Mad if I do it, mad if I remind her to do, help! And for some reason every dish that i prepared, when served she mashes everything together, it doesn't matter what it is.(no bones of course) She can eat mash potatoes every day!!!! and also, with every spoon is a drink of juice. Lots of times when is time to eat, she gets demanding and with attitude at dinner time, when it comes to ask for things, like i need a glass of juice, my water bottle, my napkin,and she finished her food in about 5 to 7 mins the most!!! I tried to keep calm, but at times is hard, when you're tired and stressed.
I am all she's got, plus she does not wants outside help. Need help on how to learn to keep the calm because this is just the beginning.
Another thing, Mom won't move to a senior facility if you enable her. That was my mistake with my parents, I was helping too much, so why should they move, everything is find and dandy.
If your Mom wants to keep living on her own in her own home, then she needs to take on the responsibilities that come alone with that decision. How I wished I had learned that 7 years ago !!
Time to cut back, have dinner with Mom every other day. Since she is able to vacuum and clean house, she can make herself a sandwich for dinner on those days you aren't there.
Change your approach and instead compliment her on what she is doing successfully, helping her to reinforce the perception she needs to keep as she slides into old age.
Let her still be proud of herself, dictator or not; it's something people need as they begin to lose their abilities. Reinforce her; don't criticize her.
You might even have a heart to heart talk with her, telling her that you were trying to help but it took awhile to realize she didn't need help in the areas that you thought she did. Close the discussion by offering to help when she needs help around the house with cleaning issues, but let her decide to ask you.
But watch her in terms of anything that could be hazardous, such as cleaning when there are trip hazards, going outside to get the mail when the road is slippery, etc.
You have to weigh and carefully choose your battles. With all that elders face, cleaning the sink isn't as high a priority as mobility, safety, cognition, nutrition, etc.
I get the impression she's very independent and intends to remain so, and unless that's something that can be changed, you might find it easier to just play to her tunes, unless of course they compromise you or her. I don't mean just accommodate her, I mean just back off a little bit and intervene only for the really important issues, such as the fact that she's not eating enough, which might change if you don't even mention it.
In some ways she reminds me of a stubborn child, who stomps her foot, folds her arms across her chest and scowls because she doesn't want to do what she's told. That could be one of her acclimations methods to aging.
Perhaps even a more sure way to let her know you understand is to say that you're so glad she's independent and can manage so well. Then sit down in a chair and relax!
Your mother came across as a bit of a dictator in what you wrote, Wendylou. If she is, it will wear you down to nothing in no time. The dictators work on our self esteem in the worst way. Let us know a bit more about your mother.