Mom is 86. She is at LEAST in the moderate stages of dementia, and she doesn't realize that she is completely dependent on me and other providers for every aspect of her care. She can't walk, but she believes she still can -- which can be frightening on nights when she tries to get out of her chair or bed by herself. I dress her, wash her, change her diaper, clean up her urine and feces, and I wait on her hand and foot all day. I transfer her from wheelchair to bed/recliner. If I didn't, she'd be a sitting duck. About the only thing she can do for herself is eat, drink, watch tv and read. She doesn't have a short term memory to speak of, and she has forgotten just about all of her old friend and relatives. Sometimes she doesn't recognize me. Most of the time when I try to talk with her, she can't keep a proper conversation anymore, saying things that are not relevant. She lives with me in my house, and I'm her 24/7 caregiver. But the main issue is this: She has hallucinations and delusions about me having men in the house at night for sex. The reality is that I haven't even dated since the 1990's, and I was never that type of person. At any rate, she calls me a whore and says that she sees men in my room when she goes by at night. She says she's going to go straight to hell for allowing me to have men over, and that I have to go to confession to save myself (we're Catholic). She has advanced to the point that sometimes she thinks that either "my boyfriend" or I am trying to kill her, and she gets scared in the night and cries. She says she doesn't trust me anymore, because I lie when I tell her that I have no man, and that there's nothing to fear. No one wants to hurt her. She's not always this way; there are some nights when she doesn't think like that. I'm sure its always simmering in her mind, but she "explodes" with anger, fear, hatred for me, when it all builds up. She said to me a few nights ago: "I'd kill you if I could." One night I was scared she was going to try to stab me as I went past her chair, but that was a long time ago, and in reality I know she wouldn't do it. Part of it is sundowning, I'm sure, because she acts very differently in the day. She is happy with our living situation by day, but by nightfall she wants to call the police on me or find someone to take her out of here so she can live with them. She says she wants to buy her childhood home and live there by herself, but she only has $2500 to her name. I want her to stay with me, but sometimes I feel like I'm making her suffer by living with me. She also accuses me of abusing her cat, which couldn't be farther from the truth. I know she wouldn't last long if she was in a nursing home -- once she realized she would never come home, her will to live would tank. I've experienced this in a small dose when she was hospitalized and thought she was in a nursing home. She began to wither in only a week and stopped eating.
I would absolutely take her to the doctor for an evaluations. Put a lock on your bedroom door at night and get a baby monitor so you can hear her. You can also get kits to retrofit your home so she can’t get out at night. Good luck! Keep us updated.
I'd be worried if my mom, also mid-stage, made death threats. If you feel you must keep your mom at home, I'd make sure anything she could use as a weapon was under lock and key. Granted, my mom hates me, has struck out and pinches me with a vengeance, but has yet to threaten to hurt me, other than in a legal sense. I wonder if your mom might do better than you think in an assisted living situation tailored to dementia patients?