do it but I am not sure who it will be. My brother is disabled, my younger sister stole Mom's house and my older sister is a "on this episode of Hoarders" level hoarder that Mom refuses to even visit let alone live with. So she's here to stay and I gotta figure out how to deal for the next 10, 15, 20, 30? years.
Every household should have these programs for security and ease of use.
Or has she always been one to need a lot of help with life's daily stuff?
If newish, you may be seeing some cognitive decline. Families often notice years before a Doctor will (in a short checkup). A simple screening test by Doctor may be done which will indicate if further neuro tests (for a base line) should be done.
You may need some stealth tactics to get this started.. Call the Doctor first, make the appointment & sell it as an 'annual checkup'.
If Mom has always been a bit needy in the life skills area, this will probably get a lot worse with aging. So either way - same result - which is she will need Independent Living with home services or Assisted Living. What often happens is the elder lobs onto their favorite or kindest adult child & expects they provide all the assistance. They either lack the skills & independance to go find the help they need or some may feel entitled & choose not to look elsewhere.
You may be.forced into helping her find the AL she needs or YOU become the AL!
This is why I say *don't lose hope*. Maybe you can't *fix* but you do have choices.
But the fact is, even if she snaps out of this...she is getting older and will only become more dependent and needy. If there is Alzheimers in the family, I would have her checked just to start tracking how she does and get a baseline.
You may have a more serious problem than you think. Start keeping a journal of day to day issues. Revise it after a further 6 weeks to 3 months. See if anything else is going haywire, and if it is, or if things start going downhill faster, get medical advice.
In fact a lot of it reminds me of someone with borderline or narcissistic personality disorder. She is bored of working but expects everyone else to work hard for what they need, and if they don't have something God doesn't want them to have it? Must be nice to be so special you're the only one exempt from that rule.
As generous and sensible as your original plan seems, to give her a place to live where you could all be independent, I think it's complicated by your sense of obligation and duty. As a fellow mom, the idea of looking at my teen and tween kids and thinking "they sure owe me for parenting them" makes me nauseous. Ditto the idea that I would extract a promise from them that they have to do anything for me, like a free place to live some day, is a no go. Some things don't work out, like it seems like this living arrangement isn't. And none of that seems to be your fault.
You've requested a peaceful life, with the same level of contact that people have with a pleasant parent who lives in another town. And her response is that since you're providing her with a home (on your property! for free!) that further obligates you to spend every waking moment attending to her needs and entertaining her? Yikes. I hope you work it out so that you can have some peace and focus on your family: by which I mean your wife and children. Parents owe children, and spouses owe each other their attention, engagement and presence. Adults choose their relationships with other adults (you and your mom) based on care and interest and mutual respect. You get to decide what's best :)
Thanks for your response. I understand the emotions that you feel. You are grateful for her support in your life, you appreciate her dedication to you, especially as a single mom, You are extremely generous to her by allowing her to live with you and your family. Frankly, this is your decision to make. I respect that.
I am sure that you realize that she most likely isn’t going to change her behavior. Sometimes we feel if we have a heart to heart conversation with others that they will understand how we feel and hope they will respect our wishes. Ha! It’s not always that easy. Am I right? We can speak to them until we are blue in the face and it will do no good.
I honestly don’t know what else you can do in this situation, since you have had discussions with her. You will have to tune out her outburst of tears when you have set your boundaries in place. Walk away if needed or ask her to leave if she is visiting you.
I know a woman who was distraught because her mother in law was driving her batty. She told her husband that if his mom didn’t leave, she would leave him and take their kids with her. Fortunately, her husband told his mom that she had to find other living arrangements and their lives returned to normal. Marriages can take a big hit if a stressful situation continues. Children are caught in the middle of it all. It’s a stressful situation and it’s difficult to see the big picture when we are right smack in the middle of it all.
I am glad that your wife is supportive of your choice. She sounds like a terrific woman! I hope somehow this works out for all of you. Best wishes to you and your family.
Before the pandemic, I hired aides for my mom but she has dementia and I didn't want to quit my job to sit at home and care for mom. Mom would just shut herself in her room but eventually became friendly with the aide and I would say "talk to the aide, ask the aide....did you walk outside with the aide" etc.
Good luck, Hope.
Another funny thing, I am pretty awful at tech to. She expects me to know everything and here I am when I have tech issues I can't sort I go begging to my brother in law "Please fix, make work? What can I make you for dinner?"
Hopefully working again gets her out of her funk. Even though that's the whole reason she's here is that she doesn't want to work anymore? Whatever! It's best not to ask questions. (I need a head slamming table emoji)
I would get some help with this. See someone. You seem to have made the decision that LTC isn't an option. If that is the case, then you may need to have your Mom hire some folks to assist her with things she cannot do/should not do. That will be a big help. If she cannot handle Hulu, Netflix, printer and computers and cell phones, and won't HIRE the help, then she shouldn't have them. I have a partner who does all that, but the day he isn't here will be the day all that stuff isn't here as well, and I am down to a dial radio and my jitterbug phone. I can handle them. Computers I will do in the library.
Wish you luck. Venting is fine, and we all need to do it when we are caregiving in any way. But venting here will get you opinions or suggestions as well. Many may be unwanted. If they are, let them sit and move on. You've a lot on your plate. I sure wish you good luck moving forward.
I don't want to manage her at all; stay out of my house, unless invited, don't hoard the property and don't catch anything on fire. And a new addition: Something about not ambushing me everytime I set foot out the door.
During the height of Covid we were very strict about her not having close contact with us or the kids for 2 weeks when she would go out of state and come back, and she resented that we were "controlling her life". Nope, go ahead it is YOUR life but it is our duty to protect our kids as best we see fit. You want to go back to Oregon for a week just to go see your friends and your favorite beach? Cool, take good pictures. Great! Yes, go to Oklahoma to see your new great.grandaughter. Bre isn't worried about you flying during a pandemic to come hold her newborn? Great I am happy for you both. We see things differently and our children will stay 6ft away and only see you outside for 2 weeks when you get back. She was so mad about that, and accused me of holding her grandchildren hostage to control her just like my younger sister. (Younger sister threatened to never let Mom see her kids again unless Mom signed over her 3br 2bath house to her, so she did then sis told Mom she was no longer welcomed to live there -in MOM'S home!)
So maybe that is a conversation we can have, all us adults are vaccinated now, things are opening back up, Go. Do. Be free. Live your life. Enjoy your retirement. We got everything here on the homestead, we're good. Shoo. Go play.
"Is it OK to vent?"
Well yes! Vent away
"No hope of a fix?"
NO This is a word that will change your life. Seriously.
HOPE There can be hope.
Of
A
FIX Some things can be fixed, some can't - but there can be CHANGE.
I have so many questions for you... but first... Plant a tiny seed of hope 🌱
You are taking in children to nurture, to watch & encourage them to grow well. From whatever their backgrounds, you want them to have many hopes for their future, right?
So do it again! Make it ANGRY this next time. How dare she? Who does she think she is, inviting her friends around as if it was her place? Why is she ‘promising’ and ‘offering’, if she's not going to do it? She’s just making herself feel good, but can’t she see that it’s making you feel worse? She’s just dumping more and more things on you, isn't she? She was a good mother to you, why can’t she do even the minimum for her foster grandchildren?
If you vent a bit more, you can then move on to ‘what are we going to do about this’? Good luck!
I vent to my poor wife nearly everyday. She agrees but reminds me that Mom Is getting older and likely Can't do everything she used to do, and that tech stuff wasn't part of her generation, and that it hurts Mom's feelings that she isn't needed, and she has nowhere else to go, "Yeah it sucks, but she's your mom and we love her"
When my wife is home she tries to intervene and do the 10,000 stupid little things Mom's always asking me to do to take that stress away from me. (DearWife likes my mom more than I do at this point.) Mom gives DW her space, she never asks her for anything or to do anything and often when DW offers help with whatever, Mom declines because she "doesn't want to be a bother 😳" DW thinks it's because I am her daughter she expects it of me (whatever it may be)
Since inviting her friend into my home 1 time, and me going nuclear on her, she hasn't done that again. She is a very social person. I am not. My home is my sanctuary, she can have people into her home if she must, but never EVER again into mine. Plus we have a guard dog I had to literally tackle to the ground as it lunged for this lady's throat when Mom just opened the door and let the lady through 1st without knocking or anything (are you trying to get your friend mauled?) I told her next time I wouldn't stop the dog. (Of course I would, I love my dog and would rather not get sued) All because her friend "wanted to meet the kids" WTH? So yeah I got through to her that time, maybe I just have to nuke all of our conversations to get my points across.
She adores the kids, she's all love and cuddles, and walkabouts and toys which is why I thought (at first) that this was the one offer that was sincere and she'd do well at, hanging out with them while I put the door to the chicken coop back on heavier hinges after the bear ripped it off to eat half the flock. But I come back to an empty yard, them inside smelling horrible, running a muck destroying the sitting room (as kids do) while she watches SVU. Why? "The kids said they were cold, (it wasn't cold) oh dear your right he does need a diaper change. She used the potty, no I didn't flush it or wipe, didn't she?" So it's not that she doesn't love them she just doesn't do anything but love and play with them. Which is fine, perks of being a grandma, but stop offering to take care of them, and now guilting me that I act like I don't trust her to know how to take care of kids.
What are we going to do? I don't know. Go nuclear to get her to leave me alone? We have the means and intention to take care of her so she doesn't have to work. That is fine if she would just leave me alone.
She doesn’t call the shots. Your place, your rules. If she cannot abide by them, she needs to go. She can fuss all she wants, but it’s her choice.
Your mother may have some dementia or other issue, but it mainly sounds like she is lazy and entitled. She quit working and moved by you because she was bored and didn’t like to work?! Seriously? Everyone gets bored and doesn’t like to work, but that’s life. I hate getting up early, but I like to eat and have a home, so I do it.
She moved in with the intention of you waiting on her and pampering her. She regarded you as her favorite child, so she still expects you to obey and make her happy because that’s what a favorite child does.
She is 70 and has worked since she was 16, I think she Is entitled to not have to work anymore and we Can afford her to be here for free. If she would just leave me alone and go about enjoying her retirement, without stalking me all around my property everyday.
Yes, it’s okay to vent. We all do! This is a support group. I can clearly see that you have your hands full. You are young with your own responsibilities and now have your mom to contend with.
This isn’t about what mom was like in your youth. I am sure that she was a terrific mom. You need to be focusing on the present. I sense that you feel a sense of obligation to care for your mom. Many of us have gone through the same emotions.
Due to certain circumstances I became the primary caregiver for my mom. It’s a tough job! I was raising a family when mom moved into my home. The truth is even without children it’s hard to care for a parent in our homes or as in your case, a separate living area. With children, it’s even harder!
I am sorry that your mom isn’t interested in the senior center. My mom wasn’t interested either. Then her health deteriorated and she couldn’t participate in anything outside of the home. She died recently in a hospice house.
You are one step ahead of the game by knowing that this isn’t a good situation for everyone involved. You have your own needs. Mom has her needs. What is her financial situation?
I would not expect her to care for your children. Her responsibility is to care for her needs. She can be the doting grandmother. She seems to have a few cognitive issues. Has she seen a doctor lately?
The same applies in your role as a daughter. Go back to being her daughter instead of caring for her on your property. Speak to a social worker to find out what options she has to manage her life elsewhere. Does she have any serious health issues?
Do you have any apartments in your area that caters to seniors in your community? They will base their rent according to income. My brother lived in an apartment building like this and he liked it. Do you think that she is able to live alone without someone to look after her? Would an assisted living facility or nursing home be better?
Keep us posted on how things are going. Wishing you all the best. Take care.
She has always barely scraped by, and has no savings or assets, but has managed to also have no debt so yay for that. She gets $800 a month in social security and snap, her medical is through Medi-Cal.
I have never asked her to care for them, she comes and asks to and now that I never agree to that after the couple of the incidence I already talked about she is "hurt and offended" that I act like I don't trust her or think she doesn't know how to care for kids.
She just went to her GP not long ago and got a glowing report, all her numbers are so good they took her off her BP meds, bit I doubt they got into mental stuff. She won't go to therapy (my psych 101 diagnosis) I think she's depressed, but she refuses to go even though i offered to pay for it. Therapy is fine for me but "not for her."
I got her into an adjusted income apartment 9ish years ago and she only stayed for 6months then broke her lease to move in with her boyfriend. When that relationship ended (badly) she transitioned from 'normal' IHSS caretaker to a live in caretaker and had been doing that until last year. Her last client has asked her to come back but she doesn't want to "work until she dies".
She's perfectly capable of living alone but (I think) doesn't want to be alone.
She has her own place on our property, we can afford for her to be here for free. And I do think she has earned to not have to work anymore. If she would just stop (what it feels like to me) trying to sabotage me. We have exactly what we can handle with the land, farm, kids, finances. We can do it all without anyone else, but she keeps offering to help, guilting me into accepting her 'help' then making disasters and then later wanting me to do all of her stuff for her.
I am happy to support her if she would just leave me alone. Come up to the main house for dinner a couple times a month, hang out occasionally, talk on the phone (I know that's crazy but for reals haha) just stop stalking me. Live your life, let me live mine.
It could be both.
You owe it to your family and to yourself to get mom a good neuropsych assessment and find out what state her thinking and planning skills are in.
Do you have POA for finances and healthcare? Get them now.
She just went to her GP and everything looks good, they even took her off her blood pressure meds cuz her numbers are so good, but I doubt they delved into any neuropsych stuff. She took care of her mom with Alzheimer's until I was 3 and Gram passed at 61, so that also runs in the family 😕
As far as finances, she has none, Social Security and food stamps and Medi-Cal. She owned the land and home I grew up in free and clear but signed it to my younger sister 9ish years ago (when sis threatened to never let her see the grandkids again if she didn't, and then told mom she wasn't welcome there.) At that time I got her into an adjusted income apartment. She stayed less than 6 months then moved in with her boyfriend. When that relationship ended she transitioned to doing live in care for the elderly and had done that until last year. Her last client has asked her to come back but she doesn't want to "work until she dies"
She has no savings (but also no debt so yay for that) and no assets. I am her retirement plan, which we can do financially as it is, if she would just stop being such a .... pain