She has been in AL for almost 8 months and still not adjusting. She's always been a depressed/difficult person. I have taken all of your advice to keep my visits down to once a week and to excuse myself when the conversation starts going sideways.
Lately the conversation is sideways as soon as I sit down to visit. Recently my brother and I decided to see her attorney to find out where we stand legally to sell the contents of her side of a double then fix the double up and rent it to help with payments for her AL. Initially she agreed to this but with her dementia, she forgets, that's why we checked w/ attorney.
Anyway She wants to go over and get some things (nothing is there and it will soon be rented). She wants us to take her places. I don't have a problem doing that but am scared she will want me to take her to her home and then I'll never get her out. In the past when we brought her to our home, she is very bitter, angry and makes a big scene My husband is not comfortable around her. We have been married 44 years, and he has never cared for her or how she has treated our sons or me.
So question is, when she wants me to take her to her place, after a country drive or ice cream stop, what do I do? This is every week and I always use the excuse I have to get home for such and such, it's no longer effective. I am tired of arguing every single time I go to visit her. I know she needs to be there, but I feel terrible. I know I should not, but aghhhhh! I DREAD going to see her anymore and have to pray just to even get the gumption to go over there. That's horrible on my part! HELP!
I have the same worry when I take my parents out or to a medical appointment etc… . This is where I might start hiring someone who can join them on these appointments. The difficult part is both have dementia and I usually attend their appointments in the office with them. I am not sure how that would work with an advocate there.
It must be very sad to see your dad change so much, and no longer the man you knew and loved. And for your mum, too.
You are doing absolutely the right thing, protecting both your parents. I hope that it all works out for you and your family.
I had repeatedly tried persuading him to move out of their first floor flat (I think it's known as 2nd floor in America), as it doesn't have a lift. He dug his heels in, even though it was necessary and I had proposed that they just move to a ground floor flat when one became available in their sheltered housing complex.
Then, earlier this year, his hand was forced when Mum went into hospital and they refused to discharge her because she wasn't capable of using the stairs. There was talk of placing her in a home, which my stepdad really doesn't want.
Mum's social worker helped facilitate the move to a flat in a newer, larger retirement complex with a care company on site; a restaurant, bar and hairdressers; social areas and a lovely communal garden; plus different activities going on several times a week.
He hates it. Every time I visit he tells me how miserable he is there, that it's the worse place ever, and that he shouldn't have let me push him into it. He said he should have installed a stair lift for their old flat (an impossibility in the large communal stairwell of the building), which did make me question whether he is also experiencing cognitive decline.
The new complex isn't perfect, but it is a lovely place - far better than I will be able to afford in their position. Yet he had got used to working around the niggly little problems in the last flat and he's now of an age where changes are worse than unwelcome and the new niggles in this flat seem huge and insurmountable.
His negativity and refusal to try anything to make his situation better, along with the constant complaints and fault finding of me, are wearing me down. So, I don't visit as often as I used to. I've taken a step back, which hasn't gone down well, but I have had to for my own health.
Even without having dementia, my stepdad has found it difficult to settle into his new home and the repeated refrain was almost like he was saying he wanted to go home, even though he had the wherewithal to understand that wasn't possible.
I think it's as much to do with having an inflexible attitude as it is to do with having a cognitive impairment. After all, dementia can cause a person to lack flexibility; you can't adapt or change when you are no longer capable of learning.
(Sorry, this is a bit long winded in getting to the point. I just wanted to explain my thinking.)
That same year I'd had spinal surgery and struggled with the stairs whenever I picked up shopping or their prescriptions. I pointed out that, as the only one of their children helping them, I also needed them to be on the ground floor or in a building with a lift. And it would mean that Mum could get out and about more, which would help with her rehabilitation.
But no - he didn't want to, and what he wanted was paramount.
Now, my step-sister visits regularly and helps more than I do. I did feel guilty, but I'm getting over it.