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David & I started dating 2009 he would get gout a lot. He was always verbally abusive. Last few years it's on the daily wakes up raging at me goes to bed raging at me. He broke his ankle in 2012 which led to 2 knee replacements a hip replacement. He has had 2 heart attacks a stroke stage 3 cancer on his kidney, this is just a few medical events I have had to care for him thru. I have wiped this man's butt, I cook the meals, buy the groceries, pick up medicine.  I'm a taxi driver, I'm a nurse, a physical therapist, nutritionist, maid, butler whatever, I'm it. I couldn't do this job 15 years ago. I have nothing in the tank now. I am a very empathetic person I am a stoic person,fighting never leads to anything good. I have been his legal primary care giver since we meet. He never asks to get me help when I've been begging for help. I have health issues from birth he won't help me take care of. He caused all his own grief drinking doing drugs chasing women and selling cars. Yet HE gets to verbally assault me every moment of the day. Divorce is not an option. He believes he's allowed to throw me out at anytime, that he can kick me to the curb whenever it fit his fancy. His father died of Alzheimer's, half the time David don't even remember I'm right next to him. He can't stuff remember from one day to the next. He lives in nostalgic,most every conversation (if & when he's in the right mood to speak civil to me, always chit-chat, deep conversations overwhelm him.) As long as I chit chat during these moments of what seems to be lucidness, he'll stay calm but if I try to tell one of my own past experiences,he screams ate that he's heard it all from me he don't want to hear another word &or get the fuck out you nasty whore (I am a very clean person and I am not a al whore) it's always been horrible, last few years is a freaking nightmare. Can anyone help me?

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And you married him, why?

Walking away is your only choice. Your not a wife, your his slave. See a lawyer just to see what you would be intitled to.

Have you continued to work? You are being abused. See if there is somekind of women's shelter you can go to and get help getting a place to live and a job.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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Yes, a divorce lawyer can help you.

Alternatively, you can place him in a memory care facility and not visit him. In that case you should still see a lawyer about the financial arrangements.

You deserve so much better than this from your life!
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Reply to MG8522
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You're wrong. Divorce is an option.
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Reply to olddude
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What is a legal primary caregiver? Did he tell you that’s your job? In addition to being his wife? Or is that separate?

Get out of there! The first consultation with a lawyer is often free. Find one. A lawyer will have the advice you need. Good luck.
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Reply to Fawnby
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I have been his legal primary care giver since we meet. "

And so what? Again, no one is forcing you into this role.

By legal primary do you mean his legal guardian? Or his PoA? Either one of those means you can put him in a facility. Or, resign legally and allow the county to become his legal primary caregiver.

If you are neither his legal guardian nor his PoA -- even if you are his wife -- you are NOT legally obligated to care for him, monster or not.

Please please go to a women's shelter where they might have access to counseling and legal advisors. You have been told a bunch of malarchy to keep you enslaved. You need to now question everything people like him are telling you and verify it with professionals.
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Reply to Geaton777
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My mother turned 100 in Feb. He could live a long, long time, he is young by today's standards.

Why isn't Divorce an option? You want to waste your life on someone like him?

Honestly, does not compute to me.

You will have to start helping yourself, the ball is in your court, only you can resolve this, he will continue to get worse.
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Reply to MeDolly
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" I have been his legal primary care giver since we meet."

Who on Earth told you that little gem? Him? Unless you entered into a care contract with him and were/are being paid, there is no such animal.

You need to find yourself a divorce lawyer so you can find out exactly what you are entitled to, so you can at least be holding a few face cards, as it were, in this "relationship".

What would happen to this person if you were indeed to pack up and leave? Is he capable of any sort of self-care? Because if the answer is no, you might need to forcibly remind him of this fact...but only AFTER you see an attorney.

Seeing a divorce attorney doesn't mean you are required to go through with a divorce. It will, however, help clarify what your rights are, since you seem to not understand exactly what you're entitled to, as you have said he has threatened to "throw you out" - which he has no legal standing to do, by the way. He doesn't have the power to evict you from your legal residence.
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Reply to notgoodenough
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"Divorce is not option."

Why not?

No one is forcing you to stay in this relationship. Find a divorce lawyer and get your 50% of assets from him. The couny can take over his care and transition him into a facility.

What kind of help do you want? Financial? Other than that, I have no idea how to help someone who chooses to stay with an ogre because they are a "very empathetic person".

You have empathy for everyone but yourself, apparently. Take pity on yourself and divorce him.

I'm really interested in knowing why "Divorce isn't an option." Is it the cost? Do you fear for your life? Fear of the unknown? Of being by yourself?

No one can rescue you from yourself. You are your own solution.

Go to a woman's shelter, then a divorce lawyer, then a therapist so that you can get your life started.
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Reply to Geaton777
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Life is short . 66 is not Old . I would Look Into a woman's shelter . Sometimes you Just have to leave . There are domestic Violence Services and support groups .
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Reply to KNance72
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Women get systematically worn down in abusive relationships. Take whatever energy you have left and use that to rebuild your own life. It’s a horrible situation for you to continue to endure, and you do deserve better. I would suggest that you contact a local women’s shelter. All best.
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Reply to Danielle123
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Divorce is the best and only option. In your shoes I would be gone today. No one deserves to be abused
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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You need to leave ASAP (as soon as possible) and yes you need to file for a divorce!
Divorce is ALWAYS an option, I guess except for those folks that like being abused every day.
Why you would ever marry a man that was abusive to you from the get go is beyond me, but that is neither here nor there as the damage has already been done.
You deserve SO much better, but until you believe that you will continue to put up with this mans sh**.
Like already mentioned leave and go to a battered woman's shelter and they will help you get your feet back on the ground without your a$$hole of a husband.
You can do this. Please believe that.
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Reply to funkygrandma59
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It's kind of sad that everyone we don't like these days gets the label "Narcissist" slapped onto their collective foreheads; because in reality fewer than 5% of the population has Narcissism. They must all land on Aging Care Forum.

When you refuse to help yourself, just what exactly would you think a Forum of strangers from all around the world could offer in terms of any help?

Why did you marry this man? You admit he has always been exactly what he is now--abusive.
And why have you STAYED with this man?
Is it a financial decision?
If so, you are being bought, I guess, and will have to put up with it for the payment.

It's clear this isn't about love.
At 66 he's got another good two decades in him.
It's up to you, whether you choose to stay with him or not.
There's nothing a Forum of strangers can do about that. It's your own life decision for your own life.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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If he truly has a memory problem, you should try to get an official medical diagnosis for him. If he is incompetent to make his own decisions due to medical diagnosis, you can file to be his healthcare proxy and/or power of attorney. Then you make the decisions for him, including possible placement in a memory care unit.

If you need help or are in fear, contact the senior services agency in your town or call the police!
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Reply to Happyplace
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Find a local Women's Shelter and talk to them.
They will help you find a good lawyer.

Otherwise you can be a martyr and victim.
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Reply to Dawn88
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Yep. Since divorce/separation is not an option for you, I guess this means you are ok being abused. Otherwise, one option would be going to a woman’s shelter.
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Reply to Ariadnee
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Why on earth did you marry a man who's been abusive to you since day one? And now you're saying divorce is not an option??? Why not?? How can anyone help you when you won't leave the man??
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Reply to lealonnie1
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