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I am getting to be short tempered with Mother when she doesn't do the things she needs to do ( drink plenty of water, use her walker to move about in the house, ect.)
Good1son, It is hard watching the person who taught you everything, was your solace, and you respected start to lose it. I am a professional caregiver and I have noticed it is easier for me to be infinitely more patient with people you have not spent your life with. I have a lot of history with my Mom, she was so capable, taught me so much, but she also made some monumental mistakes too. This is what I mean by history. I find sometimes that past resentments rear their ugly head with certain topics or situations making it hard for me to remain the Angel of Patience all the time. She also has a passive aggressive side that rattles me too as she has been a great Mom but always used guilt to manipulate us thoughout our lives. Call it Irish Catholic or whatever, it gets to you. So, give yourself a bit of forgiveness, believe me, I have felt awful when I get short with her too but we are human and make mistakes. I know they were not perfect all the time when raising us. Hope this helps!
I've been seeing my inner rage spill over on to my mom lately as well and I can't seem to get a handle on it. I go to her rehearsing in my head a pleasant response but when I open my mouth vitriol spills out, and that only makes me angrier at myself. In a few days it will be the winter solstice and the days will begin to get longer, and I am (sort of) looking forward to a holiday next month, in the mean time I have to just keep practicing those more positive responses.
Please listen to ohJude. She said it so nicely! Delegate more and your mood will improve. Save your strength in case of an emergency. You deserve a little me time, too.
Whoah steady Goodson - is none coming to see her while you are work? Sounds like it might be time to try and get some help. Even if it's only a neighbour popping in or a local charity worker visiting. You cannot do it all sweetheart it's not possible and where is the 'you' time. No wonder you're down but you aren't to be hard on yourself. Perhaps a chat to her doctor explaining the situation, but you need help now hun you really do xxx
Thank you all for the advice and encouraging words. I really try to keep my temper in check and remind myself that Mom is 85 y.o. and can't help the way she is. It's just hard for me to be upbeat when I've had a tiring day at work and then have to make supper, clean house (sometimes even clean Mom), do laundry, ect. Just a little while ago, Mom stumbled in her bedroom and luckily the bed was right there and she plopped right onto it. I had a few words of criticism and then checked myself and apologized to her. Oh well. I'll keep you posted.
Good1 as she transitions from one stage to another in dementia, you too will have to learn the steps of each transition....I can't tell you what they are ...they vary from individual to individual.... you only have to read through discussions on this site to see that each day hour week month brings us new challenges.
What I can tell you is that each transition takes time to adjust to for both you and her. She still thinks she is able to walk and sometimes she may be able to walk without her walker.Is it safe? Is it hell as like. Will that stop her? Nope!
Will she drink enough - not a hope in hell I am afraid - it is prompt encourage sit and drink with her and keep prompting. Perhaps an ice lolly? When Mum is on one she refuses drink but having a sweet tooth she will always get through an ice lolly
I think this happens to most of us, if not all of us, at some time or another. Even w/o dementia, it's challenging not to get frustrated.
What might help is counting to 10, taking yourself out of the situation mentally (visually something peaceful), leaving the room, and constant reminders that she can't help what she's doing, even if it seems to be a refusal.
Goodson, if your mom has dementia, she's beyond being reasoned with. You can pour her a small glass of very cold water and say " here mom, some nice fresh water for you". Don't lecture, don't press. Make it sound like a treat. The walker is harder. Is there an slarm on her chair so that you're alerted whrn she gets up?
Oh my brother, could we trade some stories. I'm currently on my way to deal with the latest crisis with my parents who are 12 hours and 3 states away. They are mid 80s, Dad with dementia who just went deer hunting in his Jammie's and slippers at 4 in the morning. A neighbor found him and brought him home. I can't get mad at him. I used to till I learned about dementia.
But Mom is still pretty sharp, no dementia but lots of medical issues. She's has been pretty good at wrangling Dad but her reasoning skills are just not up to snuff anymore. She can't regulate his meds. I think he may have gotten into the ambien bottle last night causing the deer hunting trip. Mom just doesn't think to hide the dangerous stuff from him, or to use her walker, or a dozen other things to keep them safe.
Her memory is quite good still but it's mystifying to me how she can overlook the most obvious dangers regarding their safety. So you can't get mad, it's just old age coming on hard. I'll be getting home tomorrow and facing possibly the biggest challenge of my life: Getting the car keys from Dad and trying to get them into assited living. It will take some time. I will get mad and frustrated but I will try my best to not show it to them. From the little bit of information I have about you and Mom, I don't doubt you'll be in the deep end with me soon.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
It is hard watching the person who taught you everything, was your solace, and you respected start to lose it. I am a professional caregiver and I have noticed it is easier for me to be infinitely more patient with people you have not spent your life with. I have a lot of history with my Mom, she was so capable, taught me so much, but she also made some monumental mistakes too. This is what I mean by history. I find sometimes that past resentments rear their ugly head with certain topics or situations making it hard for me to remain the Angel of Patience all the time. She also has a passive aggressive side that rattles me too as she has been a great Mom but always used guilt to manipulate us thoughout our lives. Call it Irish Catholic or whatever, it gets to you. So, give yourself a bit of forgiveness, believe me, I have felt awful when I get short with her too but we are human and make mistakes. I know they were not perfect all the time when raising us. Hope this helps!
In a few days it will be the winter solstice and the days will begin to get longer, and I am (sort of) looking forward to a holiday next month, in the mean time I have to just keep practicing those more positive responses.
What I can tell you is that each transition takes time to adjust to for both you and her. She still thinks she is able to walk and sometimes she may be able to walk without her walker.Is it safe? Is it hell as like. Will that stop her? Nope!
Will she drink enough - not a hope in hell I am afraid - it is prompt encourage sit and drink with her and keep prompting. Perhaps an ice lolly? When Mum is on one she refuses drink but having a sweet tooth she will always get through an ice lolly
What might help is counting to 10, taking yourself out of the situation mentally (visually something peaceful), leaving the room, and constant reminders that she can't help what she's doing, even if it seems to be a refusal.
Goodson, if your mom has dementia, she's beyond being reasoned with. You can pour her a small glass of very cold water and say " here mom, some nice fresh water for you". Don't lecture, don't press. Make it sound like a treat. The walker is harder. Is there an slarm on her chair so that you're alerted whrn she gets up?
But Mom is still pretty sharp, no dementia but lots of medical issues. She's has been pretty good at wrangling Dad but her reasoning skills are just not up to snuff anymore. She can't regulate his meds. I think he may have gotten into the ambien bottle last night causing the deer hunting trip. Mom just doesn't think to hide the dangerous stuff from him, or to use her walker, or a dozen other things to keep them safe.
Her memory is quite good still but it's mystifying to me how she can overlook the most obvious dangers regarding their safety. So you can't get mad, it's just old age coming on hard. I'll be getting home tomorrow and facing possibly the biggest challenge of my life: Getting the car keys from Dad and trying to get them into assited living. It will take some time. I will get mad and frustrated but I will try my best to not show it to them. From the little bit of information I have about you and Mom, I don't doubt you'll be in the deep end with me soon.