Live-in relative going into our bedrooms and going through our stuff when we are not home. Any advice?

You say you do not go through her stuff when she is out. Do it and let your relative know her things were snooped through. Perhaps a taste of her own medicine will stop her invasion of your privacy.

Sounds like she may need either a home-health aide/companion who can keep her occupied and give her some company. Also, many larger townships now have their own senior centers who offer activities and meals during the day, and they can be picked up and dropped off by designated vans. She could be there between 9am to 3pm, and that would occupy a greater part of her day.

I know about this because my own township offers this service.

This is not just a problem, it has turned into a nightmare. You have graciously taken in a relative for reasons which we have not yet been given, nor do we know who this person is, i.e. aunt, MIL, grandmother, etc. She has her own townhouse which she can not afford to live in due to financial reasons. She has had a stroke sometime in the past. She snoops when you are out of the house. She has her own lovely space in your home which you have so generously provided. She has unsanitary habits i.e. the dishwasher/dirty hands/garbage. You have suffered immense losses i.e. deaths, your own health, the health of your son is your utmost concern and you are just plain worn out. You've not mentioned your spouse. Where is your spouse in all of this? Surely your son should have his support and wellbeing as well as being there for you. Is he helping with any of this? I am asking because your post is unclear in some areas. Is this relative contributing to your household financially? Did you make a promise to take care of this person? Please don't misunderstand my asking - I can relate to some of what you've been going through. My concern is for all of you living in your home. You are dealing with several issues, not just one.
Strokes can cause so many behaviors which are hard to diagnose. Your first thing would be to get her (and I'm going to assume it is a "her") evaluated by her primary doctor or a geriatric doctor who specializes in the elderly. And there may be something else wrong physically. It has been shown that elderly can be sneaky. The fact that she waits until you are out of the home to snoop is a red flag. So does she really know what she is doing or is she bored or just looking for something to do. No matter what, she has overstepped her boundaries by entering your private quarters. Yes, locking the doors can be a solution, but do you also want to use a key every time you want to go into your bedroom for something? Should not be necessary. If she owns the townhome and has equity (another unknown) make arrangements to sell it, look for an assisted living place and use the proceeds to fund her stay and when the funds run out, she can become a Medicaid recipient. Check with your local or county office for the elderly and ask for their help. Your son and his disability is your most important charge in life along with your own health. If you are not healthy, you are no good to anyone and then they all lose and you the most. Bless you for being the kind of person who cares. You are a caregiver with a heart of compassion, but I can read from your post, you are just about out of energy. You definitely need a break and having a week or so of respite is in order. If I was there I'd come in a heartbeat. Could you have her go to her townhome with a caregiver staying with her for a few days - another option if you can manage it. Again, I urge you to take care of yourself first and reclaim your life and health. Hugs.

Just lock your doors. You're an adult and you have a right to your privacy. She does not have a right to invade that privacy. This is called "tough love, just say no." Her BP is her responsibility, not yours.

I have a sister who likes to snoop. She no longer stays overnight at my house. You can't change long-standing habits of socialization. I would play that videotape for her and keep the camera in place. Inform her that if she is caught again, she is OUT the door permanently.

" Seriously? Well, I guess so or you wouldn't have posted." ... me

" Yes, this is a serious thing when the house has autism...so yes...seriously.." ... you

" It is just too much to have someone going through my things as wimpy as that sounded to the first replier." ... you

So, Mewlan, I am the first replier and I'd like to share that it was never my intention to imply that you were acting in a wimpy manner. I'm afraid you misinterpreted the first sentence of my answer, quoted above in this response, which was intended to convey surprise that anyone you would offer your home to, as you have, would be havin such a way. And then, as the remaining six paragraphs suggest what I thought was very sensitive way of handling your relative in a way that would cause both you and her the most minimal amount of stress.

After psychological training, I participated as a volunteer call receiver for a helpline/suicide prevention center for 5 years. Two of the primary things one learns is "Active Listening" & NEVER to blame the victim, so I beg you not to take what I'm going to say next as an attack on you. You obviously came here for needed support but you started out by not posting all of the pertinent details. I'm sure you didn't purposely mean to be vague, but why not refer to this lady who is living in your house as what she is, grandmother, aunt, cousin, mother in law, etc. rather than "relative" and "she", leaving us guessing. And that this lady upsets your "adult child" whom we discover, as we read on, is a "he" and is "disabled", then learn only in your second post that the issue for the "he" who is apparently your son is autism, which sheds a completely different light on your relatives who is disturbing him.

While your first post indicated your primary concern was the clear invasion of your privacy. My opinion and that of many others was that it had to stop, and there were many suggestions of how to do that. But we were rather much stabbing in the dark with what I think or mild suggestions for what sounded like a mild problem.

However, in your second post, we see a much more serious portrait of what's going on and how harmful this is to your family structure. In addition to caring now and laying down future plans for your adult autistic son, you have experienced an array of illness and death that in and of itself would be enough for anyone human being to deal with. On top of that, you've had surgery that seems to have gone bad and left you with nerve damage (what? possibly neuromas?) that need to be treated with pain medication.

Thru all of that, you have bent over backwards in the most kind of ways and opened your home to your Madame X, who has not respected your privacy or your boundaries (and never did, apparently), as well as practicing unsanitary home care habits as she undoubtedly believes she is attempting to help.

You only need refer to my profile to find my history of experience with dementia. On that basis, I'm going to somewhat disagree with the fact that Madame knows she's doing wrong because she only does it when you're gone. I do believe if you would get her evaluated by a neuropsychiatrist, you would find some level of dementia, possibly even vascular dementia left over from the stroke. It is also fairly common for pre and post stroke patients to have TIAs, which can further damage the brain.

What I'm really wanting you to understand from my post here is that with your new information given only secondarily, I feel this situation is much more critical for your own personal sanity then you made it sound in the first post. I will also say that I completely misunderstood your reference to Madame living downstairs as being a separate apartment, which I now understand with an incorrect assumption.

Now, I would suggest that your next move is her evaluation ASAP, to discover her honest condition and find out in your heart of hearts if you're able to continue doing with it. You have been a good caretaker so far, for as long as you've been able to, but there is no shame in seeking placement. If she is evaluated as not being able to live alone because of some type of dementia or memory loss. In her financial situation, as you have described it, she should be eligible for Medicaid, which will pay for memory care.

It is pretty clear to me that you and your son are in crisis over this situation. I know it's very difficult to step back and say I can't do this anymore when you have made the previous commitment to care take. Folks on this forum go through this every day. Ones who have promised their loved one to keep them at home many times come to the fork in the road and realize that they have to "break their word" and place the patient in a facility. It causes grief and anguish, and many times guilt. But the truth is, when you made a promise, you had no idea how bad it would get, how hard it would be, or what other things you would be experiencing in your life.

As I have said many times before, when you put someone in a facility, if you are still over seeing their care (which is very good to plan on, because all seniors need a caring advocate, IMO), there will be plenty of work to keep you busy at the administrative level but you will no longer be exhausting yourself with either physical care or emotional worries that you have when someone is living under your roof.

I don't believe there's anything wimpy about what you have done or gone through. imeone, a comedian I think, said that growing old isn't for cowards. Well, neither is caretaking. It is a relatively thankless job and labor of love. Only each individual can know inside themselves when you have reached your limit.

Mewlan, given all that you've been through lately, with your parents' death and ongoing care for your child, I think maybe you just need a plain old break. At least as a first step. Some assisted-living-type places will take seniors on a temporary basis for exactly this reason. Would this be an option for you?

It might not hurt for your relative to be reminded that there are other places besides your home that she might find herself living in, as well.

Re. my adult child is a kind helpful sweet person but has to have a calm predictable home environment especially when school was so hard on my child. It was simply awful to watch the suffering my child endured and I tried to help all the time to make sure life was doable.

I am wearing down and I can't wear down. This is getting too much.

Yes, this is a serious thing when the house has autism...so yes...seriously..

There are no video/nanny cams in my house...I used an ipod on a single day. Re. her feeling imprisoned/etc., that is not the case at all...she is well cared for. I had installed a beautiful grass garden (her favorite) outside her bedroom window. I take her on erands and to a restaurant 2x per week. We have coffee and each day for most days which she likes. If she wants chocolate chip cookies I bake them. If she wants roasted chicken from the store I get it. I take her to all doctors and allow her privacy. She took over nearly half our home...has a lovely bedroom with walkin closet, the spacious family room, laundry room on that floor, and her own bathroom with a shower, new rugs her choice of carpet, newly painted walls. So three of us live in about the same size space that she alone lives in. We share the kitchen...no kitchen can be installed down there. I have a beautiful deck off the kitchen in a lovely neighborhood with a beautiful garden she can enjoy any time. Trust me, she is not in prison here and has been the most responsibility free and free from worry about financial stuff in all her life as she is right now. She tells everyone what a wonderful person I am taking care of her and I'm exhausted from all of this and a lot of other crazy making things.

We had a great relationship until the move in when she tried to take over my home. Lots of health related issues had to be addressed like her pushing down garbage, not washing her hands and then emptying the dishwasher...clean dishes, with hands contaminated with the kitchen garbage. The only way I could handle it was to stop her helping doing that...more drama. Lots of drama as I had to set boundaries for my family's sanity and health safety.

I agree with the early signs of dementia...because it seems she is changing...not like herself. My mom had a very subtle decline into dementia. Maybe that is what is happening. There has been a pretty much life long problem with boundaries in that side of the family, but I truly did not know how bad until the move in and the 24/7 reality set in.

But I agree she does know this is wrong since she is doing it when I am not home.

About a year after she moved in I had surgery and then 2 years later I got a terrible painful nerve condition that is controlled by meds now. I am just exhausted from getting my disabled child through highschool, then horrible hospice death of father (I was there for that) and even more horrific hospice death of mother (there, lots of traveling), and now this. I was done with this aspect of caregiving 3 years ago. I need a lot more rest myself now because I did not recover from the surgery well and had related health issues and then the nerve pain thing and still a full plate with future planning for my adult child. It is just too much to have someone going through my things as wimpy as that sounded to the first replier. Like 3 days out of 7 I feel like I need a caregiver but that is never going to happen.

I'm going to implement some of these good suggestions and see where this goes but I think I may be just be out of personal physical health resources to continue this.

Agree that you need to lock the doors of places she doesn't need to be. You may worry that it will offend her, but it is a lot less offensive than her going through your things. She knows what she is doing is wrong or she wouldn't wait until you were gone to do it. If all hell breaks loose, she is the one who caused it to happen. You do not need to feel bad. You opened your home to her, which is quite a lot to do for someone. I think we all have a feeling that we're doing wrong if we go through people's private things. If she is in her right mind, she will know she violated your territory and trust.

Cont-,
"I feel like a prisoner in my house."
Well,hide your stuff in a better place.Lock your stuff up with a key.If I was gonna move a friend or relative into my home.I would be sure to hide my belongings to prevent any accusing down the road.And to prevent finger pointing.If you would hide,lock your belongings in a safe place.You wouldn't feel like a prisoner in my house as you now feel.There's a reason why you moved this relative in your home in the first place.If you can't go on cont-.Find he/she a new place to live.With all you stated what your going thru with this 89 yr old relative.I feel for this 89 yr old person is he/she being treated right from all this accusing.To this to get so bad to where you had to install video cams in your home I'm sure your relative feels like a prisoner in her house to.You need to be thinking about this 89 yr old not just your self.You realized that this relative is going thru your belongings in your home.You now know this stuff is going on.To prevent anymore issues lock your stuff up problem solved.Letting a relative live in your home requires locking up your belongings.That prevents finger pointing in either direction.Your relative needs a place to lock his/her belongings as well.Trust is the factor of this story.

From reading your story.A few things I found that needs addressed are these statements you stated here,
(How do I stop this behavior )
(She does not have dementia or Alzheimer.)
(She is nearly 89 and has had a stroke a couple of years ago and is a very difficult person ).
By reading this story as any other story is messing more information to give the best advice.As lack of information.With the information provided by this Op.It sounds like,the OP isn't realizing that their "89" yr old relative has medical issues.Or denying the fact that their relative may just have dementia or Alzheimer's.If the OP would reread and realize what he/she as stated about their relative would bring lite to finding the real problem.
As placing these puzzle pieces together in this OP story shows there is signs of dementia or Alzheimer's that could be the main factor of the problems.Again,there is alot of messing information that wasn't provided to give the best advice.
With that said,
I'm speaking to the OP of this story,
You said,(How do I stop this behavior ).You realized there is a behavior that's the first step is realizing this.
Next,you said,(She is nearly 89 and has had a stroke a couple of years ago and is a very difficult person ).You realized your relative is "89 yrs old",Had a stroke and is a very difficult person .To me,these are all signs of dementia or Alzheimer's .The main reason why I say these are signs is because,she's 89 years old.The other reasons is because,the relative has change in behavior and a difficult person .At that age of 89 you need to take this relative to her doctor and explain to her doctor what is going on.Just because,the relative hasn't ever been diagnosed for dementia or Alzheimer's doesn't mean the relative doesn't have it.Just means never been diagnosed yet.This can also,be signs of a Mental breakdown (also known as a nervous breakdown) causing this relative to go thru your things.Is it possible that your relative is seeking to find her messing items?Maybe the relative is messing items.You need to seat down with your relative and bring all this out in the open.It takes two to work things out.You said,you have video cam of the relative searching thru things in your home.Show the video to this relative and put the relative on the spot see what he/she says about it.
At the age of "89" I'm sure he/she has dementia or Alzheimer's .If this was a horse race I would place all my money on that horse named "Dementia".
You need to have this person checked out by their doctor before accusing.There's reasons why.
Best,

Well, bottom line for me would be just to lock the door, if she doesn't like it too bad, you don't have to defend yourself at all. Don't waste positive energy defending yourself, just do what you have to do, she can pout, be angry, whatever, what will she do? Find alternative housing, well then, maybe it is time.

Does your mother have any other mental health issues? I ask because that is some MAJOR boundary-crossing. A mentally healthy person would be able to grasp that they are risking their comfortable living situation with such a totally unnecessary activity, and to stop doing it.

If getting her placed somewhere else is doable, then do that. I don't blame you for being beyond stressed and angry over this behavior. I got upset just reading about it! But until your living situation can be resolved can you get a lock for your door? To hell with the drama.

"I feel like a prisoner in my house." Warning sign right there - she needs a new placement. I think it's a great idea to call 911 for her BP and refuse to take her back with you. Let the hospital social worker find a placement and get her compliance. You can't live like this, and she could charge you with elder abuse and you would have no defense. That could cause you to lose your disabled son to APS as well. Make sure someone can take care of son while you have the discussion that pops her bp up and plan to make a night of it.

Agree with Carol. I know it is hard when you feel so resentful and violated but try the nice way first. If that fails you just have to do as Carol suggests if her B/P goes up so be it into the car and to the ER we go is this your blood relative or one of husband/partners if you have one? Kind hearted as you may be your first responsibility has to be to your son there are other options for elderly relatives. My mother was not as bad but if I left a letter out when she visited she'd read it and if I said anything she say she assumed I had left it out for her to read, I just made sure I kept everything put away

Seriously? Well, I guess so or you wouldn't have posted.

Invite her into your home, give her some cookies and chamomile tea, make sure you yourself are in a calm moment. Don't allow what you're about to do, or her reaction to it, to accelerate any reactions on your part.

Be easy with it and stay calm yourself when you tell her that you are going to lock your home when you aren't there and she will have to stay in her apartment.

If she questions you about not being trusted, simply pull out the nanny cam and play it for her. Calmly explain that you care about her, which is why you let her stay in the apartment, but that you can't have your space violated in this way.

Tell her she will still be welcome anytime you're home but that she will have to go to her apartment whenever you need to leave.

Ether get her key back if you think she hasn't made a duplicate or just quietly change the locks.

Don't make a fuss or drama even if she does. She could be in stages of pre-dementia that wouldn't yet be diagnosable. Her actions are unreasonable and you have already tried the normal way to get her to stop. It sounds to me as if her logic and reasoning are impaired, but you don't have to address that right now.