Mom has broken arm; surgery earlier this month for plates and screws. I was there. Mom fell and broke C1 and C2 in her neck a week later. I was there. She shares a large room in ALF with her husband of 66 yrs.....60 yrs. too long. Folks live in NC I live in FL. I have plans to move them to FL (they have refused for 3 yrs.) Oct. 30. Mom is begging me to come get her. I think I'm losing my mind. Only child. Worried about dementia progression as they are both on the decline. Is it too late to move them??? I work (when I can) and have a husband, daughters and granddaughters that count on me too.....I have been commuting the 632 miles every 4 to 6 wks. since 2010 and I'm exhausted.
I've seen many a spouse given a new lease on life by their partner's need for care (or vice versa). Couples that have slogged on for years and years in an unhappy marriage. Then, one of them has care needs that differ greatly from their partner and it's the spark that allows them to act. In the community where I work, we've had situations where we've gone to great lengths (at the request of their children) to keep a couple together, only to have the wife announce that she wants her husband moved to skilled nursing while she stays put. It's not unusual.
If your parent's finances allow it, leave dad where he is (maybe in a smaller, less expensive apartment) and bring mom to Florida. If the money's there, why not?! It doesn't have to be a legal separation. They can just live apart.
I'd meet with an elder law attorney to make sure everything's in order first, then just do what works for your mom, with or without dad.
Bottom line I've been told by friends and professionals is I've gone above and beyond, it's time to care for myself. Being an only child that's hard when it's our folks. My parents are very difficult always have been suborn, angry, non of my fathers sisters will help or even answer my calls. Hillyann, there really is little at this point that can be done. Sure you could go get your mom bring her to your home but how will that effect your family. Can you maintain care for yourself, husband, children plus your mom. What if she gets to your home then wants to go back because she misses your dad. Dementia changes from moment to moment it's a horrible struggle. It's OK to take care of yourself, I'm working on learning that now too! You will be left it's up to you as to what you learn from these situations. I struggle on a daily basis I've been back going on 3 weeks still dealing with the mess my life is and there problems. Everything I put into place for my folks in home care they've undone then said the agency is lying. My dad is a narcissist it's always someone else's fault. I can't deal with them the agency knows what I've been dealing with they are supportive of my taking a break away from them. Continue to vent on this board it's helped me. I know where you're coming from take care of yourself as best you can, do what you can for them than turn the rest over to God as you understand Him! Bless you on your journey!