My mother is 83 and is being prevented from seeing my children and I. We live in TN and my mom is in Missouri. My younger sister moved my mom in with her when she moving my mom “out of her apt” without her knowledge and has now taken her house & cell phone away from her so she can reach NO ONE!! My sister currently has emergency/temporary guardianship over my mom because she apparently had her diagnosed w/ “dementia”. Though I do think my mom has slowed a lot in her thinking, I do not think she is 100% incapacitated as my sister is saying. Because I believe my mom should be able to live out her golden years where she wishes & where she would be happiest, here in TN around my children and I, my sister has completely cut us off. She has filed for guardianship/ conservatorship. There were a few hearings that my mom has been prevented from attending. My sister lied to her & filled her with fear that “The State” will take my mom away if she doesn’t do what my sister says. I called the police Dept & asked them to do a well check when I hadn’t talked to my mom in 10 days. I rented a car, drove out to Missouri, stayed in a hotel because there was going to be a court hearing but it had been changed so that’s when I went to the police. My rights are being violated and I’ve done nothing wrong. The officer wrote a narrative from his own perspective after speaking to my mom and he completely wrote what I hv been saying...He did not think she was incapacitated and he said she told him “she wants to see me and that she has been trying to get ahold of me” but my sister has prevented her. About a month later I drove out & spoke to the Chief of police in the town & he went to do a well check. He too stated that he believed something was not right. When he told me that he was going to contact DHSS I decided to go & make a claim as well and see if there was anyone who could help me get in contact w/ to be able to see or speak to my mom. I managed to call my moms cell phone from my hotel (local number), she answered and I was able to talk to her for less than 5mins. I told her I was fighting for her & trying to get a lawyer. She said she knew what my sister was going to her and that she was feeling very stress and was extremely upset about living in that toxic environment. All of a sudden, while we were talking, my mom said “they’re telling me I can’t talk to you”. “they’re making me hang up the phone” “I love you” and then I heard them rip the phone from her hands. In my opinion this is cruel and unusual punishment to do to anyone. My mother deserves better than that. She is never hugged on or loved on in that house. She wants to be with us. At the last hearing (In November 2019) I thought it was a pretrial hearing that my mom would be able to attend but my sister KNOWS my mom would say she wants to be with us And of course she was not here. Her voice is being silencing. My sisters attorney told the judge I am a detriment to my moms health. That’s an absolute Lie!! My sister is strictly acting out of hate and jealousy. It is my legal right to compete for guardianship and that’s what I was trying to do. She in turn decided to file a restraining order against me just on 12/30/19. The order states that I have been stalking/harassing her - all a lie!! I live 665 miles away. She stated that I have sent texts and called and posted on FB, harassing her. More lies. I ended up getting an attorney. She knows I’m a single mother and cannot really afford an attorney right now. But I WANT TO SEE MY MOTHER!!! What’s being done to her is so wrong. I should not have to fight in court for my RIGHT to see my own mother - especially since she wants and needs to see me too. My children are devastated. Who does this to their family members? Is there an advocacy group that can help me? I have even gone to the prosecuting atty in the town to see if charges could be filed for ELDER ABUSE/ ISOLATION. I know it’s against the law. I just don’t know who to turn to.
It is not unusual to take away telephones from a person who has Alzheimer's/Dementia because they can become obsessed with dialing 911 and even trying to call relatives who has since passed, thus becoming more confused when a stranger answers. And answering the house phone for others or talking to a telemarketing/scam giving out personal information.
And please note, with dementia is not uncommon for the patient to make up stories. Your Mom could very easily act the same way if she moved in with you, telling your sister the same thing she is telling you about her living conditions.
My Dad had very mild dementia except for in the evening/nights when sundowning would hit. He would climb into his time machine and be back in the 1940's. Once that happened he was moved to Memory Care, which helped keep him safe as he was starting to wander, wanting to go outside so he could go home..... home to a person with dementia is their childhood home.
You mentioned that your sister had your Mom diagnosed with dementia. No doctor would diagnose that unless it was founded that your Mom did, in fact, have dementia.
Hopefully you and your sister can work as a team for your Mom's best interest. As of right now, Mom is caught in the middle :(
My son said, " its like I don't know who these people are anymore"
My mom does have a big inheritance, My sister has a certain mindset about money, and my sister thinks my mom has a "poor quality of life". She struggled paying $11,000.00 a month on my moms care. She put my mom on hospice prematurely,
and now hospice does "manage care" whatever that means. My sister tried to prevented my mom from getting a UA, to rule out UTI,(from new confusion) a month later she got antibiotic and she became less confused. There was constant struggle. To me, "standard of care," for a hospice "manage care" patient should be the same regardless of POA. At the end of the day, I believe it was the "hospice " mindset that failed by mom, and sister. Hospice is suppose to be for patients with 6 months or less to live, but hospice is changing. Many hospice nurses are acting like nurse practitioners without the training, experience, and accountability due the responsibility given to them ordering strong narcotics and benzodiazepines to the elderly under there care. All in the name of compassion and quality of life. I asked the Doctor why he kept my mom on hospice after 15 months when she was doing great, and he said " he thinks it improves their quality of life." That s not the standard to put patients on hospice, (it could be true or not true)
wow .... I took a big turn left......
I guess, I want you to know that your truth is your truth. And people we love so dearly act like people we don't know, and sometimes we are powerless, and it hurts, and its not suppose to be like this. Praying for wisdom and comfort today.
3 years ago, I called a 'family meeting' to discuss as siblings what the future course for mother's care should be. I had contacted an agency for outside help, as mother was by then, reliant on a walker and needed better care. Not a slap in YB's face, but an AID to him. He went ballistic, within minutes of the start of this meeting, screaming and swearing and telling me that if I stepped foot on his property he'd call the cops. Total meltdown and for no real reason. The other 3 sibs just sat there in silence while he raged at ME.
In the end, nothing changed. I told him I would cancel the interview with the care company and he could continue being the 'slave' he had chosen to be.
I did have to call mother and tell her I was no longer allowed on brother's property and I was sorry, but I could no longer have contact with her. The other 3 sibs are very much MIA, so it didn't affect them.
So, I stopped going up twice a week to clean and help out. Her apt got dirtier and dirtier and that's the way it's been.
Slowly YB relented and I am now 'allowed' short visits with her. NOT allowed to do ANYTHING even as simply taking out her bathroom trash, which stinks up the whole house. I can sit in the common LR and visit. That's it.
I'd NEVER go legal on him--it's not worth it. Mother is not acclimated to time and day and such, so going 6-8 months with no contact doesn't mean anything to her.
I'm sorry for your situation. Sadly, aging parents and their care can wear us all down to the point we just can't....take it anymore. I imagine that once mother passes, our family will fracture into a million pieces and we will not speak to each other at all.
If you make a stink, the judge may assign someone in the court system to be temporary guardian until things are investigated.
I cannot know what your lifelong relationship has been with your sister. But I will tell you this. Your fight, no matter what you bring into the fray, courts, lawyers, police, will almost CERTAINLY end in this manner. The courts will not be able to comb out who is right and who is wrong; they will instead appoint the State as guardian of your Mom. This will mean that both YOU and your SISTER will had absolutely NOTHING to say about where your Mom is placed (but it will not be with you, nor even convenient to you) nor to her health care, nor to her finances. You will be out of it. You will be able to visit as long as you can maintain a modicum of grace and good humor, but that will be it. Now, for some this is honestly a relief.
Think very very carefully about this. For myself, I would be writing the sister and the Mom. I would be offering whatever help I was able to offer. I would be doing all I could do to ingratiate myself enough that I could visit, bring gifts to them both, and work out a plan for your Mom's life going forward. Your Mom apparently DOES have dementia. Your sister IS her guardian. You will need now to decide how best to make Mom's life better. I cannot IMAGINE being in your Mom's state and having two daughters at war over my still warm body.
I know this sounds tough. I could be completely wrong. Your sister may be evil. But I will tell you this off the bat. Generally evil folks don't take on the care of Mom's with dementia unless there is a huge amount of money in the struggle.
Good luck. I hope you will try hard as you can going forward to make peace. This is a war that will be without any good end.