me: 53, had 30-yr freelance career on the road in media industry, never married, no kids, financially diligent over the yrs; brother: 48, has kept steady gigs for yrs, married over 15 yrs, 2 pre-teens, lives paychk-to-paychk, recently disclosed a longtime gambling addiction, his wife had to tk control of their finances recently because he even tapped the kids' college fund.
mom: 82, recent cancer diagnosis, ok prognosis, but will need treatments for years to come (we have been taking her weekly for the past month, shes responding well), dementia, starting to hv memory issues, mobile but can't live alone safely, not social, no financial knowledge whatsoever. dad: deceased 3 yrs ago, he was 89, he handled all money and home upkeep thru their 53 yrs of marriage, ignored mom's hoarding as long as her stuff didn't comingle with his lean military lifestyle on a separate floor of the house.
NOW: parents convinced me to move bk into the house 'for a year' while readjusting to hometown, which i moved bk to make sure they were ok in their 80s and to change work style from road to more settled. that was 5 years ago and i'm still here! dad's health was failing, and all were in denial, so i jumped in to be his medical advocate and caregiver, he got a staph infection after a surgery, and passed away within 2 yrs of me being bk home. mom tried to handle bills etc after that, but just didn't 'get' how all that works, so even tho our $ was and is separate, i just started paying for stuff out of my life savings. i live with her in her 3-story rowhouse, a third of which is all her hoarded paperwork from teaching and old magazines, as my ready-to-go lean apartment life sits in waiting at a local storage facility. we just got around to convincing mom to do a simple will, her assets will be split 50-50 me and bro, and i am financial poa, bro is medical. here's the rub - when she first got bk from hospital, her meds made her almost comatose, so I was thrown into hands-on caregiving first time, around the clock, incontinence and all - wow. she's better now, but i still help her get dressed, cook all meals, keep up the house, etc can't leave her alone, and bro can only relieve me on saturdays, and that time goes to grocery shopping and a solid gym workout.
I am now on the second parent as a caregiver and am trying to keep burnout and resentment in check, but i live very comfortably here and have low expenses. however, i need to get things started so i manage her care more than provide it, especially thinking long term, seeing as her needs will only increase. i also need to get back to work, so as not to jeopardize my retirement and have a life outside of the house, even just part time, but any work i get will not be traditional office work 9-5, more like filming or covering events to write about. mom gets SS and teacher pension and has ira and inherited dad's savings of about 300k. i have saved over 200k, but very little of that is in retirement funds. i would actually be ok continuing to live with her for the rest of her life, as she does not want to do assisted living. i think that could work but maybe in a retirement community, definitely in a smaller house, with more separation of bedrooms, an office for me, etc, and outside help would have to be hired to come in daily and help her in the home 'dayshift', and some overnights if i would be away on assignment, then we adjust adding more services over the years, etc. this is just now unfolding, and i am trying to think ahead and be proactive. i am flexible and feel confident i will fully get my life back eventually, but i need BALANCE moving forward. any ideas on how to make sure mom is taken care of, without sacrificing my future, and realistically doing it with no help from my well-meaning (but non-factor) brother? thanks for any advice!
Read through all of the answers and see what seems to fit for your situation. We have some very wise people on this forum.
Do take care of yourself - you must or you will burn out.
Carol
You are young. For you to get your life and career back on track you have two choices. Either arrange comprehensive in home care for her or begin looking at a continuing care facility, assited living progressing to skilled nursing care to memory care if needed someday.
Your roles are now reversed. Just like when you were a child your mom is going to have to make some changes she doesn't like. It will take a little tough love but don't sacrifice the best years of your life to your moms care. It doesn't have to be that way
I live with my Mom in very similar circumstances - I found people who will work for $10 an hour and are VERY good and responsible.
To keep my marketable skills up I work part time in an office. Small profit paying the caregivers $10 an hour, but the work AWAY FROM MOM keeps me sane and is a good investment for the future after Mom leaves this earth.
I plan a lot about my own future, work hard to take care of myself. You are still very young and must think seriously of your own needs. This caregiving will not last forever. You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders. Watch to avoid burnout. I hire caregivers and to play tennis. Be very kind and good and compassionate to yourself.
Best of luck with it, keep updating.
You are lucky that your brother is staying out of it. It gives you freedom to make decisions.
Also, since you have done this before, you know that what you might be ok with today, may not be the situation tomorrow. Things get harder, not easier. Prepare mentally!
From what you have said about your retirement funds, I would use that as a starting point. Talk to a financial adviser to see what your situation will be financially. What do you need to save now, how, etc. Go from there.You may have a different perspective after that conversation. Right now you want balance. We all do. But safety first: if you need to stay with your mom and face a bit of discomfort, well, it may be worth the sacrifice.
As for your mom's clutter, I am laughing abut that. My husband is the same way. I am a neat-nick and he is a hoarder. Just ignore it, and, when the time is right, you will get it figured (thrown) out--so will I.
There are lots of little ways to find balance without jeopardizing your financial security.. Exercise, meditation, reading, etc.
You sound very smart and mature. You will find your way.
Good luck!
You obviously have a good business sense. I like to use business analogies to help keep issues more toward the logical than emotional side. You're now a "hands-on doer" for your mother; move into the "management" stage as you follow other's advice and contract out some of the in-home help needed. Eventually, you'll segue into the "supervision" and "oversight" role as paid caregivers substitute for the work you've been doing.
Develop a business plan if it helps; that's always worked for me. I also sometimes use a very abbreviated critical path planning network to identify which tasks are critical and which are not. It helps keep me focused.
I appreciate your sharing the details of your situation, your well written history, and your very positive plans for the future, and I wish you success at each step of your journey.
Get the financial angle ironed out so that you are in control and understand it.
Go from there.
See All Answers