Mom is in AL and feels trapped in her room because another resident keeps following her around. How should I handle this?

Question

Mom is in AL and feels trapped in her room because another resident keeps following her around. How should I handle this?

Follow

Share

Mom is temporarily in AL following a hospital stay. She has to keep her door shut to keep out a resident who keeps coming in. The resident also follows her around everytime she comes out of her room.

As far as I can tell, the resident is fine physically, but has some kind of mental issue. I think it's IQ related, but I'm not sure. Mom keeps saying that "his kind" should be in a different kind of facility. I don't know what she means and she won't tell me.

Mom is mentally alert but tends to be anxious. This is freaking her out and she won't let me say anything to the staff. Can they even do anything about it anyway?

How should I handle this? Soon Mom will need to be in AL full time (frequent falls), but if we can't get this guy to leave her alone, she won't stay.

Anxiety Assisted Living Care Decisions

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.

18 Answers

Most
Helpful Newest
First Oldest
First

Of course the staff needs to be aware of any situation that makes living there uncomfortable. I needed 6 weeks of AL care after a surgery for rehab. My roommate was a young woman who cried all the time. My son assisted me by moving me to another room. This was wonderful and didn't require proving my reality. He did let the staff know of my concerns in hopes that another person just like me didn't end up in my old room. I'm surprised by the number of responses suggesting that your mom's version of things needed to be verified. This goes without saying, but some responders appear to be assuming that the first thing needed was checking her mother out. I spent a month in another facility following a broken ankle in the worst pain I'd ever had. No one - from aides to physicians - believed me. Having had broken bones in the past, I knew that I was discharged from the hospital before the break was truly fixed. When I was went to the doctor's appointment a month later, an xray proved that the fracture was worsened because it was not properly fixed in the first place. Surgery was done and following that I had little pain and was able to complete rehab. I'm 81, mostly "with it," but I discovered how easily misjudged we elderly can be.

Helpful Answer (10)

Report

I agree with with you. My mom had a sprained ankle and the ER doctor said there was nothing wrong he had seen it before and she was dying. Took her to the foot & ankle doctor and she had a sprain. Lived another 5 years. Al/rehab said mom had hang foot when they released her. Turned out she had a hairline fracture from them pushing the rehab too quickly to get her out. Mom was just in her 90’s both times.

(3)

Report

See 1 more reply

I think I know what your mother means when referring to the person following her around as "his kind". I think you know too.
We live in such times where people get attacked for speaking plainly even if they have no malicious intent at all.
"His kind" to your mother likely means retarded or mentally ill. Is the person following her around young or old? This makes all the difference.
Your mother is totally freaked out. Who wouldn't be? I certainly would.
You speak to the administration of this place right away. Even if your mom doesn't want you to. Demand that this person stalking your elderly mother be kept away from her. If they refuse to do anything about it and brush your concerns aside which so often happens, go to the police and seek a restraining order. Stalking is a crime and is considered one even of the stalker is "special needs" or mentally ill. If the cops show up, the administration at the AL will do take care of the problem.

Helpful Answer (8)

Report

Bravo but first be sure this is reality and not a delusion. If no one sees it, maybe it isn't happening.

(1)

Report

See 1 more reply

It does work, my LO's only friend in their SNF was moved to a secure ward because they kept going into people's rooms and would shadow others triesly. Towards the tail end they would only shadow my LO, but by then it was too late. They already amassed a plethora of reports and complaints from other resident and family members. It will take time but administration will eventually get on it.

Helpful Answer (6)

Report

The staff may not be aware of this particular issue — they may even think your Mom and this other resident are friends! — so please highlight it and let them know he is bothering her. They will redirect him, etc. if they know it is an issue.

Helpful Answer (6)

Report

Talk to the administration about your mother's concerns. Nobody should come into her room without her permission. If she feels uncomfortable with a person following her around all day, something should and can be done to divert his attention away from her.

Helpful Answer (6)

Report

Definitely tell the staff, but explain that they not tell your mother that you did. They should be able to handle that. First, they can say they noticed it. Then control it.

Helpful Answer (6)

Report

When my mother lived in Memory Care Assisted Living, she always managed to have an issue of some kind with another resident. One in particular named Denny who was very advanced with his dementia and who she hated with every ounce of her being. She called him all sorts of derogatory names and had zero tolerance for him 'following her around' in spite of the fact that Denny was harmless. If he knocked on her door, God forbid, she'd call me screaming bloody murder, literally, that he was making her sooooooooo nervous that she could not function. She'd even make up wild stories that Denny 'punched caregivers in the stomach b/c he was vicious' which was a bald faced LIE.

I contacted the Executive Director of the Memory Care and we had a chat. I told her that mom was seriously worked up over Denny, and asked what we could do about it? I wanted Denny to stop knocking on mom's door entirely. So the ED tried a few things to deter him from approaching mom's door; they didn't work. He was still 'bothering' mom by knocking on her door. So the ED tried pulling a large leather chair in front of mom's door to the point that Denny could not get his wheelchair close enough to mom's door to knock on it. Problem solved. He soon lost interest entirely in my mother and moved on.

If your mother is complaining to you, then you need to contact the administration who can help you, regardless if mom 'doesn't want you to'. I had to listen to that nonsense myself! Mother, if you do not want me to get involved with your issues, then stop telling me what your issues are! Otherwise, I'M GETTING INVOLVED. Period.

My motto is this: all problems CAN be fixed; you just have to talk to the right person and then be persistent. PROVIDING what your mom is telling you is true. So the first course of action is to FACT CHECK. My mother was prone to 'exaggeration', let's call it.........so my first line was to fact check everything she said before I did ANYTHING! LOL. Keep that in mind as you get involved with managed care and elderly mothers in general, esp if there's dementia or cognitive impairment involved, or if your mother is prone to 'exaggeration' like mine was.

Wishing you the best of luck!

Helpful Answer (5)

Report

This happened to my mom, in memory care. The facility accepted a woman who needed MUCH more care than they could offer. The woman insisted that my mom's room was hers, that photos of me on mom's dresser were actually pictures of her, and that my mom's stuffed things were hers as well. She would take my mom's things, she would wander into mom's room whenever she wanted, get on mom's bed, and finally she hit me. Yes folks, this little lady was out of her mind.

The facility was aware. They changed the lock to mom's room. They put the new key on a ribbon around mom's neck and of course, all the staff had mom's new key. That was helpful as mom was still somewhat lucid. In short order though, this woman became a major problem and her family was forced to hire an individual caregiver to be with her all the time, And finally, the facility had the woman removed.

Watching an adult holding a picture of you, insisting the photograph is of them, is a very strange experience. I also have to share about the day I was there and the woman threw herself on to the ground because, in her exact words, "they were having f*cking pizza for lunch". Wow!

Helpful Answer (5)

Report

First, you are going to need to make an issue of this with the administration. My brother was quite with it when in ALF and his cottage had several instances where people were placed who actually required memory care. They had a council that met weekly for each cottage, and they had to go en masse to the administration. They were told that the caregivers had already reported there were issues in these cases, and that they were being expected to care for people who required a higher level of care; they were told that the ALF which had a memory care as part of the facility was trying to work with MDs and with family to keep their senior in ALF as the family would otherwise have to move this person to a nursing home as they could not afford the ALF MC facility.
So they did say this happens often, that they will try to work with seniors and family. However, if this is not working then they do (and did in these cases) address the issue. That won't happen without YOUR input.
Speak to the caregivers in your facility. Tell them that you think that this poor woman is in need of higher level of memory care, and that they must be overwhelmed with attempting care of her with their staffing.Ask to speak to administration. Be calm an cooperative but let them know that they have a person who is disruptive to the norm of care level expected in ALF. Tell them you understand some of these issues, but that your Mother is being very disturbed and you might actually have to move her, something you don't wish to do.
Your Mom doesn't wish to speak to staff, but this isn't really her choice. This is an issue that MUST be addressed, not just for your Mom but for all involved. If you don't wish to speak with staff first, and if Mom would be disturbed, call and make an appt with the admin.
Best of luck and hope you'll update us.

Helpful Answer (4)

Report

I would start by verifying that this is a true account of what is happening. Does the resident do this when you are visiting? Often when our LOs begin to have mild cognitive issues, they don't get their stories straight or interpret occurrences accurately. For example, when my MIL when into temp. rehab after a minor fall, she was telling me that at night the staff was having "cat fights" outside her door "every night". She could have been sundowning. Not sure what she was hearing but this was a tiny facility with a single corridor and she may have been hearing another patient's tv. She shared a room and no complaint from the other roommate.

If your mother's story can be verified by other resident or by the staff, then admin needs to deal with this.

Mom is in AL and feels trapped in her room because another resident keeps following her around. How should I handle this?

18 Answers

Recent Questions

Popular Questions

Related Questions