My mother has always been able to manipulate or lie to me to get me to do what she wants.
Now she is in hospice and has started wanting me to come every day or when I'm there she wants me to stay longer or overnight
I used to do overnights in the beginning, was not too hard, but as she got weaker, I am not physically able to do the things that needs to be done for her.
Her health has improved somewhat and she's complained about wanting to do things for herself, I have helped her practice when I'm there and encouraged her to ask for a spoon and practice holding it, also picking up certain foods. Between her increasing complaints and my sister trying to sabotage my mother and my relationship (Which wasn'thappening in the past, because of her disrespecting my boundaries criticizing my choices and decisions)We have overnight help now and during the day. I still have the after effects from having Covid in 12/2024, which she does not believe my tiredness and pain.
She tells me I'm making excuses when I tell her I am exhausted and still have to take care of things at home.
My sister makes this worse by telling my mother I said I was coming on such and such a day or that I said I was coming tomorrow, or I tell Mother on Saturday I am coming Monday, my sister yells "see,you tomorrow! Then my mother gets angry when I don't show up. This week she hung the phone up three times.
I saw her yesterday and she was nice until I was ready to leave then she started with the sad/angry attitude.
She has been told I don't care enough, my husband's not giving me a ride because he doesn't want me there, I just want her money etc. She's hearing these things from my sister and a greedy health aide who wants as many hours as she can get including trying to get other workers fired. She's buddy buddy with my sister now. (My sister lives downstairs from my mother and refuses to pay rent)
Do I give in and practically abandon my husband, who hasn't retired yet, sacrifice my peace and sanity, because she wants and needs me according to her schedule?
You already KNOW that there is nothing for this but backbone.
You are a grown adult. Sister and Mom aren't changing.
The choice here is yours; you will change, or you will continue the script and your well-written role as the scapegoat.
To be frank, and harsh as this may sound, you are a grownup. You already know all the facts here because you WROTE them beautifully and clearly.
The choice has to be yours. We on this Forum can't get on plane, train and airplane to pull you bodily out of mom's room, and to tell Sis to go-to-Hades.
If you and Sis are still in a childhood habit of vying for favored-child-status, then I am afraid there's little hope of any change here.
When your Mom says "Sister told me you were going to be here today say "I don't know why she said that because I don't tell sister when I will be here" Better than calling her a liar. Does Mom have Dementia? If not tell her one more time you have Long COVID. Meaning you still have the problems associated with COVID. She and Sis are just going to need to except there are days you just can't visit. And when you do, it won't be long because you tire easily. If they cannot except your illness, than oh well. Call Mom once a day. Maybe at the same time. You do not have to answer hers or your sisters call. If you do and they get started just say, I am hanging up.
"Long COVID is a serious illness that can result in chronic conditions requiring comprehensive care and may cause disability. Long COVID can include a wide range of ongoing symptoms and conditions that can last weeks, months, or even years after COVID-19 illness."
This seems like a lot of unnecessary steps but it might prevent your sister from getting mom upset.
Who is POA for mom? ... (does she need a POA? is she cognizant and able to make her own decisions?)
If you suspect any type of elder abuse financial, emotional you should report it and or talk to the Hospice Social Worker.
"My mother has always been able to manipulate or lie to me to get me to do what she wants."
No, the correct perspective is that you have always allowed her to do it to you. If you don't view this dynamic accurately, you will believe you have no power to control your life. You have all the power, you just have to accept the consequences of the boundaries.
Limit visits to when it fits YOUR schedule. If your mother complains about you while you're there, tell her that you're sorry your visit with her makes her unhappy, and then leave. Repeat every time.
If the visit is good but she tries to make you stay when you say you're leaving, don't explain or justify. When she asks angrily for you to stay, just say, "I can't. Goodbye" and then leave. Repeat every time.
If she tells you something your sister said that was a lie, say "Sister was/is lying." If your sister says it, then say to her, "You're lying." If your mother argues with you about the lie, say, "I'm sorry you don't believe me. Goodbye," and leave.
People can't manipulate us unless we let them. You don't deserve this kind of treatment. Spend the time with your husband, with a guilt-free conscience. (And don't answer their phone calls.)