52 year old Ocdtrauma70 here. I wrote about 6 weeks ago as I hit a tipping point with my mother (highly anxious, narcissist) who has never been able to settle down, has limited assets, etc. We offered to buy her a house (away from us). She has gone through different terrible periods and this one is not abating. The advice was to cut ties. The problem is she doesn’t have a place to live or any family and will not stop harassing everyone. All the rabbis and psychiatrists have tried to help her, but they have given up. I stopped reading emails but now she is emailing my husband 4 times a day. I don’t want to completely cut ties because I feel better knowing where she is (because I don’t want her near me). My sister saw her for the first time in 15 years (rough and tough bar owner) and she left crying from the manipulation. The rabbi got her an upscale place in St. Louis for a month but now she has to leave in 8 days. She has nowhere to go. She won’t pick a place to live. She says she only needs to be near me and I can’t stand her mental that I wrote started when I was around 13 and she divorced my father. As written, we’ve funded her and will continue to fund a moderate life but she at 77 says she is so worn down she needs us to care for her. She wants a husband. She wants doting children. The rabbis all empathize with me as no daughter should get a mother like this and as the posters on this board have told me, I am the one who needs help. Since my husband is reading the emails, I obsess much less and now he is seeing how it has been for me. He tunes everything out quickly and has a terrible memory, but even he is saying that it really gets to him with the manipulation. My son is sick of it. She is somewhat estranged but has a distorted view that need to take care of her. She doesn’t remember reality. People on this chat have said she is mentally ill. I don’t know if it is mental illness or simply a narcissistic entitlement personality disorder. When I refused to speak with her for the first time ever, she apologized for the first time in her life. She made excuses that her anxiety made it hard for her to cope and she couldn’t focus on anyone but herself but she did always love me. She said my love was the most important. Now she lies about not having food to eat. Now, stop listening everyone says. My sister wouldn’t see her twice in St. Louis and left for Denver. My stepmom (the second choice of my dad) offered to help her in Phoenix, but she wouldn’t take it. The rabbis are all at a loss but they can walk away. However, she is targeting me as her only source of hope and life. We told her how sick I have been from the OCD and her threats and told her to let me heal and we would leave the door open. However, she still is saying that the only place she can live in the whole world is by me. I have seen her 40 days in 20 years. She is mostly miserable when I see her, but I fake it. She shows me one picture from 15 years ago showing how happy we were together. Sad life but I can’t escape. Very afraid as she is delusional or just believing what she wants to believe. She says she will heal. I keep calling to scream at her as I want her to stay away. I fake the crazy back although I am really bottling it up all the time. We can’t ignore her - she won’t go away. She won’t take a nice condo in Florida. She just keeps talking about how little money she has and when we offer to buy her a house she says it’s not enough. There are no laws to stop her from coming here. I don’t want this crazy lady near me.
If I were you and wanted to help, I would offer One choice, no negotiable. And no San Francisco, one of my favourite cities, but so expensive.
I call BS on that. You don't want it to change, you want to do and be good enough so this wacko b!+@h that gave birth to you will love you. It's never gonna happen! She doesn't have the capacity to love anyone, you're not special in that regard.
Until you come to terms with the truth and facts, she is going to continue to play you like a fool. She knows exactly how to keep you hoping that she will change and give you a mother's love. She knows she doesn't have it to give you but, you are still jumping through flaming hoops, tearing your hair out and kissing her backside to prove you are worthy of her love. In the mean time you are screwing your own family over.
Time to face the music and let her deal with the consequences of her choices or you can destroy yourself and your husband and your son trying to earn this thangs love and approval.
There are lots of homeless people and the majority are there by choice, because ain't nobody gonna make them do anything. Your mother is no different, except she knows how to work you and your heart. So she ain't gonna do nothin' she don't want, on your dime. You're being played for a fool.
You want to deal with your mother, regardless of everyone telling you to STOP dealing with your mother.
You want contact with the woman, regardless of everyone telling you NOT to have contact with the woman.
You want to finance your mother's life, regardless of everyone telling you NOT to finance your mother's life, b/c you are going to need that money YOURSELF one day soon. And it won't be there, b/c she has sucked it all out of your account(s).
The rabbi's have tried and failed to help. You have tried and failed to help. Yet here you are, back again, posting the same story: "We can't ignore here, she won't go away." Fact is, if you change your numbers and your emails, she WILL go away b/c there will be no way to contact you (that you are aware of). Ignorance is bliss in this case.
You're so afraid she'll show up at your door, yet she hasn't done so for 20 years now, right? And if she does, you can call 911 to have her taken off to the ER for a psych evaluation which would be the BEST thing you can do for her. The woman suffers from mental illness, whether you believe that fact or not.
Fact is, you WANT contact and all this aggravation with your mother b/c it gives you some sense of control. While slartibartfast gave you the 3 C's to use to deal with this: You can't Control this, you can't Cure this, and you did not Cause this, STILL you choose to control this situation with your mother b/c you want to.
So go for it!
Nobody can stop you from handling this situation the way you see fit. But stop asking for help b/c you don't want help. If she shows up, call 911. Or don't. Take her into your home and care for her there, that's the other option. But the best thing you can do is to get some professional therapy/counseling to help guide you through the process of setting boundaries down and then sticking to them. We are not getting through to you, so go the therapist route. Or continue obsessing about your mother 24/7/365 for the next who-knows-how-long and ruin what's left of your life. Your choice.
I don't mean this to sound 'mean' or 'harsh', just to be a reality check for you to see what you're doing here & find a way to either accept your mother or fix the obsession over her by getting a therapist. Otherwise, she continues living inside your head & ruining your life, one way or another.
40x in 20 years, yet 24/7/365 in your head. How are YOU going to change that?
So what?
If she shows up on your door step, you tell her that she may not come in and if she refuses to leave, you call the police and have her taken to the ER as a mentally ill person not capable of taking care of herself. You take out a Personal Order of Protection against her.
PLEASE start seeing a therapist who can help you stop enabling this sad, mentally ill person you call mom.
I have a book recommendation for you--"Never Simple" by Liz Scheier.
She is not your responsibility. You cannot help her, she won't let you. Nothing you do will help. She is 70 with a mental illness. She needs to be in a facility where she can get help. If you know where she lives get APS involved.
But mom just sees the money. If you can buy her a house, and for the same sum she could have an apartment, well why not?
You also seem to be struggling with the fact that you can say NO but you can't make her like it. She is free to her opinions and you have a right to your boundaries. You don't have to make her accept it. And yeah, I get that you don't want her anywhere near you, I feel the same about mine. But then I remind myself there are certainly a lot of absolutely repulsive people in my city already, whether I know them or not, and I just don't worry about them because if they showed up at my door demanding to be let in I'd just call 911.
I don’t read where you have gotten anything done since your last post.
Did I miss it? You sound like you are miserable and I am sorry for that.
Why not see a therapist to help you deal while you are waiting for her to give up?
One other suggestion, not a rabbi, or other family member, hire an attorney with teeth to contact her and speak plainly. Take whatever your daughter is offering and leave her alone, or just leave her alone.
Help mom break the cycle or loop she is caught up in now. And you stop talking about it to anyone but a therapist or here. Here is okay.
There are no laws that say you must obsess over her obsession. See the similarity you have? You are your mother’s daughter. You were with her the first 19 years right? Fight against going down the same path she has gone down. Get away from her. Let the money go through the lawyer and he/she can give you updates but not too often.
Wishing you peace.
They will evaluate her and will need to find a placement.
If she is released, you get an Order of Protection from her (probably a good idea to put that in place now).
Change your phone number.
This IS mental illness. She is delusional.