Lost my mom this morning. Any words of wisdom from anyone?
I just wanted to reach out to the many people on this forum who have gone through this.
It's a pain like no other I have ever felt in my life! I can’t seem to stop crying.
It’s so surreal. My mom passed away early this morning at the hospital
peacefully after several hospitalizations this summer.
I was the daughter who helped advocate for my parents while they lived up here near me when we moved them here. The last 6 years have been a roller coaster of feelings. I am so proud of what I did for them both but I knew I was limited on what I could do.
I was their support system. I also got to know my mom so well during these last
several years.
I was prepared for her passing as much as I could since I lost her nearly twice
already 6 years ago. But nothing prepared me for what hit me this morning.
My dad was married to her for 64 years and of course I am very worried about him.
They were as close and devoted as two people could be.
Due to covid they would not allow anyone but one family member to visit so I was glad I thought of asking my dad to put the phone to her ear so she could hear me say, I love you. According to my dad, she said it back though she had a mask on her face to help her breath.
I am my dad’s rock so I am making all the arrangements for her memorial.
This one is more difficult for obvious reasons. I am a mess. I am grateful for having had my mom for 58 years. Happy that she lived to be 88 and had my wonderful father. Happy that she died peacefully but I’m so very sad. She’s my mom and losing her is the hardest thing I have ever experienced…yet.
Any words of wisdom from anyone?
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All that to say, grief is a journey and your journey will not be like mine or anyone else here. What a wonderful gift you had of getting to know her over the last several years, something you will always treasure.
The only thing that helps grief is time. I know it doesn't feel like it now, but it will get easier as time goes on. Don't try to rush the process - you grieve as long and as hard as you need to. If it gets overwhelming, seek grief counseling.
My mom passed last October; it was very hard for me at first, but it is getting easier. I still have my days and moments, but I am finally having more good days than bad ones. The "firsts" are the hardest - first holidays, first Mother's day, etc., so be gentle with yourself through those.
(((hugs)))
When my mom died about six years ago I thought I'd never be able to live in a world that she didn't occupy. But here I am, living and even laughing. It does get easier. I still have those moments where I feel this tear in my heart when I think about her. But I also know I did good by her when she needed me and that is a comfort.
It sounds like you were a great daughter and were there for your mom when she most needed you. Take some consolation in that.
Let yourself grieve in your own timeline. One day you'll be able to think of your mom when she was strong and healthy. Until then just be gentle with yourself. Cry when you need to cry. It's okay to not be okay.
Nourish and sustain the gratitude you wrote about. You are still her daughter, we never stop being the sons and daughters of our Moms.
What I have known all my life:
- How lucky and grateful I am to be Mom’s son
Some things I continue to work on understanding about Life after Mom died:
- The presence of her absence
- In over 2 years of often indescribable loneliness, I still cry
- There is no hierarchy of grief, no one goes to the head of the grief line, because there is no grief line
- Time does not heal, it is merely a measurement of distance between points on a watch or calendar
- Be on the lookout for Grief’s malevolent cousins: despair and rumination
Reading what others have written about their Journey after a much-loved one has died, especially a Mom, has provided me with needed and helpful insight. Online or in books, the wisdom and personal experience of others similarly devastated has guided my thinking.
The most helpful book for me has been “Healing After Loss” by Martha W. Hickman. I’ve read through it several times, and continue still, highlighting passages and writing notes in the margins.
Lassoing my thoughts by writing in journals has been cathartic.
Consider writing a tribute to your Mom, working on it each day, and reading it out loud to your Mom as you refine it. Read it at her memorial service if there will be one. I'm glad that I did.
In addition to photos, recordings, and many wonderful memories, Honoring Mom is what is left to me in her Afterlife. It has been a process of developing an evolving sense of meaning from 60 years of sharing the Trail, and being a team, with my amazing Mom.
More helpful to me than anything else, has been the Truth of the heartfelt, inspiring, and enduring words of assurance that came from Mom herself, not long before she died: “I will always live in your heart”
I will never stop loving and missing her.
My mom was a very special woman. Sure we had our ups and downs but I never let on much...I adored her and would do anything to assure both their comfort.
Luckily my dad lives just two miles from us.
I know she's at peace but it will be a while for me to feel any.
I, too, will never stop loving and missing her.
Thank you again.
May God grant you and your family grieving mercies and strength during this difficult time.
May HE be especially merciful to your dad and hold him up at this tremendous loss.
My Husband was on Hospice for almost 3 years.
I watched him decline.
I was his caregiver. (I did have help)
I was able to keep him at home thanks to the help and equipment I got from Hospice.
I thought I was prepared.
I was not!
The morning he died I felt as if my heart were ripped from my chest and stomped on. I, at that moment, understood how someone could die from a broken heart.
I could not understand how cars could drive by with people going about their lives when the world had shifted upon its axis.
All I can tell you is that feeling will fade. Sometimes emotions come rushing back but those moments are getting further and further apart. This is not to say I don't miss him, that I don't get emotional at times but it is not as raw as it was in the beginning. I know he would not have wanted me to react that way.
Help your dad, he is going to need it.
Keep her in your thoughts, she will always be with you.
You will hear words come out of your mouth that used to come from her.
Walking down the street you will catch your reflection in a window and for a moment it will look like her. That is her talking to you. Keep your heart, mind and eyes open.
((hugs))
She was blessed to have you as her daughter.
Early
Just grieve for now. (((((Hugs)))))).
I can feel the kind of love you have for your mom in your post. My heart felt the weight of your loss and I’m sending you a big hug.
Your mom was blessed to have you and your dad and she will forever be with you both.
Allow yourself to feel anything and everything that comes. Then do what your mom would tell you to do and be good to yourself - and take care of yourself as well.
I am 100% care for my mom and I lost my Dad when I was 19. It was an exhausting few days of goodbyes and celebrations of his life. On the way home from the funeral it was just me and my sister driving back home together (we were on the highway about 45 minutes from home). We were both a little numb and started playing around with the radio saying “Dad play us a song”.
Within a few minutes an old station wagon pulled in front of us - the license plate said “Dad” - it immediately pulled off the exit and was gone - me and my sister were speechless - then tears and laughter like yup that is exactly how he would do it.
Your Mom will always be with you in your beautiful memories - in who you are and always in little moments for the rest of your life.
“A Coincidences is God working miracles anonymously”.
Wishing you and your father comfort.
It's hard to lose a loved one, even with signs, so be gentle with yourself as you grieve such a huge loss. Sending you a hug and a prayer for peace during this difficult time.