My mother is 93, has COPD and on OX 24 hrs a day, legally blind, heart failure plus many other issues. She insists she is fine after breaking a hip. She wants to live alone in a 6 rm house with three floors. All she does is fight me. She is very passive aggressive and tells me she doesn’t need me. Her doctor has told her if she were to go home she would need constant care. All she hears is “if you go home.” She says they all overreact and she’ll be fine. She is driving me crazy. She is very stubborn and will listen to one one. My brother has been a great help but he now just leaves. She doesn’t approach him anymore about it. I am beside myself with worry. She is getting very forgetful and mean and combative. I’m sure it’s frustration. Why can’t she accept life as it is now?
I suggest you pull back gradually. She’s in a good place with good staff. No need for you to hover and try to convince her life is good. It’s as good as it can get at this point.
I'm so sorry that you are facing this very painful situation.
As for your Mom being mean and combative, have her tested for a possible urinary tract infection, as in the elderly those are the symptoms.
I feel your pain. My mother had coping problems too. She attacked me when I visited for the first time after putting her in memory care.
With all the illnesses your mother has, how could SHE possibly orchestrate a move on her own? She can't see, she can't pack or lift anything, so HOW would she get out of there?
The answer to YOUR problem with her is to follow your brothers lead and "just leave". She can't approach you and fight with you if you're not there.
Stay strong and don't buy into her desires. Refuse to listen or talk about her moving. "Sorry Mom, I can't help you with that." Be a broken record. Say it over and over again if you have to. She'll get the idea. If she doesn't stop-leave.
Talk to her doctor privately and tell him about the situation. Ask him to tell her that she can't live in her home anymore.
Good luck.
It’s just the way it goes at this stage. I just keep reminding myself of the horrible conditions my parents were subjecting themselves in their home.
It’s funny......
They weren’t happy at home, filthy, no food, mom falling, dad not knowing if it was xmas or time for lunch, totally isolated, just on the very edge......
Now......Clean clothes, clean bedding, meds, three meals a day, laundry done, room cleaned, eating in a fancy dining room, activities, around people all day, bathing regularly......
But not happy....Wannabe home dammit!! How could you do this to us?!
I know how hard it is when a parent fights you. My mom was really very positive, but every time I tried to get her to do something different for her own good, she'd fight me. I can clearly remember one night just crying my eyes out on the way home from seeing her because I was SO exhausted from her fighting me. She knew I was trying to do what was right for her, but she'd STILL fight me. It's enough to drive you to drink!
If she can't really get herself out of Assisted Living, you have two options that I would see. One would be to handle her just like your brother does. When she starts in about going home talk, ask her to stop. If she persists, leave. Every time she starts up, do the same thing. Or you could set some kind of "condition" that she'll never be able to make, like when your COPD is better and you're off oxygen, we can talk about going home.
Hugs, it's not easy!
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