To have your elder parent for whom you are live-in caregiver say to you “Your coat is wrinkled” and to reply by saying MYOB (mind your own business) in a joking way, which elicits the reply “That’s what you say to me I just want you to look good.” And you reply “no, I don’t criticize your clothes I just tell you when you have crumbs or food all over the front of your shirt so people don’t think we don’t take care of you.”
Am I nuts or is this response detrimental to self image of the older person?
Joking but in a 'shut up' kind of way?
We can't really tell from the single incident if there is borderline abuse going on or not. We would have to see a whole series of snapshots to see if the child is doing a good-enough job.
This person (his son?) is not a sensitive individual, apparently. The nuances you (and blannie and emjo and I) see in these communications are probably not deliberate and may not even be noticed by the cg. He is doing the best he can (at his present level of awareness) and may not even know what you are talking about. But you are right. Would the caregiver be open to some training? Some videos? Books? youtube clips?
Saying that coat is ugly or the person's hairdo is ugly is more verbally abusive because they're opinions and more subjective and potentially hurtful.
I'm a bit unclear about which response is detrimental to the self image of the older person. Saying shut up? I never say that to anyone, old or young, because to me it's disrespectful.