Mary1159 Asked June 15, 2024
Mom continues to insist on going home, how do I respond?
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She has been in AL for almost 8 months and still not adjusting. She's always been a depressed/difficult person. I have taken all of your advice to keep my visits down to once a week and to excuse myself when the conversation starts going sideways.
Lately the conversation is sideways as soon as I sit down to visit. Recently my brother and I decided to see her attorney to find out where we stand legally to sell the contents of her side of a double then fix the double up and rent it to help with payments for her AL. Initially she agreed to this but with her dementia, she forgets, that's why we checked w/ attorney.
Anyway She wants to go over and get some things (nothing is there and it will soon be rented). She wants us to take her places. I don't have a problem doing that but am scared she will want me to take her to her home and then I'll never get her out. In the past when we brought her to our home, she is very bitter, angry and makes a big scene My husband is not comfortable around her. We have been married 44 years, and he has never cared for her or how she has treated our sons or me.
So question is, when she wants me to take her to her place, after a country drive or ice cream stop, what do I do? This is every week and I always use the excuse I have to get home for such and such, it's no longer effective. I am tired of arguing every single time I go to visit her. I know she needs to be there, but I feel terrible. I know I should not, but aghhhhh! I DREAD going to see her anymore and have to pray just to even get the gumption to go over there. That's horrible on my part! HELP!
Get a mini cake, pie, special dessert or similar treat and bring it with you when you visit. When she starts the want to go over routine ("to get some things"), tell her you will bring them next visit and promptly leave.
You cannot possibly cater to the needs, wants and whims of someone with dementia; no one has that kind of inexhaustible strength.
I would remove the home from being a "reality" that exists, into the realm of a memory of the time that was by bring with you when you visit a beautiful scrapbook, pictures and a pot of paste. Perhaps even some pictures to cut out and use for collage if that isn't too difficult. Talk about the wonderful memories.
As to leaving, I wouldn't leave her center a whole lot. She is seeing you as her rescuer, the one she can convince to do this or that. Now to go see the home, then to GO home. So I would say no to outside touring. Spend your time with her in her new home. Perhaps later consider lunch out. But no touring. You can make up any excuse you like or simply say "No". You can say it makes you a bit sad and teary to see the old home so you aren't going to be driving by it. You can say anything you want.
The real point her for you to grasp is that this is one of the most common things that any elder in care says to their loved ones. And it needs to be finally understood that this simply isn't going to happen.
You mother has lived a long life. And that life is now drawing to a close. There are many losses involved and all are hard. I can attest to that at 81. She has in her lifetime many times been unhappy, missed a happier time or memory, lost something or someONE, and had to adjust. Don't feel responsible for her happiness. This is not a happy time. That isn't your fault. And there's nothing you can do about that. If you remain confused and worried about all this she WILL pick up on it much as a child or a pet does; it WILL cause more disturbance.
So first get this all set in YOUR mind. And then stick to it. This is something to grieve. It is WORTH grieving, as are all the losses of aging.
I'd visit her there.
Every time that she gets into a loop asking and asking to take her out, you can just tell her that you will be back when she stops asking.
Just like a toddler, just because they want something, doesn't mean that it is safe to let them do it.
Unfortunately, because of our LO's dementia, we are forced to play the part of The Toddler's Parent.
I'm sorry this is happening to you.
And to me.
And to so many of us, here.
I am just tired of every single time, going home questions. I have a big SUV, she can't even get in, so she says for me to take her car. I don't want to. UGhhhhhhhhhhhhh Yes, I think you are right about toddler. Praying for us both
You say that you don’t have a problem taking her out places. It seems like it is causing anxiety for you to take her on outing. You are anticipating that she will ask to go see her home.
What about visiting her in her assisted living only? Unless you can take her out to a nearby restaurant for a quick bite, it might be better to visit her at her place.