Follow
Share

My husband had to become his 65 year old brother's caregiver because he fried his own brain on pcp in the 80's and now has the mentality of a 5 year old, we have now had him living with us for 9 of the worst years of my life, his brother doesn't wash his hands, he put his hands in his mouth any chance he gets, and I really don't want to say where else he puts his hands every day, he has ran off one of our cats, he has ruined every cooking pan we have, he lies he steals from us, he has even tried to burn down every house where we have lived, he talks and yells and makes hand gestures at the TV so we can't watch anything on tv, after 9 years of this living hell, I am ready to run as fast as I can not look back, I Love my husband, but I can't take anymore of his brother's daily BS.

Find Care & Housing
Has your husband considered institutional care for his brother and rejected it, or just never considered it? Not only would it be better for you, it would be better for your husband, AND it would be better for his brother to be in a SAFE, controlled environment with staff who are better trained to handle his issues.

Did their parents make him feel obligated to take care of his brother? That does not necessarily mean having him live with you, when a facility would be safer and better able to address his needs.

Can you start looking for facilities and present them to your husband?
Helpful Answer (8)
Reply to MG8522
Report

Your husband did not HAVE to become his brother's caregiver, he chose it, and in that decision, he chose to completely disrupt your home. Is your husband open to brother living elsewhere, like a managed care setting with trained staff who understand how to meet his needs? If so, work with him to make that happen. If your husband is adamant that brother stays in your home, I’m afraid you have your answer to leave. I’d never stay in such chaos without hope of change coming very quickly
Helpful Answer (7)
Reply to Daughterof1930
Report

Surely your husband can't be thrilled with this situation either right? So what does he say about it?
Have the 2 of you talked about other options for his brother, like a group home or the like?
If your husband is content with the way things are in your household, then you really don't have a choice but to divorce him, and he and his brother can live happily ever after together.
But honestly I can only imagine that your husband is just as disgusted as you are, so sit down with him tonight and let him know that if his brother doesn't get placed in a facility soon that you are leaving and filling for a divorce.
Helpful Answer (6)
Reply to funkygrandma59
Report

I agree with the others that the brother needs to be in a group home or insitutuion where he may get more beneficial social exposure or treatment and safe, appropriate care.

If you've been honest with your husband about how this is impacting your relationships, but he still refuses to transition him elsewhere, them he is choosing him over you, no matter what he says. Maybe I would consider couples counseling to have an objective and wise mediator to help him work through his FOG (fear, obligation, guilt).

If he refuses to transition him and refuses counseling, then you take yourself to a divorce attorney and have the paperwork drawn up, and show it to him and give him 1 final chance to grasp the reality of his decisions.

I'm so sorry for this distressing situation. He is not a problem-solver. He is paralyzed by decision-making and commitment. Enduring it for 9 years is above and beyond patient on your part but it's time to cash in your chips and move on.
Helpful Answer (6)
Reply to Geaton777
Report

I hope you've discussed this with your husband. If you have, and he's told you that his brother stays whether you like it or not, you leave.

Your marriage vows said nothing about having to live with this brother. I bet your marriage vows DID mention loving, cherishing, and honoring your spouse. Did your husband even hear that part? Because he is clearly not honoring or cherishing you! He has broken the vows.

I can't think of anyone I know who would put up with this sham of a marriage. It is not wrong to leave. What would be wrong would be to waste any more of your life in that household.
Helpful Answer (5)
Reply to Fawnby
Report

You have endured this for 9 years.
Have you talked to your husband about it and how you feel?
How does he respond if you have talked to him?
Has there been a discussion of placing him in a Group home or other facility that can meet his care needs? If so what has been your husbands response?
If you have discussed this with your husband and he is well aware of your thoughts and feelings about the situation but he 1) does not care or 2) for some reason thinks that this is his responsibility and is unwilling to make the changes. then I think that the next conversation you have with him should be AFTER you talk to an attorney. Make sure you are protected.
And side comment if you are doing ANY caregiving duties STOP.
Helpful Answer (5)
Reply to Grandma1954
Report

After 9 years, your brother’s presence in your home is an engrained pattern. Patterns can be changed, however. Your feelings are clear: it’s been the worst 9 years of your life. If your husband doesn’t understand what an enormous sacrifice this has been for you and act on that information by finding an alternative living-arrangement for his brother, I respectfully suggest a divorce attorney. I know that you love your husband, but this is an untenable situation for you. All best.
Helpful Answer (5)
Reply to Danielle123
Report

The brother should not be living with you. He needs to be institutionalized. He is dangerous and needs professional care.
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to olddude
Report

This isn't really an elder care concern but is more a marriage issue.
I would encourage counseling.
Make your needs clear.
Your husband may still choose his brother, but then all things will be clear and you can move on with a better quality of life.
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to AlvaDeer
Report

This is sad .
Have you told your husband you can’t live like this anymore ?
Ask to go to marriage counseling .
I hope your husband will be willing to place his brother in a facility .
You and your husband are long overdue for getting your lives back .

If he’s not willing , see a divorce lawyer . You are not wrong to want to leave this situation as it is.
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to waytomisery
Report

See All Answers
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter