Mom's coming to live with me and bring my brother and 4 pets. She told me its my turn to take care of her and my brother as she is broke.

How old is your Mom? How old is your brother? What are their limitations/diagnoses?

How old is your brother? Is he disabled? As for the pets, unless they are well behaved goldfish, that is a lot to ask. I would bend over backwards to help a parent, I would also support a sibling the best I could, but just being told this way sounds like a bad foot to start off on. Set your boundaries, whether it be pets, or living arrangements. Do you even have room for them?

My mom is 84 and my brother 59. My brother and his children have borrowed all her money made her take out a mortgage and then ran up credit cards. My mom keeps including me in on the stack. Over the years, all I have ever done is send them all money to help them out. My mom is broke and now wants me to pay for everybody. My brother works part-time and, my mom says you can do it.

I have been divorced and raised my child on my own. I have been divorced for 25 years I am going to go crazy. I am a neat freak and so is my kid when she, and her husband come to visit. My daughter helps me with lots of things, but I think my family expects me rather told me I could help them all. I'm 56 I would love a vacation or just to relax I work about an 70-hour workweek.

I have four bedroom house so yes I have room, but I do have a life too. I get up almost every morning starting at 3:30 Am and stop working around 7PM.
I already help one of my brothers kids that has 5 kids and buy them groceries all the time.;

Move! Disconnect your phone! Leave NO forwarding address. Change your name. Hide!!!!!!! Dig a bomb shelter and get the hell in it and lock the door. Hells-a-comin!

I work from home. I am resentful because my brother and his family got my money into this no money situation. My mom says oh well deal with it your not leaving your brother out of this they are moving to my state.

Why does your brother only work part-time? Are the 4 animals your Moms and what exactly are they? Have you ever been your Mom's caregiver, or did your brother play that role?

What will happen to her home? Who has POA?

Sorry for all the questions, but so much is unsaid.

Okay. You sound like you are about to be taken to the cleaners.

My mom had a stroke mild about 4 years ago but she can be so nasty and my brother treats her like crap until he and his kids get what they want from her. I mean cars, rent, repairs, etc.

because their is no work in their town but my brother is insulent dependant and doesn't take care of himself. Her house well they talked her into bankrupty even thou she has an 800 credit score and told her to stop paying her bills. She will get to keep her house and then make about 40k off of it. I guess when she comes up here she said she is not giving anyone any money it is hers....

cococneedshelp .. DON"T DO IT !!! Seriously, you are an adult and you have to put your foot down and say NO !! Get a restraining order if you have to, don't even let them in your house for a visit because they will never leave. You have helped them enough. Truly.

Sounds dysfunctional.
I believe in family and I would support any family ember that needed it, to the best of my abi,it's, but the way they are coming about it leaves much to be desired. This is an obviously toxic situation. Do not allow them to move in....they will never leave. If you are willing to help hem find a place, a job, etc., say so. If you are willing to give them $ say the amount and for how long.
Mom needs to live off her SS and bro needs to work.

Just say no. Your mother saying it's your turn to take care of her and your brother sounds like a bad joke to me. Your mother probably gets SS, so can take care of herself. Your brother needs to get his own life. It isn't your fault that the two dug such a hole for themselves. It sounds like they want to pull you into the hole and ruin your life. Just say no. They can't move in if you don't let them. Don't let the bullying work. It can be hard to say no and make them understand, but it would be harder to get them out once they get their hooks into your house. In fact, legally you can't get them out without going through eviction proceedings. Don't let them get a foot in the door or your life and house are probably gone.

I would move immediately! This is totally insane and no matter we feel about family....this is a big NO!

I totally agree with these comments! You should really think about this situation and picture what the future might bring if you allow this to happen. It sounds toxic to me.....and once they are in it will be very hard to get them out! And four pets? Ugh!

This reminds me of something that happened to me a few years ago. My brother, who was a serious alcoholic, lost his job, home, wife, and mind. My mother thought I should give up my life and come home to watch after him. The reason was that he was too much for her. Well... I detested my brother, who had ruined my life as a child. He was a compulsive liar and would steal anything not nailed down. She wanted me to take care of him, because he was too much for her and my father couldn't stand him. Sorry, but it wasn't my responsibility. My brother was on a course of self destruction that no one could stop. He had been on it for years. He died a few months later, leaving behind a mother and wife who were actually relieved that he was gone. And, to tell you the truth, when he died I actually wondered why he couldn't have died a long time ago before he hurt so many people.

We may be our brother's keeper, but this doesn't mean we are their pigeon or their enabler. One problem with my brother is that he never was allowed to hit bottom until the very end, so had no reason to change. It sounds like your mother has been enabling him and now wants you to enable him. It is bad for him and worse for you.

In situations like this the potential "savior" has likely been trained their whole life to feel responsible for things they are not responsible for and to feel that only by meeting these other people's needs will they stay in good standing within their family or have any chance of love from that family. Guess how I know. This is powerful powerful stuff and it isn't so easy to just shake off even if your brain knows you are being used. The heart has a hard time accepting the painful reality.

Coco, if any of that resonates with you please consider getting into therapy so you have some more support for YOU in this situation and keep posting here so we can support you too. You do not owe any of these people shelter, grocery money, or restoring their debts. If you feel that you truly do want to help, as was suggested above make what you offer very specific, time-limited, and not open-ended.

Don't let them move in!!! Your Mom will be able to find her own place..Your brother is not your problem. He's almost 60 yrs old, really??

Please!!!!! You need to think about yourself....

Coco. Do not do it. Your mom can qualify for something. As an elderly, there are LOTS of programs she can fit in - Medicaid, Medicare..they even have "apartments" for the elderly under the gov't program.

As for your brother, He Is NOT your Responsibility. He will Never Ever grow up with you and mom there for him 100%. Your mom should have given him the Tough Love years ago. You are NOT his responsibility.

I guaranty you right now. If they move in, your house will deteriorate fast. Your Money will beTHEIR money. And you might end up losing your house, etc...

I never understood why people here on AC kept saying go to therapy. I have resisted it for years. I knew I needed it as a teen, but refused to go. Only this month I'm finally seeing one. OMGoodness! In the 3 visits I've had, I learned a lot. Trust me, when you go to therapy, they will help you see how people can "walk all over us." I'm learning to appreciate ME so that I can tell my family No More!

Tell your mom, NO. But that you will help her find a place to live on her own. Your brother has kids...well...then he needs to learn to grow up. And worse case scenarion, they too can apply for govt housing subsidies and food stamps!

I appreciate all the responses, it just hard for me since my mother had a lot of money and now has nothing. Her house was pa

Coco, It's not going to stop when they move in. Just as they have done to your father's house, it will be done to yours. Trust me, you WILL be taking care of mom, bro and his pets. No, you won't do his pets? What if his pets are moved into the house because they are House Pets? Are you going to let those pets mess your house? No, you will do your best to keep your house clean - which means cleaning after the pets, and brother, and mom.

Do Not Feel Guilty or Bad. Find Alternate Options for them. Get brochures, read up, call up. Get everything in order, write notes. When it's time, confront mom and bro. It's going to be very very very difficult.

Ask yourself: Are you willing to have your home be defiled, messed, damaged?
Are you really really able to Live with them in your home?
Are you really willing to give up your life, your money, your freedom - to take care or clean up after them all?

Know this, your mom is not even in a Critical condition where she's bedridden or dementia-ridden that she no longer can live on her own. As long as your mom and bro are able-bodied, they CAN live on their own....it's call Govt housing.

Your mom had a lot of money. Now it's gone. Guess what? YOU are now their next money tree (the bank.) Are you willing to end up like them? Are you willing to lose your job (even if it's at home- you will be too stressed to do any real job)?

Coco, as long as they have not moved in, it's easier to keep them out. Once they move in, you will find - like in some states - that you cannot just kick them out. So, I'm warning you now, be very careful of what you decide. Don't let mom give you the guilt trip. Do your research and stand firm. Whatever you decide, it's going to be with open eyes.

Coco you have successfully lived your life whereas the others have made extremely bad choices and ended up of the loser end of life. Losers are leaches and will do anything to suck the life blood of those they can. Your mother cares more about your brother than you. You take them in you might as well say goodbye to the life you created for yourself and your daughter. Blood is not always thicker than water!

(((((((coco)))))) just because your mother says it is your turn, does not mean that it is. I agree with all that has been posted above, My mother, who has Borderline Personality Disorder and narcissism has wanted me to move to live near her, so I can be "handy" to her i.e. give up my life here, so she can have a servant. No mentally healthy parent would ask what your mother is asking of you. No mentally healthy parent enables an adult son as your mother has enabled your bro to the point that she has reduced resources for herself and they both now want to come and suck you dry. No mentally healthy son does what your bro has to your mum, and no mentally healthy person would agree to this and you sound like you are on the ball.

This is a very narcissistic request. Narcissists put their children in different roles - the golden child who can do no wrong which sounds like the bro living with your mum, and another role is the servant. It sounds like you are that, since you help one bro and are considering helping mum and other bro. It is too much for one person to do. I recognise it as I was trained as the "servant" child, but I have learned to set boundaries, while still helping my mum at a distance, as I am able and see fit. I, and others here, understand a need to ensure that your parent is cared for.

I was thinking that one alternative would be to take in your mum and not your bro, but frankly I think that would disrupt your life too much, even though it sounds like you have the resources to hire help to look after her. As she gets older she will need more care. Your bro would be pestering you all the time, and I agree, if he set foot in your house you would never get him out. If your mum and bro decide to move to your state, you cannot stop them, but you can stop them from entering your house. But, before they move, make sure they know that moving in with you is NOT an option. They can pull whatever guilt trips they like - but stand firm. What is the saying re guilt trips? They can buy you a ticket, but you don't have to get on the bus.
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"I am resentful because my brother and his family got my money into this no money situation" Dear one, I am going to say this gently. You have control of your own money. You do NOT have to give it to, or share it with anyone. Please consider your choices and change the ones you are not happy with. Whatever money is gone is gone, but do not keep doing the same thing, if you are not happy with it. It is not your job to rescue them, or bail them out of the consequences of their poor choices. People, who are continually rescued, never learn.

This is what I would do. Research programs that are available to both bro and mum, make notes on them, visit them and lay it all on the table, first of all making sure that they know that moving in with you is NOT an option, but that they do have alternatives. I would spend a little effort, but not too much to show your mum the alternatives and maybe visit the Agency on Aging in her area and Social Services and get their input. Adult Protective Services might have a role too, in terms of how your mum is being bled dry financially. Frankly, I think your bro should fend for himself. There are programs for people like him. He is experiencing the consequences of his choices. It is not your job, nor your mum's, to rescue him.

You say you have enough room - great and I am sure you enjoy your home. But that does NOT oblige you to take in anyone. You have worked for what you have and you are entitled to enjoy it. Manipulators, and it looks like your family is full of them, use FOG, fear, obligation and guilt, to get others to do their wishes. Your mum is using obligation and may well use the other two. Do not react to these things, but be proactive and decide what you want to/can do and do not want to/can't do.
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I do think therapy is a great idea. I have gone over the years as needed in order to cope with my family, and it has helped me a lot
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Give all this very careful thought. The stress caused by taking your family in could ruin your health. It certainly would affect it. Let us know what you decide ((((((((hugs)))))) Joan

Her house was paid off. My father passed away a decade ago when he was sick it was fast Cancer. I wanted to move back there to be with him, he told me to do not move back here you will never get out. I have always been the next in line to take care and make sure my family was ok; I am the baby into the family. My brother has a 30-year-old son, who has really never worked a day in his life. he bullies both my brother and mom when he lived in the same town. He moved away and still ask for money. My brother who only works part time sends him money when he can. We were not taking about 20 bucks he asks for 500 bucks at a time. I have always felt jealous of my mothers love to my brother, and my dad always made up for it with me; I would work my job, go to college when I was younger and help my dad out on the weekend growing up when I was about 25 I moved away. When my father passed my mom was set due to my father's business my mom made a lot of bad decisions with my brother and never included me by selling rental property and basically getting screwed on a deal that cost her 800K but now my mom is in debt because of my brother and his family always helping them buying all of them cars, taking car of maintenance, food medical whatever they needed. I wouldn't care at all about taking care of my mom, she made sure she bought the house down the street for my brother and when he loss his full-time job because of downsizing at the office, he was there over 30 years he chose to collect unemployment for two years, but my mom always helped them all. Now she cannot because her payments are higher than her SS. She was making payments on my brother's house electric medical and all. She just can't do it anymore. I feel selfish, but I am not going to be drained dry. Trust me, I struggled for a couple of years after my employer died, I was making a 150K a year, but now I'm at about 75K. Which took a couple of years to find the right job but found a job after that making about 40 because I was just always too old they thought when I went to an interview or the younger person at that company felt to threaten by me working there which one told me that straight up why would I hire you for this salary when the share holders would see they get more bang for their buck. I am thankful for my job, but I work like a dog to keep all of my bills in line, which is only my mortgage. Ya my house is over 25 years old, and I am doing upkeep on it. It's not cheap. I had my brother's daughter come live with me with her family of 5 for four months with three small toddlers, and my house was a total mess; I finally just got it back in order with broken items jamming the washer and dryer to the max and broken furniture, and she told me oh that was flimsee are you kidding me your kids pee on my carpet spill juice cups on floor and eat like there is no tomorrow. I've had cancer and serious health problems when I told my mom a few years back that I was going to have radiation again she said well don't look to me for any money get it from your boyfriend. I promised my dad that I would take care of my mom, and I have financially but finding out a few years back that she was just dishing out her bucks to my brother and I was giving her money to cover her losses has really stopped its not 1,000, its more like 100 to 300 dollars here now and there and helping out my brothers kids up here in my state with 200-500 dollars a month. His one kid isn't lazy just too many kids whom they cannot afford. Thanks for listening. However, my mom is trying to rule the house up here too, and I am not going to live with all the problems. I told my mom I would find a rental home for my brother to live in with his pets like I did for his daughter but she told me last night your not throwing your brother out he has diabetes and Im not having it. Do you understand!! I just told her look I am not having all of this in my house you are killing me and she told me I have always helped you too. Are you kidding me when I was divorced I had two jobs taking care of my home and my daughter and didn't get any child support. Mom you paid for my brothers kids daycare and took care of them always, I owe you NO dollars.. I took you and my brother and kids on vacation trips with me and paid for everything are you kidding mom. Well she remembers but tells me different. I really think since she is so worried about her own bill and selling her house she will break even which is really sad. I told her if my brother would of moved in to her three bedroom house two years ago you wouldn't have this problem but you didn't want his dogs but you want me to have this. No way... So how do I tell her nicely I am going to have to convert my dining room to be her bedroom since all my bedrooms are upstairs because she cant go up steps she has all of these conditions for me. Help

Don't do it!

Good advise Joan, I told them I would find you a house to rent. My mom is alone most of the days anyway. I work from home and she could come over with me during the day. But my brother go to the vfw at night and karaoke too so my mom is alone all the time she use to do a lot of stuff but for the last two years just sits at home and doesn't move, God help me I know my dad is looking down and thinking Don't do it. You will be sorry.

It is easy in theory -- just say no. You sound like you're being bullied. Even if your mother and brother were total angels, you have the right to say no. Your mother already sounds like she is taking over your house in her mind. It sounds almost like an invasion.

My brother has basically taken care of her, and I respect that but didn't find out until just a few months ago he was taking care of her and her money. When he doesn't get what he wants my mom calls me and tells me he treats her like crap, and I told her you didn't have to take that she said well your not here. What do I do? When I tell her one day this is what we will do, and you won't have to worry the next thing is about you have to take your brother don't be selfish he has helped me, I finally said he you to the point of being broke. Are you kidding mom and yesterday was the first time I told her, and it wasn't calm that I was doing it this way not her way, She said she stayed up all night thinking about my selfish ways and the way I talked with her. And that I was just like her son. I told her you won't listen, and I am the boss of my own domain NOT you or my brother. She then said I will just die, I wish I was dead you are just a horrible person and to think I raised you.

coconeedshelp - I'm going to try to say this gently, but NO ONE can use you without YOUR permission. And they are definitely trying to use you. If I were you, I would "TELL" your mother how it's going to be - no if, ands or buts. It's your house, your money, your life - and no one - and I mean no one - including your mother - has the right to tell you how to live or what to do. That is YOUR choice and your choice only. So your brother has diabetes???? Whoopee doo! So does my husband, brother and mother-in-law. That doesn't make him an invalid! And they still work and function like everyone else. They just need medicine. And your mother had it made but blew it all away on your brother over the years. That's her problem. So I strongly advise you to find her a senior apartment and have her move there instead of with you. She is an enabler and will continue to hound you into helping her help your brother. Please don't fall for it. None of this is your fault!!!! You can still love your mother and brother without enabling them. They're ADULTS - not children - and should have grown up a long time ago. Please think this through as I honestly believe you will deeply regret it if you let your mom move in with you. Good luck!!