Is it right to feel hate for your Mom?

Feelings are neither right nor wrong. Sure, negative feelings can stem from an inappropriate assumption or expectation, but in your case, Mom is not letting you attend to other family members or your own well being and is making your life stressful and miserable. Your feelings are telling you something has to change.

I can't imagine feeling nothing but sweetness and light towards someone who is repeatedly and unnecessarily making your life harder than it already is or has to be. You would not be human if you did. "Honor your mother and father" is very important, but it does not require you to deny negative emotions, only to make loving and appropriate decisions for their well-being, and to conduct youself honorably despite your negative emotions. St. Paul says "Be angry but do not sin"
and there is a nice reference on this at biblehub.com/ephesians/4-26.htm. St. Paul goes on to say you should not let the sun set on your anger - in other words, you try to work things out with people if you can and not let it fester...but again, if that's not possible, something else needs to change so you can live at peace with them, or without them if can't be done.

Either you can reason with your mom or you can't. If you can't then you set limits. If Mom is so seriously ill or frightened and calls you to come home from a much neeed outing or respite, then it is either an emergency and you can meet her at ths hospital in an hour or so, or it is not and you can check it out when you get home. (BTW do you have a medical POA?) The manipulation is pretty transparent and pretty lame, so I am thinking she is starting to lose her judgement and empathy skills; if she weren't, she might notice that all the pulling you in is really driving you away, though I guess this sort of thing happens to couples all the time, one wants more attention and the other wanst more alone time, and as needs/wants go unmet the vicious cycle escalates.

The bible says to honor your father and mother. If you mother bugs you, find out what the problem is. Tell her that she is doing something that really upsets you. You may be able to fix it. Hate in not an option.

It's tough and you can't go on like this. Your mom is right "you ARE mad at her". And you have right to be when she's manipulative and won't stay with a sitter.

Agree with other posts, next time, leave instructions for sitter to call 911 first and then you. Tell mom before you go that that is how it's going to be.
Next, time to have family conversation and make a long term plan for mom. That may include entering AL, getting regular in home caregiving help, attending adult daycare and having sisters help out at night or other....but you will have to be able to step away from this 24/7 care responsibility.
For now, maybe mom needs to go with one of the sisters or respite care for 60 days or so while you concentrate on managing stress and your headaches. You will need more than a couple was to do this.

Good luck

Jacob, I feel so bad for you. I know the position you are in. Your mother's dependence on you sounds like it is ruining your life. We can end up feeling responsible for them -- more responsible than we really are. I think it is pretty normal that resentment after a while turns into hatred. You hate what she has become and you hate what it is doing to your life. Does she have any "episodes" when your sisters are with her while you work, or are they caused by the discomfort of having non-family members coming in.

Some elders (fortunately not most!) get into playing a game of "Don't leave me. Can't you see how sick I am?" I don't know what else to call it. My mother played this game with my little brother, even though he rarely saw her. Anytime he went on vacation she became very ill. It didn't make any sense, but it was pretty consistent. I think in her case she was maybe a bit jealous that he was taking his family on vacation and not her. I wonder if maybe your mother is doing this.

People often talk about how many elders become narcissistic as they age. When it becomes bad they can totally shut out the needs of others, including their own children. If you mix it in with a dependent personality, it is a perfect storm for disrupting their children's lives. It sounds like this may be happening to you and it is no surprise that you feel the way you do.

The only suggestion I would give is to work on the way you are feeling. Anger, resentment, and hate put you at risk. The feelings harm you even more than the caregiving does. Surprisingly, you can change the way you feel by your thoughts and actions. If you're angry, go for a walk or rake leaves. Breathe slow and deep and think good thoughts about you. There are so many things you can do.

I know you are presently limited in what to do about Mom. It sounds like you are doing things even better than most of us do. The only thing I would say there is to live your life and try not to live hers for her. You don't have to be so available. You can tell the sitters what to expect and tell them to call 911 if they do think it is an emergency. (Do they know how to check her vitals?) Maybe your mother's doctor will prescribe a mild sedative your mother can use when you are out with your family. I wish I knew the answers, but after living with my mother for 5 years, I know that sometimes you just have to shut them off and live your own life.

If your mother has dementia, her behavior may not really be her personality and she can't respond to rational discussion. You need to seek some help. Check into a nursing home. It isn't healthy for you. My mother was the same way to my sister when she lived with Mom, telling her to get out one year on her birthday. We finally got her to go to assisted living. My sister was still her primary caregiver. She was having mini TIA and had vascular dementia. After one hospital stay that out her on an antipsychotic med and she became loving and appreciative again. Before she had us sisters all crying all the time saying such mean things. Ask her doctor to evaluate her and seek different living arrangements for her. Do it for both of you.

Jacob, I understand how this feels, but if my experience matches yours then I can promise you the hatred will pass. Your mother is treating you badly, but there are reasons for her behaviour that are not her fault. She does this silly panic nonsense not because she wants you to be miserable but because she is afraid. She's seeking proof that you will always be there to rescue her - it's an extreme form of reassurance that she's after.

Of course, she is "crying wolf" and we all know what happened to the little boy who did that… But then the difference is that she is not a rational child who can be educated. She's a vulnerable elder who can't reason and is acting purely on her immediate feelings.

You have to do the reasoning for her. Do continue to go out, in fact you should aim to increase the number of occasions over time. Explain to the sitter exactly what is going on when your mother goes into panic mode. Draw up a little booklet, if you like, with Standard Operating Procedures: what needs checking, what constitutes a genuine emergency that justifies calling you, what can safely and firmly be ignored. You'll need to train the sitters in handling her, but with patience and consistency they should get the hang of it. Be very open with them about where the boundaries are. Be very open and clinical about her symptoms with your mother, too. "Your chest pain is real, but it is called 'psychosomatic.' That means it is harmless. The sitter knows how to check your heart, and if there is really anything wrong then she will call for help. Try not to worry. I will be out until 11pm, but until then the sitter will look after you." Etc etc etc.

You are entitled to time off, and you're paying the sitters to cope. Let them cope. Nothing awful will happen.

The stress you're under is enormous, and the feeling of suffocation is terrifying - I have spent weeks torn between screaming, crying or literally running round the kitchen in circles. You begin to understand why animals gnaw their own legs off when they're caught in a trap. It is not surprising that you feel hatred for the person who is at the root of this, but once the penny truly drops, and you take to heart the fact that this is not her intentional fault, and fully realise that she is not responsible for what is happening, then the mist will clear and you'll see that it's a hateful situation that you can change and get more comfortable in, rather than a person who is doing you harm.

Is it right to feel hate for your mom? No! It isn't! It is not okay that you feel like this - not okay for you, that is. It's a horrible feeling for you to have. I really hope you can get through this phase and start to feel relief very soon. Best of luck, please update.

From what i have learned, once you feel resentment you need a big break. Maybe it's time you came down with the "flu" like a good week of "flu" tell your mom you will be calling her and won't be picking up any phone calls. Get a sitter for her for your scheduled times. If you don't give yourself a break you will get yourself sick. You are important too and you should do things you LOVE to do. It's not all about your mom.

The problem isn't your Mom. It's your inability to have an adult to adult relationship with your Mom, rather than a child parent relationship. You are angry with your Mom. Why can't you tell her what is bothering you? Why don't you call her, bluff. Tell the sitter to call an ambulance, and you will meet them at the ER. Why don't you stand up for yourself?

You are in a bad dynamic. You are being manipulated, and somehow you feel it is disrespectful to stop the manipulation. Her needs have become paramount, and your needs are neglected. This is a life long response, putting your needs last, suffering self hate and stress because of the neglect. The fastest and best way to break this and become healthy is therapy. A good shrink will give you the skills and the words to deal with Mom. More important, the shrink will give you self esteem, be your best friend, and relieve some of that stress. It is work hard work, but so worth it. It is freedom and happiness. You could fix it on your own, but it would take years, or you could see a psychologist.

I feel for you. I handled my life the same way, anger headaches, rather than confront the ones I love. I never put my needs first. Therapy has been a miracle for me. I highly recommend it. For what it's worth, I think your wonderful, taking care of your Mom.

I feel your pain. No it is not unusual to feel this way and it doesn't make you a bad person. You sound really! stressed. I am so glad you wrote to this website. You will find many people on here that have had or are still feeling the same way you do. I am one of them. After 2 yrs. of my mom living with me I am just starting to exhale.I know anytime I try to start to do activities for myself her "health" takes a suddent turn for the worse, had it out with her about this a few days ago, told her I would call 911 and the ER could take care of her better than I could and that I would not be going to the ER with her she had a sudden recovery and even went out shopping and out to eat that day with her paid companion.My mother has narcissistic personality disorder,NO dementia,I even had to go to a therapist in order to be able to deal with her behavior.I would call her bluff, if you are out somewhere and get one of these "chest pain" calls ,go ahead have the sitter call 911 and send her to the ER,the ER can do more for her than you can if she really is having chest pains, I would warn her about "crying wolf" to much.Has she been screened for dementia? Also have a good talk with your sisters, calmly, if she is saying things behind your back to your sisters this is manipulative behavior,meant to divide and conquer. You and your sisters need to be on the same team.Actually , you are ahead of others if your sisters are staying with your mom during the day so you can hold a job.If you read this website there are so many siblings that do absolutely nothing to help the caregiver.I have had to set firm boundaries on my mother's behavior,now that I am starting to do more activities for myself I told her that if she started have "problems" I was just going to call 911 and she would be taken to the ER, if this was at night I would not be going to the ER because my night vision is gone as far as driving is concerned, and if they admitted her I would call an agency and get her a sitter. I think what got her was I would NOT be running to the ER for every complaint.She couldn't control me with "illness".As sheis 78 and does have legitimate health issues I have to listen, the one time I don't believe her she could be telling the truth, that is the h*ll of it.I have also had the "crying wolf" discussion with her,again she does not have dementia. A person with dementia, that is a whole other ballgame.So please, somehow , get her screened for dementia,does she have a history of mental illness,.? If you are dealing with a person with dementia that changes the whole picture and you will need to find a support group for families that have these kinds of elders, this will be for you, you will need the emotional support and it keeps you from feeling like you are crazy. Being angry all the time is going to hurt you, I won't say stop feeling that way, it can't be turned on and of like a light switch.Your headaches are probably from the stress of the situation, again , this is hurting your health.And tell your sitter, that the next time mom complains of chest pain she is to call 911 FIRST,this is what should be done if someone is actually having chest pains,then she can call you,calling you first would only be a delay in care.Make sure the sitter understands this and is not manipulated by your mother,by the way who is paying for the sitter? Please keep coming to this site, their are a lot of nice people with good information that are dealing with these same issues and you will get a lot of emotional support.Remember, take care of yourself,this is not selfish, if something happens to you how is this going to help your mom?


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I think it's normal to feel resentment toward the person we care for especially if we have given up any kind of life of our own in order to do so.

Because of your headaches and your increasing resentment toward your mom I think it would be good for you to investigate placing your mom in a nursing home or assisted living facility. It's not going to be good for you to continue on this way, it will only get worse.

Does your mom have "emergencies" when you are at home or only when you're with your own family? The next time you're out and the sitter calls you with an "emergency" ask to speak to your mom and try to determine if it is, in fact, an emergency. If she insists it is then tell her you're calling 911 and will see her when you get home. See if that doesn't help her feel better.