You know I always thought as I was growing up in the house that something was not quite right with momma but I didn't know what. I guess that is why I stayed in my room a lot. Dad traveled for work a lot so my siblings and I were there at home. I can look back at some incidents that momma did and now that I have been her caregiver for almost 11 years out of state with no help from siblings. She does not like to be told no. Wants to do whatever she wants to do at your expense. Shows no empathy for you - at least me. She lies. She gaslights me. Takes sides with her kids.. Says I am too sensitive. Reminds me constantly that she is my momma. Also that's life is one of her favorite sayings.. She talks about me behind my back and then when I see her in person she is totally different. She prefers her male children and grandchildren over her female children. Always has to have a golden child - my nephew first and then after he died from a drug overdose my brother replaced him. Always has to have a scapegoat child - me. Does not respect my boundaries because remember she is the momma so she thinks she can do whatever and can treat you whatever way she wants too. She fights me on how I handle her care - going to the Dr and such and complains about it to the Golden Child. She is 87. I think my dad knew how momma is and tried to tell me one time but I wish he would have explained better. I am worn out!
I used to try so hard to be liked by them. Taking everything they said and did to me as if I somehow deserved it or needed to put up with it to be "liked".
I think what's changed with me in the last few years is I don't have this need to be liked by them anymore. In fact I care more about how I feel about them now. Do I like them is the question now.
When you care about yourself and think of yourself as your best friend you won't let anyone treat you badly.
Long story short- my BFF stopped in to visit my hubby. When she was getting ready to leave, she and I were talking in the kitchen. After she left, caregiver said "Jane is a narcissist isn't she? " I had to stop and think, and she's correct. Jane is a narcissist.
My FIL is an abusive narcissist, who is truly miserable because of his own actions - and inactions in his own life. Many of which have led him to be over 300 pounds and immobile - that may sound terrible of me but 5 years ago he was independent and like any true narcissist he seized upon his daughter's moment of weakness (needing a roof over their heads during a hard time) and used it to his advantage. The one good thing that I have ever seen him do is offer them a place to live but looking back I can't even say for 100% certainty that it was altruistic. Because almost as soon as they moved in he just stopped doing anything at all for himself and when his doctor asked him why he said "Why would I do it for myself when they can do it for me?" His doctor told him he should always do things for himself or he would lose his ability to do it. He of course knew better and here we are 5 years later - he is nearly completely immobile and very bitter about it.
So what have we learned about ourselves during this journey? His son and daughter were physically, emotionally and verbally abused by him growing up and certainly still emotionally and verbally abused even today. HE is clearly not going to change. It is clear from talking to his own sister that his mother and sisters coddled HIM as a child and his belief system started early. So he is never going to change.
What can change is how we deal with him. He had years to "groom" DH and his sister, to get in their heads and ensure that they were compelled to respond in a way that he wanted. Now that is broken. His circle of influence has shrunk. The narcissistic supply is gone. We're all he has left. He has alienated EVERYONE else in his life basically. His grandchildren will not talk to him. The relationship with his own children is such that they are just 'doing their duty' literally until other arrangements can be made for his care.
I don't think that therapy can benefit a narcissist. They want to game the system. They would spend the entire time trying to FIX the therapist and show them they are wrong. Better money would be spent on therapy for a narc's victims. On healing you. There is no fixing a narc. But you can help yourself. And the other part of it is that a narcissist will tell other people all kinds of good things about themselves and all kinds of bad things about you - I don't understand the why there - for some reason they think the only way they look good is to make you look bad. That seems counterproductive to most people - but to a narcissist it is the only way they can shine - and that is critical. So we have had to get used to not caring what other people he talks to think about us. To quote Dr. Seuss, the people that matter don't mind, and the people that mind don't matter.
That’s you. Why are you killing yourself, sacrificing everything for someone who doesn’t love you? Don’t you think you deserve more? Deserve better? Because you do. You do. But only you can stop it. If you’re brave enough.
I hope you are.
Here is my 'advice' - She died and I never shed a tear, not even one. One year rolled by and the anniversary of her death arrived (this year). I was busy that day and truthfully several days went by until I realized I never, ever thought about her on that day. Not even once. So for all the people who will share how much they miss their moms and would take one more day, let me share that there are some of us who became relieved of a burden.
I was so surprised when I realized there was no guilt, no recriminations, nothing but freedom. There are no Hallmark cards for this and almost nobody talks about it, which is why I was so surprised about how I felt. So if you think you might feel that way, you will not ever be alone.
Just my experience.
I think there are more people who feel this way that we can know. They hesitate to tell their truth because they really don't need the judgement of the world after already having had to survive such a parent. I am glad you shared.
I would make clear that is just too far for me to do hands-on help. I would have phone conferences with any medical staff as required instead.
Either Mom is independant & can take herself in a taxi. Semi-independant & can ask/treat a friend or book/pay for an aid. Or if fully dependant, then maybe she needs a higher level of care.
Harsh? Maybe? But realistic.
My relative cannot catch a taxi independently & so I offered to drive for a while. Give an inch.... 1 Dr Apt/week blew out to multi visits to multi places every week - one week was +5!
Was time for a *big picture* view. Was this person still independent enough in their setting? No. Did they need more help? Yes.
I stepped back. Now personal care, housecleaning, shopping, driving is all arranged & it works. The bill is astimnomical (but that is not for me to pay).
Being a long-distance caregiver must be very hard. It may be you will need to engage some sort of local service - some 'boots on the ground' so to speak. Many care agencies will do appointments. You will be out of the loop for info at the appointment but can get that info by phone instead.
Would that work?
Coz, basically, while YOU remain the solution for everything - no other solutions will be found.
You've put up with at least 11 consistent years of abuse, I think you've done your time and time to step back. Will another 11 years mean your mother will get better, mend her ways, become a great person, and love you? Of course you know the answers to those questions, as well as what you really need to do for yourself.
There are several Narcissists in my family, they do not, will not ever change. I have chosen to limit my interactions with them. I have done lots of therapy, and am overall quite happy not to be involved with them-too toxic.
You must be willing to be a martyr.
IF you are going to continue to do what you are doing now, you should at least start charging your mother for your time and gas money (plus any other out-of-pocket expenses). Make sure it's a legal contract (run it by an attorney).
What happens when your mother needs a higher level of care? (I think she already does.) What is her financial situation?
Here's a pretty good article on the subject:
https://lifelessons.co/personal-development/covertpassiveaggressivenarcissist/#3
It's 25 signs that you may be dealing with a passive/aggressive covert narcissist. It hones in on male/female relationships more so than mother/daughter relationships, but you'll get a good idea if your mom falls somewhere on the spectrum. Debbie Mirza also has some good tips about coping mechanisms to deal with people like this and has some good podcasts and books out, too.
Only YOU can decide what you're dealing with here; nobody can tell you what your mom is or isn't, although many will try.
Good luck to you!
Having a label for Mom won't really help you. What WILL help you is helping yourself, and that may take professional help given how you grew up, and what habits have been formed. It is often more comfortable to stay in a situation, no matter how awful it is, when it represents the "norm". Breaking away into our own lives is hard work, and we often need help with it.
I wish you the very best. It is time to claim a life for yourself, and allow your Mom is stay in her own habitual ways. It is likely way too late for her to change, but for you, it is the beginning of learning how to have a wonderful quality of life, and to learn not to pass this tormented history forward.
In the new year begin to make plans for your own life. Take it slow. You have time. One step leads forward to another. I wish you the best.
We have to want to feel better / different / whole / healed/
I had to learn to be my own mother - the mother I didn't have.
I appreciate your response. Gena