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My stepfather has been doing his best to care for her. I’ve had to tear up carpet, throw out bedding, to no avail. Now the living room carpet is soiled and needs to come up. Mom refuses to wear depends. Every time I go there, I find more messes. Stepdad can’t bear the thought of her leaving to go to a memory care facility. Will in home helpers deal with daily messes of poop and pee? I’m told this behavior indicates last stages of dementia. Is that true? Very sad situation.

You remove ALL her underwear and replace the underwear with Pull up incontinence briefs. Doing this she has no option but to wear the incontinence underwear or go "commando"
No caregiver will continue to clean up "poop and pee" if there is no attempt to remedy the problem. An occasional accident is understandable but not what you have described. .
Being incontinent is not the "last stages of dementia". (My husband was incontinent for about 4 years before he died. I know of no one that will put up with daily messes for 3, 4, or more years)

While I understand that your S-dad does not want to place mom in a facility what you are describing is not safe nor healthy for either of them and your s.dad does not sound like he can keep up. I think a tour of a few Memory Care facilities might help him realize that they are not like the old "nursing homes" he sees in the movies.
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Emc1026 Jan 24, 2025
I’m sorry for the loss of your husband. Agree with your suggestion. Mom only has access to Depends. They are supplied in her dresser where her underwear used to be and next to the toilet. She is stubborn about using them. My stepdad is aware that there are new facilities available; he can’t stand the thought of being away from her; as if he has failed her if she goes to MC. I also know that he can’t keep this up for another 3-4 years. I’m willing to help him find some in home help. Agree, who will tolerate the daily toileting mishaps. I don’t think she’s even aware that she’s going in her pants. An MC facility would be best. Step dad is her decision maker.
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Mom is 84; stepdad is 82. He’s been so patient and trying his best. She is defiant and stubborn most days. I don’t live close (about 50 minutes away) and have a demanding job. I always encourage him to call for any reason as I’m his only support. This week’s call was that he needed help dealing with her, she refused to get up from the couch to eat, go to the bathroom; etc. I talked
to him about possible solutions like a memory care facility. He admits he could use some help, but wells
up with tears at the thought of her not being at home with him. He is a saint, but somethings got
to give. All the bedding needs replaced again. His car would make you vomit due to the smell of the passenger seat. He seems oblivious to some of it. He doesn’t readily admit she has dementia. He will no longer call the fire dept when she falls because the last time (she’s fallen twice this past year) he heard one of the paramedics mention Alzheimer’s. That made him fearful; thinking they would take her to a nursing home facility against their will. I know more help is needed but fear of wiping them out financially worries me as well.
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Your Mom is in the middle to late stages now. This won't get better. It will get worse. And I don't know how old or how well Dad is, but your mom has reached the stage where she needs several shifts of caregivers ongoing with several workers on each shift. I am sorry to say that as long as dad is competent, and is refusing and in denial, there is little you can do. The bedding needs to be waterproof, there needs to be a really good solid washing machine and dryer, and yes, caregivers to come and help with laundry, housework, meals to the best of ability to his paying. There needs to be waterproof things sewn for all couches and chairs. The carpeting gets removed.

This is of limited duration. You will get the call. Mom will take a fall, and/or some other catastrophy and at that point perhaps Dad will be in less denial.
I think that overall a lot of this is dependent on their ability to pay for incoming help.

I so wish you good luck. There's just no answers for so much of this and there is just no happiness in it. It is all about endurance. I'm sorry.
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Emc1026 Jan 24, 2025
Alvadeer, I’m new to this forum and realized I responded to you; but as a post in this thread below. I thank you for your advice and for taking the time to offer insight:)
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