Mother had a hip replacement in March (?) around then--spent 8 weeks in rehab then came home (lives in an apt with my brother's family). For the last 8 weeks or so, she has been falling, the last 2 weeks, she has fallen every single day. She has a "fallen down" alarm pendant, but it rarely works as she really just blacks out and slumps to the floor, so the alarm does not go off. She is too weak to push the panic button on her own. Last week she laid on the floor from 11 pm to 5:45 am when she regained her ability to push the alarm. She also loses bladder control when she has these episodes, and her ability to speak for a length of time. She's covered in bruises, but can't tell you how she got them. She falls only between 10 pm and 6 am...never during the day. Out of 5 siblings, only 2 of us really take care of her. I went yesterday with my hubby and we put in a bed guard rail--but she wouldn't let us install it the "correct way" because it would have meant moving a little side table she has..she completely flipped out when I showed her that to install it correctly we'd need to move this table--screamed at me and said "You have taken everything from me...I'm keeping that table"...I know at that point to walk away.
Realistically, even is she is having mini-strokes, there is nothing we can do. She is able to take care of herself.....barely. I go there 3-5 times per week, and do what I can, but I make her angry, so I usually don't stay long. She says very hurtful things to me, and yes, I know I am supposed to let the comments roll off my back, but they still hurt. I guess I am wondering if this passing out and falling down is leading to a bigger stroke, or if this is a normal part of aging. (She's 85). I don't know how my brother handles it-- she will happily use up every minute of every day he is off work, when I can step up and do some of this for her--she won't let me, b/c she doesn't like me as well. We cannot get the other sibs involved, they just don't want to be. I guess I'm just venting, but I do want to know if this blacking out and falling is something to be concerned about...or if it's just more of the aging process. Sure wish she could be nice to me.....when she passes I am going to be so exhausted and sick of her unkindness...I don't think I will even care--and I know how awful that sounds.....she can say the cruelest things to me, and I am still trying to learn how to let it go. I'm trying to clear her apt of obstructions and falling hazards and she's screaming at me that I am trying to take all her things away from her (a ratty kitchen rug, a bedskirt that trips her up, a bag of wet depends she leaves in the hallway....) I don't get her at all. I REALLY wanted to move her to AL but the other sibs all said NO WAY--well, THEY don't care for her, so it's easy for them to say. They have not seen her the day after a fall when she is incoherent and covered in fresh bruises. Just wonder how long this can go on.
I'm out of the loop for the week unless she has a fall that is serious, I have some personal problems I need to work on, and I'm taking the week to deal with them. Still appreciate the comments and support.
I ran into this during the past 5 years... I noticed if I order pills and they came from XYZ manufacturer I had no issues.... if the pills came from ABC manufacturer I ran into non-user friendly side effects.
I'm a bit surprised about the general anaesthesia, too. When my mother broke her wrist nastily there was pretty much a stand-up punch-up going on behind the cubicle curtain in the ER, then a terribly young anaesthetist appeared, pink and quivering with indignation, and blurted out without preamble "I have to tell you that IN my opinion to give your mother a general anaesthetic would be tantamount to negligence!" He was straight out Charles Dickens. I just gazed at him and said "well I'm not arguing." It transpired that the orthopaedic surgeons didn't fancy trying to set the wrist with mother wide awake - open fracture, delicate sweet little old lady, you could see what they were thinking - and had tried to bully this poor little lad into knocking her out for them. Anyway, bless him, he stuck to his guns, they did a Biers block on her arm, she was a total trouper about the whole ghastly thing, and the surgeon got the wrist debrided, set, pinned, sutured and plastered in one hour and made a beautiful job of it too. So for us a very happy ending - though it still took six more months to get back to nearly normal, mind you.
However. If it had been her hip… She couldn't have had an epidural. They couldn't do a spinal block because she's on Clopidogrel. The choice, I suppose, would be between a general or bed rest for a fortnight until her platelets had got back to normal, neither of them a good bet. I really don't know what they would have advised.
Do you think part of the problem might be that your mother is becoming afraid of falling? In the immediate term that's quite a good thing, because it'll make her cautious, but obviously it's no good at all in the longer term, not for her health nor her confidence and quality of life. Poor lady. It must be depressing and frightening for her, as well as terribly stressful for you.
Love ( well, as much as you can "love" something like that--the story of the anes. dr who wouldn't do a general.) My DIL has and will refuse patients on whatever concerns she has. She is a terrific doc and has not lost a single patient in 8 years.
I honestly do NOT think it's the meds. I get what everyone is saying. My gut feeling is that she is in the slow process of dying, following the exact same pattern of behaviors that her mother took as she went. Gigi was pretty independent, had a bad fall and broke both wrists. 6 weeks later, she's gone. She was 95 and a vibrant, active woman until that fall. Mother has not had good health, ever that I can remember. She falls and has no memory of how she got from, say the chair to the floor. She weaseled out of one dr's visit, she'll do it again if given half a chance. R did have her checked for a UTI--none found. The dr will check her more thoroughly for med interactions and maybe get a CT scan. As bad as I feel that she is continually falling, I know that sometimes people just go when it's time. I'm not going to strap her into a wheelchair, I can't be there 24/7 she refuses the idea of assisted living, she's got that "panic button"--and she gets checked on constantly at R's house. What else can we do? I have no idea if mom is afraid of falling, sometimes I think she makes it up so the absent sibs will come running with flowers and candy. Don't know. And this week, I don't have to care. I'm in time out (unless she winds up in the hospital, I don't need to even call her or go see her).
YOU get it! I appreciate the many comments about possible UTI's, drug interractions, etc. but a child knows her mother. She is in the slow process of doing just that. I accept that. I'm ok with it. I feel for the "off board" sibs who don't call or visit and just assume as long as she 's not in the hospital, she must be fine. I have zero power and cannot force her into a facility. I can barely talk to her now...she is mad at me all the time, thinking I am colluding against her. My oldest sister, just today said "I don't want you to call me if all you want to do is talk about mother. I can't deal with it. I don't care". Well, at least she's honest.
I appreciate your comments about my giving my all and then some. I will not let her suffer and once she has passed into Hospice care, I will support my brother. I have no bad feelings about my relationship with Mother, other than I wish she had liked me more. I know my youngest sister is going to fall to pieces, but we'll deal with that when it happens. I'm slowly growing a thicker skin. Hugs right back atya!
I did not understand why some of my mom's medical care was so rudimentary and laid back, but now I get it, believe me...there is sort of a don't rock the boat approach that really does not fight so hard against deterioration. I didn't really agree with that, and once I was more in charge, I knew I wanted my mom to have the best care to maximize her well being and hopefully length of life, but well-being first, and willing to limit care that was going to be very burdensome for her...I fussed until I got more of it and mostly it was good, but there were risks and side effects at times too. When you are making these decisions there are always the non-medical side of things to think through too - what if having some treatment takes you away from family or disrupts relationships to the point it is more stress and less joy. Not easy. Almost any decision you make can leave you wondering if the other would have been better, but you can know that you thought it through and did the right thing in your own heart based on what you knew at the time. I think I am still making peace with mine...
Her assessment of you is not nearly as important as your own. You know in your heart when you have done right or wrong. God gave us that ability and you have used yours wisely. Now....Enjoy your time in respite!!
I am concerned because she indicated that she "blacks out" sometimes when she falls, sometimes for hours apparently. I hate to ask this, but does she drink? Also, how old is she? What meds is she on? Does she have more than one doctor prescribing? The falling can be TIAs, low blood pressure, an inner-ear thing, a drug interaction - any number of things.
Do you have her permission to talk to her doctors? If so, I would definitely call her doc and let them know about the falling. Another thought - although she will hate this mightily - is the next time she tells you she blacked out and fell, you call 911 and have her taken to the emergency room to be tested for a stroke, or a series of strokes. I know my dad had a few TIAs that he didn't tell us about, but when he mentioned to his doc that he had these "weird spells" he was immediately tested for a stroke, and told that if it EVER happened again, he needed to call 911 immediately.
One last thought, and this comes from a long spell of caregiving with my parents, it may be that your mother resists the idea of the doc or going in to figure out what's causing the problem, because she's really ready to die, and would resist any efforts to treat whatever is wrong. She doesn't like falling, but maybe she doesn't really like living either. Although if she is young enough to have had a hip replaced in the past year, she isn't all that old. Which brings to mind another thought. Could this be caused by blood clots from back when she had the hip replaced? I know after joint replacement surgery you have to have injections of blood thinners to prevent clots, but after the three weeks of injections, nothing.
Mother is 85. She had a blackout fall the night before her hip replacement, which she didn't confess to until weeks after her surgery, when she wasn't doing well. The ortho doc said he NEVER would have done the surgery if he had known. That's all water under the bridge.
I am not allowed to go to her dr's appts. I am not 100% sure of all of her meds. Some she keeps out in the kitchen, some in the bathroom and some in the bedroom. I think only my brother knows all the meds she takes--and even then he barely found out she was sneaking pain pills at night, a huge no-no b/c of the falling.
If it WERE up to me she would have been in the ER and tested for all the things that have been mentioned. It is NOT up to me. I have come to realize that I do not have a voice in her care, beyond cleaning her place and random errands. I went once last week to get her a prescription and it was a controlled substance, tho I did not recognize the name of the drug-she had about 7-8 scrips waiting to be picked up and she specifically told me not to get anything for her but the pain meds.
I know this sounds like I don't care, but I have to preserve my sense of well bring too. I can't barge into her life and demand that she tell me everything. I am done trying to figure out why she does what she does. I think she wants to die, honestly, and I also think if she saw her dr she'd just lie to him.
I don't have permission to talk to her drs and I don't try. She has my brother do it. I don't see the meds she takes, but I know she has about 15-18 she takes daily. She doesn't WANT me in her life and I will respect that. Hard as it is to take the rejection, she is happiest when she can all the shots. I don't think she has fallen this week, wouldn't know unless she winds up in the hospital. I do appreciate all the thoughts and concerns for her. You all have been wonderful.
Oh, how I have enjoyed this week off from her! My stress levels are low and even tho hubby is kind of sick right now, I can deal with him. He'll be out of town for the next 2 weeks and I plan to do whatever I want ( I am looking down the barrel of some really nasty back surgery come mid-Jan and so I plan to play all during Dec with the grands and some friends.) Mother seems stable. I don't think she's fallen, don't really "care" (you know I really do) but not getting those stupid alert calls has made it much more peaceful. I will spell my brother next week and clean for mother, but I do feel refreshed from not having constant worry.
Oh, Mother had an appt with her dr last week and she "forgot" to remind my brother of it. I was actually AT her place, she was dressed to go out, and I commented that she looked nice & asked if she was going somewhere. No answer. I could most assuredly have taken her to the appt, but she waited until I was gone and the possibility of getting to the dr's was gone and she went and found my brother and "told him" they'd missed the appt. She doesn't have another "scheduled" one until April and that is her YEARLY physical. She is very controlling, with all us kids, pits us against each other--this is a dynamic that's 63 years old, so it's not going to change.
I so try to talk to my other sibs, tried to get an "all hands on board" mtg and no one would come. Not one. Well--the brother with the POA said 'maybe' and then changed that to 'not interested'.
Mother DOES use a walker--all day. She is so frail after her hip surgery, she really cannot even move w/o it. She wanted to use a cane and the one day she did, she had the only fall that landed her in the hospital with 28 stitches in her forehead. She has since used the walker. Altho I am pretty sure than the times she's fallen at home she has not been using it.
I have come to terms with the lack of concern on my sibs' parts. I will do what I can to help my brother and his family. I feel sorriest for my sis-in-law who has to deal with mother. Now Mother is incontinent and in diapers all day, she just takes the soiled/wet ones off and puts them in a bag outside the door of her apt. They are very powerful smelling--as you can imagine, and since no one is home much of the day, well--the whole house smells like urine. I will always clean out mother's trash and will always make sure there are no soiled diapers..but still..it's gross. Mother either cannot smell them or loves the attention she gets from it all. Another problem that will require some solving. There are teenagers living in the house and while they are amazing with mother, having friends over to their home has become a challenge. I'm done with my week of respite..tomorrow I see my back surgeon for a "chit chat" and then to mother's to clean. Ah well! Thanks for your comments--it is what it is,right?