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Hi all,


My mother's dementia has worsened to a level that she can no longer stay in Assisted Living. We have to move her into a memory care community or set her up in an apartment within a block or two from my brother so he can visit her more readily (he is not able to have her live with him). Mom is physically doing well, except for a recent loss of eyesight in her left eye. She complains of loneliness and has a hard time making friends. But we moved her to assisted living about 6 weeks ago and she's much happier now that she gets out of her apartment to sit with other women for breakfast, lunch and dinner than she was when she was in independent living, eating meals in bed most of the time.


There are pros and cons of both scenarios (memory care or at home care). I've read a lot about home care, but most stories involve someone living with a family member, versus living on their own with round the clock care.


Appreciate any / all advice. Thanks!!

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Socialization is so important for them. My dad has really benefited from being in a group situation.
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WatsonMaco Dec 2021
Thank you!
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If she is doing well in AL getting out, socializing with other residents I think taking her and placing her in an apartment with 1 caregiver that will be doing other tasks (no caregiver will spend 100% of their time totally focused on your mom. they will read, do laundry, clean, play on the phone, watch TV...)
You will need more than 1 caregiver no one can work 24/7/365
You will need more than 1 with a back up plan for when one of the caregivers is ill, wants to take a vacation, has to take the day or week off because their child is sick.
And what happens when your mom gets to the point where she will need 2 caregivers to care for her safely?
Will you be able to find an apartment or condo that was built or rehab done to make it handicap accessible? Wide doorways, no carpet, roll in shower are just a few things that will become necessary when equipment has to be used to move her around.

If mom is happy with community living a transfer to a Memory Care unit would be an easier transition for her. There you will have caregivers 24/7/365 in a facility that was built to accommodate equipment and various levels of care needed to safely care for someone.
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"set her up in an apartment within a block or two from my brother so he can visit her more readily (he is not able to have her live with him). " Is Brother willing to become the fill-in caregiver when there is sickness? No-shows?

Please make sure Brother plays a big part in this decision!
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WatsonMaco Dec 2021
Thanks. Agreed! Brother is the one almost insisting on apartment because she is happiest when she is with family and if she lived really close he would have the time pop by a lot more often. I'm more concerned about the other 80% of the time he is not there. We would have a geriatric care manager and/or agency deal with people who don't show up.
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My mother has been in Memory Care for a year.

I'm thinking over the last few months, where I have been either in and out of the hospital, ill at home, or just plain trying to recuperate. I have not been able to visit my mother.

If she were being cared for in my home, or even her own, I would shave had to manage the caregivers. Checking to make sure they showed up, are doing their jobs correctly, etc. That would have been IMPOSSIBLE for me.

I know that my mother is receiving good care while I have been unable to take care of her needs.
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WatsonMaco Dec 2021
I get it. I've managed aides while mom was in Independent Living and even though we used an agency, it was a lot of work for me. It must give you (and your mom) piece of mind she always has support when you can't be there.
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I think you already answered yourself?

"she's much happier now that she gets out of her apartment to sit with other women for breakfast, lunch and dinner..."

She wants company.

I'd rather hang out with gal pals than a middle aged son.. just saying
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WatsonMaco Dec 2021
Smiles!
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My bestie moved her mom into a board and care, also known as an adult foster home. It was about six old ladies, including her. This was $5K a month in the Bay Area about 8 years ago. I understand that it's about $7K now.

The 24/7 for aides for people this advanced would be three times this. And would probably not help with socialization. To the end, bestie's mom had this ephemeral peer group, every day was Groundhog Day for them, and they had socialization within this.
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WatsonMaco Dec 2021
Thanks Peggy Sue. I was talking about this same thing earlier today with someone. I need to see if I can find one of these places in Long Island or Queens. NY.
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Thank you!
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Thank you. That seems to be what most people feel as I read other responses to similar questions. This is all very helpful.
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My personal preference would be a good, reputable and local MC facility because of the social exposure to people and the availability of activities and events she can attend. I have nothing against home care but it can become a cloistered environment for the LO, with the caregiver becoming their entertainment committee. Also, 24/7 in-home will eventually exceed the cost of agency-hired aids in the home. If you hire privately you become an employer in the eyes of the IRS plus must endure a lot of management and labor headaches.
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