I moved my father, who is in his 90s, into assisted living in early February. He had agreed to this last December, as his dementia had progressed, and it was getting to be too much for me to handle as his live-in sole caregiver. We have no other help from family or friends.
Since that time, I have felt judged by his friends. My feelings were confirmed a few weeks ago when I learned a few of them were gossiping, spreading false rumors, and repeating things I had shared about my Dad with him directly. In recent weeks, Dad got mad at me, as he thought I was calling his friends out of the blue and talking about him.
One of his friends has also said all the wrong things to him, such as, "You're never going home," "This is what happens to people when they are old," etc.
Yesterday, he managed to convince a friend who was not aware of his dementia to bring him home. He's asked me about this multiple times, but following the advice of staff and his medical team, I've avoided doing that to help him acclimate. Instead, I've brought more of his things from home to him in assisted living, and I regularly ask if there's anything else he needs from home (and to make a list).
Fortunately, Dad was only home for 10 minutes at most. He dropped off a notebook and a pillow and took a few things back with him. He barely spoke to me. It's part of his plan to start moving home.
While Dad was in the house puttering around, I talked with his friend, who sees him perhaps once a month in a big crowd. He had no idea my dad had dementia. But at the same time, why didn't he use his head to figure out maybe there was a reason why I hadn't brought him home? He made a comment about how isolated my father is, which is not the case.
When I spoke with Dad today, he was very agitated, which is unsurprising. He talked about moving home, and I reiterated what his doctor said, that he's in the right place to be safe and healthy. His next medical appointment is at the end of May.
I'm incredibly frustrated with the words and actions of these friends, two of whom also have spouses with dementia. They are causing a lot of damage in terms of my relationship with my dad and creating unnecessary agitation. I know it's somewhat short-lived because he will likely forget about it in a few days.
Have any of you had to deal with this? What's your approach to curbing this type of misguided and harmful behavior from friends?
If you have not asked yet, I would ask why Dad was allowed out of the building.
This was a wild card, and your point about not allowing others to drive him places is well-taken. He's started calling people he hasn't talked with in a while and they have no clue he has dementia.
I will talk with the staff this week.
I agree with others that he should be assessed for meds. It is very common for elders to need them, since dementia and cognitive impairment prevents them from being able to process their emotions, since they are losing their reason and logic.
I wish you success in helping your Dad settle in to his AL and peace in your heart on this journey.
I do default to his doctor's words about keeping him safe and healthy but he still hasn't given up on other options. Everyone keeps saying he will eventually let it go. It could be due to conversations he's having with friends. None of them seem informed at all about dementia, things you should or should not say. Again, it's shocking because two of the culprits have spouses with dementia.
I appreciate the suggestion about talking with the facility. This is the first time something like this has happened, but it might not be the last.
Your advice about his unhappiness and how to respond to it sounds perfect. It's true that he can be manipulative despite the dementia (case in point convincing his friend to drive him home).
Don't share Dad's medical issues with his old friends. Say he has dementia, and then stop talking. If his friends from outside the facility are around his age, you can expect them to drop off the planet and forget about him soon enough. You can always forbid those visitors, and dad may be better off if they aren't around. He'll eventually forget them too.
Dad may need calming meds for his agitation now. Speak to his doctor about that, and don't wait until May to mention it. I'm sorry you're having such a difficult time with Dad and his "friends." When such people undermine you and your dad, it's hard to think of them as friends anymore. Truth.
That is quite simply done. Being wishy-washy is a certain way to lose their respect and allow their hassling you. That is cruel on the face of it and on their part. They may need to be TOLD THAT in no uncertain term if they are too clueless to get your meaning.
Secondly, this is the time to speak with Dad's facility. If you feel he is unsafe in the hands of his friends to be taken out to lunch, out to collect a few things he wants, etc. then tell the facility that you may need to limit visits and that dad isn't to leave his facility and its grounds without you.
You are being run over because you are allowing that. It will be difficult the first few times you lay down the law, but once you learn how danged GOOD this feels it will come without thought, and NO ONE will mess with Mary.
Good luck. And Mary, do remember, you are not responsible for Dad's happiness. Old age isn't a happy time. You cannot make him happy and it isn't on you to do so. Stop letting him manipulate you. Tell him your understand that he is unhappy, and are sorry to see it, but that you don't have answers for him. This is quite simply how it has to be now.