My sister and I have always been very close and do lots of things together and talk everyday. Since we have become full time caregivers of our parents along with our full time jobs and families our relationship seems to be changing. We are both tired and stretched thin taking care of dad who is mostly blind, cannot hear, and has mobile difficulties at 91. Mom is much younger at 78 but her issues are cognitive and she recently broke her hip. The doctor appointments seem endless and trying to schedule around work is hard. Seems we disagree much more often and are only doing something together if we happen to both be at our parents cleaning or caring for them. How have others salvaged their sibling relationships?
I have learned that my best friends are not the siblings that I once adored. Now that I examine my past, I realize that the feelings weren’t mutual.
i hope you and your sister do better than the people in my family, but if you drift apart, take comfort in knowing that many of us have shared this pain.
This is what is often referred to as care-giver burn out.
"We are both tired and stretched thin taking care of dad who is mostly blind, cannot hear, and has mobile difficulties at 91. Mom is much younger at 78 but her issues are cognitive and she recently broke her hip. The doctor appointments seem endless and trying to schedule around work is hard."
These statements back that assessment up. No one person or even 2 can cover the kind of care your parents need even if you could rule out care for your own family and/or work. The care and tasks needed are only going to increase, so you need to have a plan or plans in place.
It isn't clear if there are funds that can be used, but if there are, bringing in help to offset the time you both have to contribute will help. We are not super human - sure, initially it seems to work, but over time, day after day, week after week, you're both being drained. Eventually things may snap and one or both of you may throw up your hands and quit! Respite care, which gives you time off as well, for a needed break, can help, but would require relocating them - may be difficult with mom's broken hip at this time, so bringing in help might be the better solution for now. But, you both need to consider at some point that your parents will need to move to a facility - given their conditions are different, it may require different placements.
If there aren't funds, hopefully you have POAs, and other legal documents done already (if not, sooner rather than later!) You should explore Medicaid if they are low income. EC atty could advise. Some states allow Medicaid funding for in-home care. Anything to give you both some time off - you NEED time for yourselves too!
"Seems we disagree much more often and are only doing something together if we happen to both be at our parents cleaning or caring for them."
So, are you disagreeing about care, appts, how to provide care, or just disagreeing in general? If it's the latter, it's yet another sign that you are headed for burnout! See the above regarding respite care, bringing in help, placements. If you are disagreeing about what care each is providing, take some time AWAY from your parents to work on a schedule. Don't be critical if you don't agree with how one of you does this and the other does that. We all have our own habits and ways of doing things. So long as your goals are to help your parents and each other, let those things go. If you disagree about appts, try to prioritize them and see if any can be delayed/eliminated. At some point, dr visits become less than useful, at least for your parents and you (useful to them to keep $ coming in.) When the virus came, mom's dr office cancelled her reg checkup appt and wanted to do TeleHealth. I said 1) she isn't living with me so I can't help you there, 2) even if they set this up in facility, I'm not allowed to be there and 3) if you can't do BP, ht, wt, listen to heart and lungs, just exactly WHAT are you going to accomplish with this appt? Mom was 96 at the time, on BP meds, has no real hearing left, has eye issues, wheelchair bound and dementia. Yeah, TeleHealth, that'll work!
There also comes a time when the interventions become worse than whatever they have going on. Last week, mom, now 97, had a stroke. They brought in EMS and wanted to take her to hospital for testing. I told them if YOU can convince her to go and then can get this testing done (I expected not), then as POA sure, go ahead, take her, but don't hospitalize her. She refused to go. I really don't see the point now and she'd be difficult, at best, to work with to get testing done.
Anyway, if I'm reading your post wrong, I apologize. It does seem that you two are just becoming worn out and stressed in trying to do too much. It would be a shame to ruin such a good relationship. Get some help!
Each of us receives 24 hours per earth cycle.
Eight of those 24 hours are devoted to sleeping, give a little – take a little. Each of us decides how to allocate the remaining 16 wake hours per earth cycle.
Allocate some time for full time caregiver of parents, some time with full time jobs, some time with families and some time for self.
The lord will not give any of us more hours no matter how much more we want to do. The lord may take away hours but does not give us more hours. Treats all of us equal.
Unless we find a balance, the lord may take away the hours we have.
Point out the obvious, but offer no advice, suggestions, nothing. Thanks.
When OB was last here for a short while to help a bit with getting mom's condo cleaned out (took almost TWO years of my life to get it all done and sold - the two bros didn't do a whole lot), his only visit with mom was very short and he REFUSED to go back again because he "didn't know what to do with her." I can understand that, since he took no interest in the information I would pass on to enlighten him, and was clueless, BUT, both bros, when we were checking out a couple of MC places got sticker shock and their first thoughts, verbalized, were "Gee, for that kind of money, I'll take her in!" Sure they will...
I've written off OB and have had no contact in over 2.5 years. Mom just recently had a stroke, so I felt it was only right to inform him. 15 hours later, reply was simple "Thanks for update." That was it.
The other is virtually on the cusp of becoming non-bro. Different reasons, but I kept him in the loop because I couldn't support her weight when she refused to stand/walk, so he had to take her to Mac Deg appts. Four times/year and it was like torture to him (never mind that I had been doing it for YEARS prior to that!) Now, he won't have even this to do. I canceled the next one (10/8) and don't consider future treatments for that now. I gave up asking if he was going to join us for holiday and special meals. I really didn't care if he went, but tried to keep him included. All I needed was a yes or no, as the facility wanted head count. I have enough to do to manage her care, provide her necessities and medications and visit her (before lock downs), so I just stopped asking. HE is a grown man. HE knows when there are holidays and special days. HE can ask if he's interested, but he hasn't, so that's that. Edit: forgot to add that in trying to explain how this appt was necessary, but becoming too much with all else I have to do, his response was that the facility "takes care of everything." No, it doesn't, but you can't tell him that!
Once she passes, I will consider myself an only child.
(hope you can have a positive influence in your oldest nephew's life and his attempts to forge a better future!)
My 5 sibs, well, 4 now that OB has died, do not agree on how to care for mother. She lives with one brother, who treats her like a prisoner. She goes almost nowhere. To the store, one day a week. Stays in the car, with a mask on and that's it. No Sr Center (he has stated she will never go back b/c he doesn't think COVID will ever be 'managed' to the point that she is safe.) She isn't allowed to go out for a drive with any of us, due to YB taking the reins and being so forceful, she is afraid to cross him.
The other 4 of us totally disagree with this--but mother us afraid of YB and simply does what he says. We're all sick of fighting with him. He is keeping her 'hostage' partly out of his own problems of her being a nice-so-great mother--and now he's 'paying her back'.
I have tried a couple of times to meet as a family and discuss this--how to give her a better QOL--with 5 of us, it's very doable. But YB gets so angry, takes it out on mother and she gets so sad.
Basically, we've given up trying to help. I haven't even spoken to her in 4 months and don't see it happening in the near future. Anything I say gets duly reported to YB and I am hot water. Not worth it.
My husband has 2 very busy businesses. We stay w/ MIL for 24 hours 1 weekend a month, so Outside care giver can have a day off. We rotate these weekends with the 2 SIL’s. Occasionally I’m able to stay w/ her and relieve the sister in laws & full time care giver for a few hours if there are errands to run or doctors visits.
My husband runs over on occasion from his office to help out with “mediating” MIL’s dementia- paranoia with the caregiver.
My point is: we ARE helping, but our efforts are never enough for these 2 surely SIL’s. It’s exhausting to be seen as the enemy and to be the brunt of unkind comparisons as to who is the “better” adult child. Who needs this kind of drama?
I’m in agreement that situations like this can bring out the best or the worst in siblings. The key is setting up healthy boundaries. Happy that my husband put them in place.
Sounds like you and hubby are in this together, so good, stand your ground!
If this is response to someone else, IDENTIFY them!
You're going to need to be able to communicate with your sister regarding such disagreements, and there is undoubtedly a world of wisdom here about how to resolve those disagreements, if only they were actually revealed.
Please specify what your disagreements are about so that you will be able to receive answers that apply to your situation.
You might hire someone to sit with your parents for a couple hrs once a week while you and sis go to lunch together.
If a'll or your parents can't afford to do that, you might ask other family and friends if once a week they could donate a few hrs or even Church Members.
As long as you and sus both share in the Care, ya'll will be able to work things out.
It's a big load when you work and have a family of your own.
I had to care for my mom by myself. It made me an emotional cripple. I'm still recovering from this.
You have no idea what "caregiving" means until you have to clean up your own parent diapers, and keeping them clean. I also had to get my bathtub removed replaced with a standing shower. When mom was alive I made sure she would have a bowel movement because on the 3rd day without it she would get impacted...the stool gets so large and hard she cannot pass it. So I marked her bowel movements on the calendar, and if it is on the 3rd day I would have to give her a glycerine suppository. If wearing a diaper, their private parts must also be kept clean to prevent urinary tract infection (UTI). Stool causing UTI can kill them. Elderly women are very prone to UTIs. Since she could not clean herself I had to do it and believe me it was extremely difficult for me to get used to this. But you do what you must, and I do not trust nursing homes.
You also must pay special attention to the SKIN. Paper thin skin means easy skin breakdown which means they MUST be kept clean and not sit on their urine or feces...a tiny abrasion can become a skin ulcer and must be aggressively treated because left alone it can kill the skin and tunnel down to the bone.
I took care of mum to the end and mom's skin was in perfect condition but it was very hard and stressful to keep mom going. When mum died I had to recreate my life from scratch due to decades of caring for her, and it nearly destroyed me. However, I'm working now and working on my Master's degree and managing well. But still missing mom. Not a day goes by I don't cry and cry for her. But I also came to terms with mum's death. At least mum died in the comfort of her own home, surrounded by love, and she never did suffer at all. The hospice nurse came daily near the end of her life to ensure she was comfortable and we never did have to open up that "emergency package" not once. When mum died she opened her eyes, took two deep breaths and died the most peaceful death you can imagine.
Her ordeal of life is over. Mine started..but after a year I'm managing.
Once one and then both of your parents die, the tension with your sister will clear up unless you let unspoken resentments fester, one stops pulling her weight and/or withdraws, or you don’t make a practice of processing what you are going through on a regular basis. You are indeed fortunate to have more than one sibling that is sharing the responsibility equally. It also sounds like you had strong parents with good child rearing skills who inculcated the advantages of strong sibling bonds. All to often on this site, the exhaustion of caregiving a child’s parents is complicated by long standing resentment and hostility that begins to openly manifest when the parent becomes infirm, helpless, or dependent upon a child the parent has physically or emotionally abused, neglected or psychologically wounded. Your journey can and will be tense but peaceful if you bring your concerns regarding your relationship with your sister out in the open now.
I would invite your sister out for breakfast or lunch away from it all, and discuss the never ending medical appointments and which appointments can be cut back. It sounds to me like both you and your sister are on the caregiving hamster wheel and need to get off of it. If you can't have a conversation - and come to agreement - about medical appointments, then you know that you both need help with figuring out the future caregiving needs of your parents. Maybe bring up hiring a geriatric care manager because both of your parents need very different things.
I hope your parents important paperwork - durable power of attorney both medical and financial, living wills, etc. - is already in place. If not, you must get this done quickly while your mother is still considered competent to sign such documents.
Be aware that caregiver burnout is insidious. By the time one of you cracks, it's too late. Be proactive and tell your sister that you miss the relationship you once had with her, and that you want to start discussing plans for your parents' futures. This takes time but it may be the kind of project that rekindles the sisterly bond. No one wants to feel like they have no choice but to continue doing the things that are stressing them out.
It's great that you and your sister are close, and that you have allies in each other. The kind of work you are doing is taxing, emotionally and physically. It seems that maybe you can rest in knowing that you are close, and will be close in the future. Maybe you can find peace in that right now each of you have to take care of your needs first, and fully focus on taking the space for your well being and trust that you will find time for each other again. I wish you and your sister well!
I have been taking care of my 90 year old dad for a few years now. As time has passed he is progressing in dementia and it's been difficult for one of my brothers. He has pulled away quite a bit from helping with dad's care and at first it made me quite angry and resentful. After a while I realized that I need to focus my energy on keeping me well and allow him to deal with his emotions as he needs to. One thing I have learned is that what is happening to my father is not happening to me and my brother, and while I was keeping score with him in the beginning it isn't necessary and shouldn't impinge on our relationship as siblings. We are feeling all the emotions and we need to put them somewhere, usually at the one who is in front of us. I learned it doesn't have to be that way.
I have a sister that I have a great relationship with, one that I cherish very much. I feel so terribly for people who only have strained sibling relationships; when it comes right down to it, there is really no one else on the face of the Earth that you share so much background with.
Since I haven't split caregiving with my siblings, I can't give you a "oh, we did this and it worked for us..." but rather I will give you some thoughts as to what I might try were I in your position.
First and foremost: being exhausted is not good on any relationship, be you parents of a newborn or caregiving an elderly LO. BOTH of you need to get some decent rest - I know that's hard, what with working all day and caregiving all night. Maybe set up a schedule that one or the other of you is "off" every 4th night (ie: Monday night, both on; Tuesday night, you're off: Wednesday night, both on; Thursday night, she's off) - keep your phone handy for an emergency, but make sure you only use it for a true emergency.
Try to carve out a night every few weeks or once a month for both of you to be off to do stuff together - much like you would do with a spouse. The relationship between you and your sister is precious as well, and since it is so important to you it's ok to give it some dedicated time.
Understand that everything will not always be equal and equitable. This is the hardest part of any relationship. It's why I cringe when I hear people talk about marriage being "equal". Not that I think that one person's worth is less than the other; but in every relationship there are going to be things I do better, or enjoy doing more than my spouse and vice versa. Or things that I have more time for than he does. But once you start "keeping score" so to speak - this week, I made 5 meals and you only made 2, you mowed 3/4 of the lawn and I did 1/4 - it starts to feel more like a competition, and in a competition there are winners and losers. That mindset doesn't help foster happy relationships.
If you find yourself disagreeing about minor issues, I expect that's more exhaustion and frustration talking. However, if your disagreements are on major issues, then you need to really have a heart to heart about what your long term plans are going to be. If, for instance, your sister's mindset is "once mom/dad reaches this stage, we need to place them in a facility" and yours is "I want to keep them at home longer than that", you need to be brutally honest with each other without recriminations or trying to force your mindset on the other.
At the end of the day, once your parents are gone, I imagine you still want to have a close relationship with her. You are both incredibly lucky that you have each other to rely on - so many of us here don't have that added support of a hands-on sibling - but if it's getting to be too much for one of you, it's time to begin exploring other options. But you can only get there is you are both honest with each other without getting mad at each other.
Good luck!