My stepfather has been doing his best to care for her. I’ve had to tear up carpet, throw out bedding, to no avail. Now the living room carpet is soiled and needs to come up. Mom refuses to wear depends. Every time I go there, I find more messes. Stepdad can’t bear the thought of her leaving to go to a memory care facility. Will in home helpers deal with daily messes of poop and pee? I’m told this behavior indicates last stages of dementia. Is that true? Very sad situation.
No caregiver will continue to clean up "poop and pee" if there is no attempt to remedy the problem. An occasional accident is understandable but not what you have described. .
Being incontinent is not the "last stages of dementia". (My husband was incontinent for about 4 years before he died. I know of no one that will put up with daily messes for 3, 4, or more years)
While I understand that your S-dad does not want to place mom in a facility what you are describing is not safe nor healthy for either of them and your s.dad does not sound like he can keep up. I think a tour of a few Memory Care facilities might help him realize that they are not like the old "nursing homes" he sees in the movies.
to him about possible solutions like a memory care facility. He admits he could use some help, but wells
up with tears at the thought of her not being at home with him. He is a saint, but somethings got
to give. All the bedding needs replaced again. His car would make you vomit due to the smell of the passenger seat. He seems oblivious to some of it. He doesn’t readily admit she has dementia. He will no longer call the fire dept when she falls because the last time (she’s fallen twice this past year) he heard one of the paramedics mention Alzheimer’s. That made him fearful; thinking they would take her to a nursing home facility against their will. I know more help is needed but fear of wiping them out financially worries me as well.
This is of limited duration. You will get the call. Mom will take a fall, and/or some other catastrophy and at that point perhaps Dad will be in less denial.
I think that overall a lot of this is dependent on their ability to pay for incoming help.
I so wish you good luck. There's just no answers for so much of this and there is just no happiness in it. It is all about endurance. I'm sorry.