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A bit of backstory: my husband and I moved in with my MIL to help care for her and the house. It can be tense at times, but generally it is ok.



Recently, my car has take a turn for the worst. I am a teacher, and my husband works pt and cares for MIL the rest of the time (driving her to appts, hair salons, etc.). As I’m sure you’re all aware, cars are EXPENSIVE right now and we don’t really have it in the budget to get a new one. Husband has a truck that he uses for work as well. MIL does not drive anymore. We take her everywhere she needs using her vehicle. She is still paying insurance and paying on the car itself. Here’s the question:



Would it be unreasonable for my husband and I to request that I use the car for work, at least until the cost starts going down? We would take over payments and insurance of course. And, my husband and I would coordinate vehicles to the best of our abilities so that whenever MIL has an appointment, she will be taken in her car. We haven’t popped the question to MIL yet, but it makes sense in our mind that this is the best option for everyone.

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Do you and your husband take care of MIL's needs and her property for free?

The two of you relocated and uprooted your lives to help her. It would be more than reasonable if your MIL bought you a car.
She's certainly saving money by not having to hire caregivers for herself. Have her buy you a new car.
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I think that this is more about the costs and rising price of cars. It’s about the financial arrangements for the whole situation. MIL doesn’t drive, but does she need care – including cooking, cleaning, and being taken for outings? Are you expecting to inherit the house at the end of this – often a carrot that doesn’t come true in practice? You haven’t mentioned who is paying outgoings and utilities for the house – is it shared? Your income has dropped with DH’s shorter hours, but have your expenses dropped too?

Three cars for three people, one of whom can’t drive, is clearly ridiculous. The fact that you are asking whether shared utilisation is ‘reasonable’, suggests to me that you haven’t really dealt with the rights and responsibilities of the whole arrangement. Start from the basics, not the car.
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BurntCaregiver Jul 2022
Normally I tend to agree with you, Margaret but not this time.
They should be paying nothing towards the household expenses. They are basically domestic servants. In addition to free room and board, servants also get wages.
It would not be 'three people, three cars'. It would be 'two drivers, two cars'.
Inheriting property is often the reason why someone takes on caregiving. It's certainly the reason why I did. No shame in that game.
Many times people don't inherit like you said. If the caregiving needs become too much and the elder needs pplacement.
For just this reason, the MIL should buy her DIL a car now. Someone has to do for her so they need a car to drive.
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If MIL can no longer drive and does not expect to drive again at all, can you buy the car from her? You suggest taking over payments and insurance, anyway so why not actually buy the car?
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I think its reasonable. She no longer drives. You use it to cart her around already, so driving it to work shouldn't be that bad. Are you already on her insurance as drivers? I can't see any problem. Just, keep it in her name. Medicaid does have a 5 yr look back and a car is an asset. Really, if ur willing to take over the insurance payments she gains.

I agree about the cost of cars. I bought one for just a little over 20k 9 years ago a comparable SUV now is over 30k. So I guess my DH will be holding onto his 2010 and me my 2013 for a while longer.

Why does MIL not qualify for Medicaid.
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BurntCaregiver Jul 2022
The MIL is already gaining because they moved in to take care of her.
The car insurance should be paid for by the MIL because her son and DIL take her around.
Caregiving should never cost the caregivers money. The caregivers should always benefit financially from doing it no matter how much they love the person, or how close a family relation they are.
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Sounds perfectly reasonable to me. A car just sitting and not being used will eventually become undrivable. No reason MIL has not offered this solution have you asked her?

Your husband is only working part time to be moms errand boy. He should be getting paid for this as it is obvious this arrangement is straining your family financially.

It will be intersting to see what mom says when this is proposed to her regarding using her car.
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Work out a written agreement, something you all three are good with, everyone sign it, and drive away…
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Lake, who told you that MIL doesn't qualify for Medicaid?

Unless it was a well-qualified eldercare attorney or experienced Medicaid planner, I would re-think DH giving up his own livelihood to care for his mother.
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You can't be serious...
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@Lake88, I recommend:

1. If your husband's and your name aren't already on the auto insurance policy of your MIL, add both names

2. do NOT take over the car payment. Your MIL already has one of the sweetest deals on earth by having unpaid 24-hour live-in staff (you and your husband). You have made the shocking point already that your hubby stopped full-time work in favor of part-time in order to take care of your MIL. He has lost out on alot of pay, and is receiving nothing but more thankless grunt work. As MIL ages it is going to get progressively worse and more monumental, no matter how much you two love her. MIL paying for her own car payment is the least she can do, as minuscule thanks for you two upending your lives for her

3. offer to contribute partially to the insurance cost of the car, BUT do not take over full insurance payments on it since your MIL has what is effectively a chauffeur. Elite people with real chauffeurs don't demand that their chauffeur cover the cost of car insurance.

4. Do not buy her car from her, why would you two keep taking on more and more time-heavy and money-heavy responsibilities for your MIL? There is something very wrong with this picture all the way around, and although I imagine you and husband are trying to do all of this out of love for the old gal, if nothing changes the situation cannot get better, it will get progressively worse as her needs increase, and your lives will be irreparably damaged.

Please grow a spine before it is too late. I am not being harsh, I am being realistic.

You may not believe me now, but years from now when your husband is retired and his Social Security is just a disappointing fraction of what he had originally expected, because his income in his prime earning years suddenly fell by half due to now only being a part time worker in order to be his mother's unpaid lackey, it will be too late to do anything about the sad state of affairs. Make changes NOW.
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Use the car. Family is supposed to help family.
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