We have guardianship over my mother. Of course, she constantly tries to say lies about me now to my wife. These statements hurt. I told you folks earlier that my mother had amassed $55,000 in debt - which I was able to settle btw. It's cleared up. She calls my wife in various stages of hostility, contriteness, friendliness. This time, she was friendly and wants my wife to take her shopping. She got my wife to agree, but then said that she (my mother) wracked up $55,000 in debt to purchase a house in my name - which is a lie. I'm trying very hard to let this stuff "roll off " and "detatch", but this time, it just sat wrong. I have asked my wife to remind my mother that if she hears lies about me or her finances, she (my wife) won't help her or interact with her. I said to my wife that I don't want to tell her what to do, but I really needed some defense here, and I don't think I got it. Any input?
Ugh, Alzheimer's -- my Mom's got it, too, and she tries my last nerve.
I understand why you'd want to withdraw from your Mom. (It has nothing to do with teaching her a lesson, but everything to do with saving your sanity/your marriage.) Whether it's for a short time or longer, it's up to YOU to decide how long to be away from her. And nobody should guilt you into seeing your Mom more often than you can bear.
Okay, so here's the thing: the one thing I'd do differently is NOT stand on the sidelines and tell my spouse what to say. It's really not fair to your wife. If you've got something to say to your Mom, then YOU need to say it. (I know, I know: It won't do any good, of course, because your Mom's brain is a sieve.) Or don't say anything at all. Just don't get upset with your wife for saying/not saying things to your Mom (especially if your wife's the one who seems to spend more time with your Mom on the phone and in person).
I hate Alzheimer's.
Here is the lie that blasted me. I walked in from church to where my husband was with his mother at her home. My husband said to me "we need you to clear up something that mom told me. Did my brother make a pass at you at dinner the other night?" It was the first time that we had seen his brother and wife in years. Personalities kept amicable family gatherings from happening. And MIL's saying that could have done permanent damage to the relationship. I merely could respond "not to my knowledge". I asked why she thought that. Apparently, FIL and MIL saw the brother talking to me and got that impression. She did apologize.
You and your wife need to keep your relationship solid and not let your mother's condition come between you.
I do NOT blame H for feeling hurt by his mother's false accusations. Of course he does, it is natural to feel hurt if we are slandered or misjudged. What is unreasonable is to blame her for her failure to understand, and to punish her for false accusations. What next? If she forgets her DIL's name, should the DIL refuse to talk to her until she makes the effort to remember it? If she becomes incontinent, should she be made to take cold baths until she learns to control her bowel movements?
H's mother has got it wrong, in a way that feels insulting and hurtful; but she has got it wrong because she has dementia. The truth of the financial situation should be explained to her patiently and repeatedly; and if that doesn't work then she needs to be diverted to a different subject. But to refuse to visit her, to ask his wife to stay away, will not correct his mother's misunderstanding. It is cruel and unreasonable to punish her for something she cannot help.
I'm in Canada as well so I don't know what to suggest except making sure you have legal and social services backing and stay away from her.
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