She has thrown things, accused staff of abuse and hates me, her daughter, for putting her there. My mom, 92, fell and was placed in the hospital for 5 days. she had fractured her back, which is in bad shape and has been for years, had kyphoplasty and then released to a occupational therapy facility. She was there 2 weeks. The doctor and nurses would say one day she could go home, the next day they would say no, she needs to go to ALF or home with someone to care for her. Backed into a corner, mom was placed in an ALF that did not fit her at all. I recently moved her to a ALF home with 5 other ladies. Mom has sundowner and dementia. Thought this place would help her since she would be surrounded by people all day. She hates it there and cries for me to take her out of there. She thinks they are holding her as prisoner. she calls all the other ladies stupid and disrupts the day with her lashing out. She also lashes out on me and tells me to take her out and shoot her in the head. I am a bad daughter or she is a bad mother to bring up 6 children and no one will take her in. I have seriously considered taking her in but fear of a mistake. This would be her 3rd move. Each time, I have to pay movers to help and both facilities have requested a non refundable security deposit of $1500. This is getting out of hand and cannot afford to make the mistake of moving mom only to find out this will not work. I don't know what to do and I am reaching out to others for help. FYI - If mom moved in with me I need to add a stair lift and a few grab bars. I would have hospice come in when that time was needed. Also looking at a Elder Care place for mom to stay at during the day so she could be around people her age and to give me a break. As far as siblings go, they are not much help. All but one live far away. The one close by goes on so many vacations I rarely see him. So I am out her dangly and going mad! Please help
But since she has to live in her body no matter where it resides, I don't expect that she will settle down once she is in a suitable home. The anger and distress will still be there. For this reason I'd caution you against bringing her into your home, unless you could also arrange for her to be 65 again.
This is so sad. It isn't your mother's fault. Continue to love her and do what you can for her. Get her medical help. Just try not to make sacrifices that will cost you dearly and won't really solve her problems anyway.
I heartily endorse what Babalou and JessieBelle have said.
And please keep in touch here. We care!
You are a wonderful daughter. I can tell that from all that you have done for her. The geriatric psychiatrist is a very good starting point. There could be some medications that help calm the anger she is feeling inside. Something else I wondered is how often you're visiting. If you're visiting a lot, you may want to try to cut back on it to help your mother adjust to her new home. You can call to see how things are going.
I do like Babalou's idea of short-term inpatient care to stabilize her on medications. It may make life more enjoyable for everyone if they can find the right balance. I know you're probably feeling like you're doing things wrong, but you're doing everything right. I do believe you would regret it if you moved her into your home with her being so angry.
If you get a chance, google some of the Teepa Snow videos. There are a few on how to deal with anger in people with dementia. Her calming methods are very natural and helpful, IMO.
This might be the best placement short term if she is resisting meds.
This is so very hard.