My husband had to become his 65 year old brother's caregiver because he fried his own brain on pcp in the 80's and now has the mentality of a 5 year old, we have now had him living with us for 9 of the worst years of my life, his brother doesn't wash his hands, he put his hands in his mouth any chance he gets, and I really don't want to say where else he puts his hands every day, he has ran off one of our cats, he has ruined every cooking pan we have, he lies he steals from us, he has even tried to burn down every house where we have lived, he talks and yells and makes hand gestures at the TV so we can't watch anything on tv, after 9 years of this living hell, I am ready to run as fast as I can not look back, I Love my husband, but I can't take anymore of his brother's daily BS.
Did their parents make him feel obligated to take care of his brother? That does not necessarily mean having him live with you, when a facility would be safer and better able to address his needs.
Can you start looking for facilities and present them to your husband?
Have the 2 of you talked about other options for his brother, like a group home or the like?
If your husband is content with the way things are in your household, then you really don't have a choice but to divorce him, and he and his brother can live happily ever after together.
But honestly I can only imagine that your husband is just as disgusted as you are, so sit down with him tonight and let him know that if his brother doesn't get placed in a facility soon that you are leaving and filling for a divorce.
If you've been honest with your husband about how this is impacting your relationships, but he still refuses to transition him elsewhere, them he is choosing him over you, no matter what he says. Maybe I would consider couples counseling to have an objective and wise mediator to help him work through his FOG (fear, obligation, guilt).
If he refuses to transition him and refuses counseling, then you take yourself to a divorce attorney and have the paperwork drawn up, and show it to him and give him 1 final chance to grasp the reality of his decisions.
I'm so sorry for this distressing situation. He is not a problem-solver. He is paralyzed by decision-making and commitment. Enduring it for 9 years is above and beyond patient on your part but it's time to cash in your chips and move on.
Your marriage vows said nothing about having to live with this brother. I bet your marriage vows DID mention loving, cherishing, and honoring your spouse. Did your husband even hear that part? Because he is clearly not honoring or cherishing you! He has broken the vows.
I can't think of anyone I know who would put up with this sham of a marriage. It is not wrong to leave. What would be wrong would be to waste any more of your life in that household.
Have you talked to your husband about it and how you feel?
How does he respond if you have talked to him?
Has there been a discussion of placing him in a Group home or other facility that can meet his care needs? If so what has been your husbands response?
If you have discussed this with your husband and he is well aware of your thoughts and feelings about the situation but he 1) does not care or 2) for some reason thinks that this is his responsibility and is unwilling to make the changes. then I think that the next conversation you have with him should be AFTER you talk to an attorney. Make sure you are protected.
And side comment if you are doing ANY caregiving duties STOP.
I would encourage counseling.
Make your needs clear.
Your husband may still choose his brother, but then all things will be clear and you can move on with a better quality of life.
Have you told your husband you can’t live like this anymore ?
Ask to go to marriage counseling .
I hope your husband will be willing to place his brother in a facility .
You and your husband are long overdue for getting your lives back .
If he’s not willing , see a divorce lawyer . You are not wrong to want to leave this situation as it is.
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