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I have cared for my Mom at home w/help for the last 3 years. She has severe osteoporosis, broken hip, broken neck, broken back vertebrae, had salivary cancer twice, gastric problems ( bezoars, 1/2 her stomach removed for bleeding ulcers), and last June suffered a heart attack and stroke. I cared for her until she had was hospitalized in January for internal bleeding. Upon discharge, she was very weak, 100% wheelchair bound and a two person assist for lifting, transfer, etc. I was going to bring her home w/ extra care, but her PCP, the care facility, etc. recommended PT/OT, etc. to try to get her to a one-person assist.
I have mom in a very caring, wonderful assisted living, skilled nursing facility with a private room. on-site medical care, etc. She receives therapy 5x a week - usually 2x a day. She loves the therapists and most of her caregivers - no complaints there. They take wonderful care of her and communicate with me multiple times a day. Problem ? Deep down, I know she would prefer to be home. However, when I talk to her about coming home ( she is still a 2 person assist -though some progress, it is unlikely that will change now..)she declines, says she is used to the therapists, the routine, and she needs a lot more care than before her hospitalization - way over my capabilities. Emotionally, I feel terrible - like I let her down -and she belongs home at this end stage of her life. However, medically she needs a lot of monitoring, personal care , and medication ...as well as the physical moving. lifting issues. I work full time ( no financial option), so would care for her evenings/weekends, and have help during the day. I want her to come homel she says "no" 0 at least until therapy ends...Please - advice?

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Good for mom! We usually hear about an opposite problem. Folks that want to be at home and know in their hearts that they need more care than can be provided at home. And she sounds comfortable and wants for you to live your life, as it should be. Leave her be and make her proud of your accomplishments that is what she wants for you.
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Leave her there. Unless you want to quit your job to stay home 24/7 to take care of her. Your “evenings & weekends” would become 24/7 7 days a week. Then what happens when home aides don’t show up? You’re lucky she knows she’s in a good place. You want to change adult diapers at 3 am? I don’t think so. Please leave her there. Don’t make mistake of taking her home.
Hugs 🤗
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You have no reason to feel guilty. We make ourselves feel guilt because we let our emotions tell us if we love some one we should do this or be this way or that way, but that really isn't true in these circumstances. You love your mom very much and your mom loves you and that is why she is telling you not to bring her home.

As one poster here stated "your mom is giving you a great gift, which many of us wish we had. You are caring for your mom and it sounds like she is in a great facility. Just be her daughter and keep loving her and there is no need to sacrifice your physical and emotional well being. She doesn't want that for you. You are being a loving and responsible daughter.
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Thank you so much everyone. I put my mom first when I cared for her the last 3 years - even lost my job/pension. etc. to care for her as she was my #1 priority. i helped care for my Dad when he was suffering from colon cancer 5 years ago, and I promised his I would always take care of her. I visited her every day in the hospitals, was her care coordinator , advocate and cheerleader - always fighting to get her in the best hospitals, the best rehabs, staying on the doctors/nurses/caregivers to assure she was healing, safe, etc...so no guilt there.
She had told me before she wanted to die at home - and though she is in decline, she is in an in-between place of severe physical decline. I want to do whatever she wants - and that is why the struggle - because even though now she says she does not want to come home because of the level of care, etc. (she is doing that for ME, I am sure), deep down, I know in her heart she'd rather be here with me and her belongings and the shrine to my Dad she created in her room. I guess I let her continue therapy at this point because it motivates her, and three will come a time when I know she will say to bring her home if she chooses to be here at the end of her life. THANK YOU SO MUCH everyone --what a wonderful, compassionate, caring group you all are. GOD BLESS EACH AND EVERYONE of you -
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worriedinCali May 2020
Laura when you promised your dad you would take care of your mom, it wasn’t a promise to do all of the hands on caregiving yourself. It also wasn’t a decision to sacrifice your life & livelihood so that your mom could get what she wants. Your mother may be in a care facility but you are still taking care of her! You are overseeing & managing her care. You alone cannot prove ALL of the care she needs but because of you, she IS receiving everything she needs from a village of people. And YOU are the head of that village. So you’ve kept your promise to your dad.
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Listen to your Mom. She is giving you a gift many on this site would be so grateful to receive. She is accepting her situation for what it is and making it good. She is giving you the opportunity to be her daughter and biggest cheerleader without the all the care that would wear you down and rob you of the time to just enjoy her. Accept her gift, and allow her to do this for you. That is what true Moms do God bless you and your Mom.
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Leave her where she is. You'd be a broken mess in a month.

Our own guilt gets to us, and we often have to take a giant step back and think about what is best for our LO.

Esp right now, you would not be able to get the aides you'd need.
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I agree. You should not feel guilt. You can not handle it yourself, too much stress.
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Be glad that Mom realizes her limitations and probably also realizes that her health is now too much for one person to handle. There are members on this forum whose parents won't admit their limitations and the members are just waiting for a disaster where they can take control and place their LOs in a safe place.

You have been given a gift. You get to enjoy Mom in her later years without the stress of Caregiving.
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She has told you herself that she has no desire to return to your home and you admit that her care is way beyond you, I think you already know the answer.

There are a lot of compromises involved in caring for our frail loved ones, there were many personalized little things I could provide for my mother in our home that were not available to her in a congregate setting, but there were also may things in the nursing home that were much superior to what I could have possibly provided at home - lifts, entertainment, a beautiful spa tub for baths and the availability of two people who could care for her physical needs better than one ever could. It can never be perfect and there will always be sorrow and second guessing, that's why they say aging (and dying) isn't for sissies.
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I'm going to assume that you took good care of her at home and that you didn't cause the serious osteoporosis, gastric issues, heart attack or stroke.

Those are the issues that dictate where she needs to reside. Not your abilities.

Please be the best advocate for your mom and be happy for her peace of mind and spirit.

It would be an act of the opposite of love to bring her home
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Two person assist. So unless you have two aides during day and an extra to help you when you are there, you will be decreasing the level of care and run risk of injury to your mother, aide or yourself. Yes, no one I’ve known would rather be in a nursing home than in their own home. But the cold equations say that it’s better for all: your mother, you and aides. Don’t let false guilt hurt you or anyone else.
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Leave her where she is as it certainly sounds better for her. You have to deal with your feelings and put her needs first. Try counseling for yourself.
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