My parents just moved into an assisted living facility yesterday with only 1 days advance planning. After 10 hours Dad just wants to go home. But his health is the reason they are there. And his verbal agression towards Mom, which is going to cause her a breakdown. The first night he just screamed to go home. All us kids are sick about it, and the effect his increasingly difficult personality is having on Mom's psychological health. What can we do to try to make this work for them both?
The facility has dealt with this many times, so speak to the SW and administrator about how to handle the transition. They should be able to help you (and both your parents) with a transition team. If your mom needs to have an intervention for your dad's anger - that is part of the facility's services. Let them know you are being proactive & relying on them to help your parents.
Every situation is different, which is why you have to stay firmly focused on finding solutions to you and your family's problems. Ask for help and a daily update (you will have to call & show up no doubt) but in the end the hands on approach will pay off & it will not be so labor intensive. Many times it is also a good time to consult a life coach who specializes in transitional events. You will most likely find your buttons being pushed and discover that you can be run ragged unless you alter how you approach things.
New Years is a great time to reflect on being the change we want to see. Having gone throught this by trial and error for many years personally and now advising others through a volunteer network I am finding that positive self-talk and having a weekly one to one with someone focused on your growth makes all the difference in how effectively you handle the stress that aging parents care & needs take on your own life. Life is too short to keep on with the same old family dramas once our parents have aged.
Here is hoping that you will stay on this site, but also find support face to face - there are many local caregiver support groups and being advised by someone who has done it - like Carol B. on this site in person is priceless. For me, as a volunteer I am able to share hard won knowledge and feel good knowing that someone else won't go through what I did.
Wishing you the best!
Actually, I'm relying more on God and less on me these days, and it seems to be key. Mom is no longer in our direct care, so that relieves us of both responsibility and her abuse. How's that for a Christmas present? My husband is elated, and wishing we never had to......but alas, no situation is perfect. Now we can concentrate on the love and support for our nine year old, back to family peace, and compassionately caring for and loving on our ailing fathers, who are declining. We are finding more joy in the past couple of weeks, knowing that little rests on our ongoing struggles with mom, and that our fulfilment comes from serving those who appreciate every things we do, as well as the one who sees and knows all. We got a Happy New Year's present, as well. We are free to build on, and cherish the time we have left, and gather memories with two dads, and they get to see us more relaxed and stress free. What a bonus that we have more time to enjoy our little boy, while he's still little, and no one is robbing him of his special place or competing for our constant attention.
We have been greatly blessed to have the supportive care at both ALF and NH for our loved ones, and they have a better life because of it. We have better lives because of it, and we are going into the new year counting our blessings instead of our problems. God is good, even in the valleys, and walks beside us all the way. Praying you all have a wonderful 2010. May your troubles be few, and your joy be many!