I have POA over our mother, I've always carried my mom with me and my family, and now these last two years has been so difficult due to her dementia. My siblings will not help out due to the fact, that I have POA etc. but they never did before. So my sibling is willing to take over her care with conditions, which are given and transfer everything and then the care givers will be hired etc. My mother is still aware and in and out, but I can no longer continue it has taken a toll on my family, on myself mentally, and emotionally. I need to start working and start living again. I run from home to home. I feel stuck, I feel like I don't belong anywhere in my home or hers. I've become depressed you name it. I did ask her if she would be ok for me to hand over everything to him and she said no, none of them visit or care for me and I want to leave you everything. Only thing I am burnt out. Please share advice. She isn't ready to go into a facility, I don't think she will do well either way.
1. If she has dementia so severe that she no longer has legal mental competency then the POA is set in stone and cannot be changed.
2. If she does not have mental incompetency then you should resign your POA and you should move out of her home (if I understand correctly you live in), get a job and have your own life. Whomever she wishes then to appoint as POA it may be your brother or someone else, it is out of your hands.
Let us take #1 first.
If her dementia is so severe that she cannot make decisions you need to get that clear with an attorney and doctors letters. At that point you simply tell mother that you are not doing care any longer directly and that she can choose to live in facility care or she can live with brother so long as he feels able to care for her. But that there are no other choices. That she made you POA and she no longer has capacity to make her own choices, so you are acting in her best interests.
Now brother cannot be made POA, if this living situation works, but he can, after some trial time, be made her guardian by your both going to an attorney, your resignation as POA done legally before an attorney, and your brother appointed guardian. Then he gets all the files and accounts and takes over.
Situation #2 is easier. If mother is not judged incompetent to act for herself then you give her a simple letter of resignation as her POA.
You tell mother you wish to move out and move on and that brother will care for her if she wishes or she can hire caregivers or go to ALF or whatever she likes and her new appointed POA will assist her in that.
You pack you bags, get a job, wave goodbye as you exit the door.
If you have more questions, different questions, I do think it would be best (and your mother's funds pay for this if you are managing POA now, you and possible you and bro should see and elder law attorney in the New Year. It's a good time to set things straight. With honesty.
Thank you in advance, please feel free to further advise.
The caregiving arrangement has to accommodate the caregiver because (as you are finding out) if it doesn't, then burnout is inevitable.
No one relishes going into a facility. My MIL is in an excellent, faith-based one that is more affordable and has activities, events, and a great staff.
Also: many parents "promise" to leave "everything" to their caregiving child but this doesn't prevent burnout and it often can't happen: even if your Mom wrote it into her Will, if she eventually needs facility care and Medicaid, she will need to have almost $0 assets and then Medicaid puts a lien on her house which the next owner needs to satisfy as part of MERP (Medicaid Estate Recovery Program).
You can maybe consider hiring in-home aids and tell your Mom that for health reasons you cannot do that daily care yourself anymore. If she says no to the aids then she will need to move to a facility. She may irrationally say no to both, since lack of empathy for others (even their own children) is a hallmark behavior of dementia.
It will be hard at first because she will fight any other solution, but then it will get better for you. YOU is who it needs to get better for. She will adjust no matter what she says. My MIL did and she's doing just fine in LTC on Medicaid in her nice facility.
You can however have a lawyer remove you as POA if that is your wish, but then your mother would have no one looking out for her best interests.
Just because you are your mothers POA DOES NOT mean that you have to do all the hands on care. What it means is that you do what is in the best interest of her and you.
And if her care is getting to be just too much for you, then it's time to look into placing your mother in the appropriate facility whether that be assisted living or memory care.
Caregiving only works if it works for all involved and from what you wrote it is no longer working for you, and you matter too in this equation.
So time to start looking into getting your mother placed(and no she doesn't get a say with her broken brain)so you can just get back to being her child and advocate and not her burned out overwhelmed caregiver. Your family deserves better.
Thank you in advance...