I am caring for my 90 some year old father in my home for the past 9 months. He has quietly changed the mood and peace in our home.
He is an intelligent and successful person who has always been financially stable. He is warm and engaging with strangers. In reality he is a lonely, manipulative, individual with lack of empathy towards others.
I have just told him that it would be best if he were to move into an assisted/indedpendent living situation and that did not go over too well.
Well, my Mom wanted no part of that. Two weeks after she had passed, Dad called me, he wanted packing boxes as he was ready to move to senior living. Once there, he loved it. He said he wished he could have convinced Mom to move there years ago.
Dad did enjoy being around people his own age... so much more in common to talk about. And all those new ears to hear his stories !!!! So start planting those seeds.
A therapist helped me when she suggested I write my own eulogy... Here lies _______ spent many years caring for unappreciative family member and died from stress related complications...
vs.
Here lies Parent who lived a full life of (insert number here) years before becoming ill and living off the sacrifices of their doting child while NEVER saying thank you
Grim picture, huh?
Yes, our parents (hopefully) provided and cared for us the best way they could, but that in no way translates into give your life away or challenge your marriage for their sake when they get older and ill.
Besides, the facilities are often better equipped to handle their needs and transitioning to a facility is a safer alternative.
LIVE YOUR LIFE!!! YOU DESERVE IT!!! Dad has lived his and you are making a compassionate choice by placing him in a facility.
He may kick and scream at first (my Dad sure did), but it WILL get easier!!
Sorry to hear about what is happening. I know we all want to do right by our parents. Its a tough situation. I can't even imagine getting into my 90s at this point.
I have to agree with the others. Its better to recognize things are not working out now then to wait for more anger and resentment to build up. Start looking for places now and take your dad with you. He might even thrive in this new environment. He will have more people to interact with.
Its always a tough decision. I know I struggled with this decision. And there were arguments in my family. My dad never wanted to go into a nursing home. In the end he passed away in hospital before that happened. It still breaks my heart because my dad was not the same person after the stroke. I tried to do everything I can but it got to be too much.
Still - get your script together and stick to it even if it means repeating the same thing over and over. You must do what you know to be best for everyone involved - including you.
How do you stay resilient? You just do. You keep in mind your own home, the people who live there with you and YOU - matter.
Since you grew up with a manipulative father with no real empathy, it may be very difficult to stand up to him. No doubt your parents installed lots of guilt buttons and Dad knows how to press every one of them! You may need some support to get through this. Consider a short period of counseling if you need it. But get this man out of your home.