I could go into great detail but the woman just watches TV all day and comes down for meals. She doesn’t help with dishes or for that matter anything. She has been a game player but it’s getting worse. She also lies so I don’t now what to believe from her? I think she is one big manipulator. Problem is… My wife works very hard and I am the person who takes care of the house also all cooking. My wife doesn’t see it because she’s too busy. When I bring it up my wife says “what do you want me to do”? I’m feeling very stuck.
Good luck having a heart to heart talk with your wife about what YOU want!
The reason I always encourage family members to explore reasons behind a LO's refusal to get out of bed, bathe, do laundry, help with dishes, etc. is that my LO started out that way. I was beyond upset about it. I consulted with healthcare professionals who told me they thought she was spoiled and lazy! But, that's not the case. It turned out that she was suffering from dementia (having mini strokes) and her limbs might have been capable of doing things, but, her brain was not able to tell the limbs what to do. I wish that I had known all along, but, hindsight is 20/20. People can be suffering in silence and not know how to verbalize that something is wrong with them.
How did she come to live with you? What sort of agreement was there before she moved in? Or was it a sudden emergency and it just sort of happened?
Does your wife know that you are unhappy with this arrangement? It sounds like she has no reason to want to change the arrangement, or feels no power to do so. Did she and her mom have a good relationship before?
What alternative living arrangements have been looked at? Where are mom's dollars being spent? At the very least, she should be paying for room and board. And for respite care so that you and your wife can either get away or have some privacy.
Present it to her with your wife.
You could give her the option of choosing 3-4 things on the list.
But first you need to have a realistic assessment of her abilities. Where does she have arthritis? What can she manage to do?
If she is watching TV all day, she could fold the laundry while she watches it. You likely would have to carry the basket to and from her. But if the arthritis is in her hands, that may not be an option.
If washing the dishes is too much for her, standing may be painful, what about having her set the table? Could she also clear the table of lighter dishes?
Can she scrub the spuds and peel them?
What would be the consequence if she does not help in some manner with meal prep and clean up?
I once told someone who would pray over a meal I prepared, but never thanked me as cook, that he was no longer welcome to eat food I prepared. And you know what, I was thanked every meal after that one. Are you perhaps feeling used and abused? Would a simple thank you for all your effort help to alleviate the situation?
How is she manipulative and what does she lie about?
I get it that your MIL is getting on your last nerve but what do you want her to do? The MIL I mean.
What has she stopped doing that she used to do? Make a list for yourself and your wife.
Does she pay her way? Pay room and board? If you were to run through the IADLS and ADLS with her in mind, how would she do? After all she is well on her way to advanced age. She has lived past the average age for women in the US so it is not unrealistic to expect her to slow down.
Does she clean her own area? Does she do her own laundry? Pay her bills? Drive still?
If the answer is none of that then you need a care contract with her. She needs to appoint your wife and yourself as DPOA. Perhaps she already has.
What would she say if you asked her for a favor? Asked her to fold the laundry? Have you ever said “MIL would you help me with dinner?” Or ‘would you clear the table tonight?” Are you expecting her to initiate on her own?
Its awkward for you because it’s not your mother. I understand that. But if you haven’t already, take some initiative to advance your case.
Ask your wife to ask her mom for help to see if she’s able. Since you are with her more, you will probably notice her decline more or earlier than your wife.
Take a look at confabulation. She may have some mental decline.
I think many elders are depressed. It’s the end of life. You may be a bit depressed yourself knowing you are in this position of potential caretaker. At the least your MIL needs a good physical and a dialogue needs to begin on what plans are in place for her ( and your) future. Perhaps it’s time to look at ALF? Or a round of physical therapy.
Many many people watch tv all day. Maybe there is a senior center nearby where she can watch with people her own age or play games. Would you be willing to take her to explore those options?
I applaud you for coming on this site looking for answers. After you’ve done a bit of research you may have a better idea of what your wife could do and not feel petty about asking. You feel the decline. You are thinking it’s willfull. You could be right but I suspect there is more to be investigated before you let it cause you and your wife problems with one another. Dementia is very subtle but it progresses. Welcome to the forum.
Sit down with her, tell her what is expected of her, stop waiting on her. Say what you mean and mean what you say.