She was recently diagnosed. Her testing showed her short-term memory was zero (70 was passing, she scored zero). She calls me multiple times all day and into the night, but doesn't remember talking to me. I recently had surgery, and checked the messages she left to make sure there wasn't something that needed attention. She has rummaged around in her office, pulling things from the filing cabinets, so that the place is a total mess. I have put most of her bills on auto-pay, but she still tries to pay them...albeit late. When is memory care appropriate?
What you describe sounds like what our mother went through. We started with taking the car away - that went over nasty! When I finally convinced my brothers that she needed help, she was in the repetitive conversations, either in person or more likely by phone. We got a pill dispenser, brought in nurse aides for an hour to start to check on her, plan to increase later, and put in cameras. The aides only lasted a few months before she refused them (and would NOT agree to move anywhere, either with brothers or AL). When she started digging into old papers, that did it for me - I had one brother take her somewhere for the day and cleaned out all papers and banking (checks, statements, ALL of it). Meanwhile, we were already on her bank account, so I changed the address to mine (so even when she tried to reorder checks for bills that slipped through, they came to me), temporarily forwarded her mail to me so that I could change all bills to come to me (NOTE: this will not work for government paperwork, such as SS - USPS won't forward them and the gov't services do NOT care about POA - still working on those issues!). Cameras showed she started the sun-downing thing - repetitive checking the door, lock, dishwasher, LR lights and repeat, for about 1-1.5 hours. We finally agreed she needed to go to a safe place. While we were working this out, she fell once and bruised her knee - we only found out about it because one brother stopped by for something. The second injury was just before we were moving her - cellulitis, which is dangerous for anyone, never mind a 93 yo! She didn't even have enough sense to call us or seek help. The neighbor reported it one day, other brother arrived next night to prep for move - this delayed the move and it took many weeks and a second round of antibiotics for that to heal! It also delayed her move-in by 2-3 days. In addition to not having enough sense to address this wound, she cannot even tell us how it happened!
So, again, if she is living alone, she either needs full-time supervision or to move to a safe location, either with a family member who can be there all the time (not working) or better yet memory care which is about the safest (be sure to check multiples out and look online for reviews!). There are all kinds and different arrangements (some require big bucks up front and those are NOT used to pay the monthly fees, some are for profit, so the care may not be the best). It took her at least a month, maybe a little more, to stop with the "I gotta get outta here" and calls to my brother to take her home... she seems to have adjusted...
Also, others have touched on it - moving multiple times can be very hard on someone with dementia. Taking care of someone with dementia is not easy and will only get more difficult. I knew I could not physically take care of her, and read enough in the year+ prior to the move to know that I would not even know HOW to handle her - they DO know (if it is a decent place). So think long and hard before taking her into your home, only to have to move her later.
Additionally, if you have not already gone the elder attorney route, start NOW! They can set up everything to protect any assets your mom has (home, savings, investments, etc), because if she does not have enough for a private memory care place, she would have to find a nursing home that provides memory care and apply for medicaid, which will drain most assets quickly. Elder attorney (or online lookup) can explain all that better!
If Mom wanders she will need a secure environment. If her behavior will be very disruptive to other residents, that is also a constraint. Otherwise you have options to consider.
Alternatives that were available
Costs vs her assets
Services offered by each facility I toured (8 in all) vs her needs
Location for family convenience
My Mom was sundowning and walking ALL over her independent living facility at all hours of the night. That was an eye opener! I brought in 24 hour care. (Previously I had companion services for 5 hours a day.)
Ultimately, she fell (with the aide nearby watching!) and needed hospitalization, surgery and rehab. After that I moved her to memory care.
In hindsight, I still feel that all of the moves were at the appropriate time and that I tried to preserve both her independence and assets. Memory care is expensive but it did give me the peace of mind that she wouldn't be wandering the streets and the place I chose had activities all day long. Even if she didn't appear to be participating, at least she was with others and hearing human interaction.
It is a wonderful place where the residents have great care and love from the staff. Please don't feel bad about placing Mom. She will thrive there.
My LO initially went into a regular AL, but, she soon progressed to the point where regular AL was not really equipped to handle her needs. Plus, she began to wander and needed Secure Memory Care.
Have you toured any facilities to see what is available in her area? I'd question what is out there and if they can meet her needs. Some things that I would look for is how much support the regular AL can provide as opposed to a Memory Care unit. Some people are okay to get a reminder to go to the dining room for dinner, but, others forget where they going on the way and have to have constant reminding and supervision. It's a lot to consider.