My 97 year old mother was recently diagnosed with moderate dementia and is now in a skilled nursing facility, which causes her a great deal of angst. She constantly talks about going home. But that’s not the issue, just gives you an idea of her psyche. She also frequently believes that I am dead. I see her every other day (the SNF is 45 minutes away from me), yet often enough on the days that I am NOT there, I get a call from nursing because Mom is just inconsolable because she believes that I am dead, that someone is bringing caskets to her, etc. Talking to me on the phone is not good enough, I can tell her facts that nobody else could possibly know, and she’ll respond, “Anyone could find that out! You’re an imposter!” She has asked me to drop what I’m doing and drive there so she can see me in person, which I have refused to do, telling her I’ll see her the next morning.
So, the problem is, my husband and I planned a 2-week trip to Europe a year ago, before any of these current issues. The trip is coming up quickly, and I am just at a loss as to what to tell her. Do I tell her I’m going on vacation for 2 weeks and won’t be able to visit? Do I tell her I’m going to Europe (which could cause her to worry more) or tell her that I’m going a couple of states away (which could lead to frequent phone calls)? I want her to worry as little as possible, although I may be fooling myself on that one because she will probably worry equally no matter where she thinks I am. I’m purchasing the full international cell phone service because I’m expecting phone calls at all hours from the nursing staff asking me to talk to Mom and assure her I’m ok. Maybe I should put a sign on her bulletin board that says, “Louise is on vacation from X until X (dates),” although I didn’t really want to tell her that I’ll be away for two weeks because her sense of time is warped and if I don’t tell her I’m gone for 2 weeks, she may not realize it’s that long. But, on the other hand, she may think I’m gone forever.
I can’t cancel this trip. My husband would not forgive me. I cancelled a trip to Canada in July because my mother was melting down really badly (that was before she was in SNF), that was bad enough. Plus, we are traveling with a single friend, and I can’t leave her in the lurch, either. Oh, and I am the only child, so there is that. I have two daughters who will go see her on weekends, but they are both working with very limited time off available, I’m not asking them to take days off to go visit her during the week. I have friends of hers lined up to go visit, but it’s not the same ... she doesn’t obsess about THEM being dead.
I welcome all of your suggestions!
With a Dementia patient less is best. If you feel you need to tell Mom you will be away, just say you will not be able to see her because hubby is taking you away for a few days. You will see her when you come back. In the meantime, so and so will be there to visit. Not being aware of time anymore, she may not realize 2 weeks from 2 days. And I will bet, she will forget what you said by the next day. Wait to tell her the day before you leave and at the end of your visit. Have an aide near by if she gets upset. Like a child, don't elaborate. Kiss her on the cheek, give her a hug and leave. The aide will be there.
You and your husband need this. Mom is in a safe place being cared for. This trip is a once in a lifetime thing. Don't spoil it by worrying about Mom. Enjoy!
Please be open to medication suggestions. Your mother doesnt deserve to be in this kind of psychic pain.
Having said the foregoing, I believe your suggestions are excellent.
Your statement above basically says it all. It won't matter if it is 2 hours, 2 days, 2 weeks or 2 years - she has NO concept of time! I would not tell her anything about your planned trip AND you need to focus on your trip, not mom. She is in (hopefully) good hands. If she is stressing about your being MIA even an hour or a day after a visit, nothing will assuage that, so there is no point to telling her (she will forget it anyway) AND there is no point to you worrying about it either!
As for meds, they should not be so strong that they knock your mom out. Our mother periodically gets in a snit about something (generally it has been thinking she has guests coming and needs to get home!) We got Rx for this (Lorazepam), AS NEEDED only - she does not get this on a regular basis, it generally works in a very short time (doesn't need to build up in her system) and calms her down (they try all other tricks of the trade first, sometimes for an hour or more before resorting to medication.)
I also would not have the staff calling you at all hours, just to "console" her. If it even works (sounds from your posts it does NOT), it will only work for a short time. If there is a REAL issue, yes, they can call, otherwise no. You have already said that talking to her now by phone does not work (you are an impostor), so what purpose would calls at all hours serve, other than to interrupt your trip and/or sleep?
I also think the idea suggested about hiring someone to come in every day and visit with her might be a good one. Changing focus/redirection sometimes can move the person on to some other topic. Also, write up some cards and letters, addressed and stamped and have one mailed by your daughters each day, so she has something to look at/forward to. Sure, it likely will not alleviate these delusions, but it might give her something to focus on, especially with her "visitor".
No matter what, she already experiences these delusions, so let the staff deal with her and GO ENJOY YOUR TRIP!!!
Also, tell the facility, to call one of your daughters only if it is a true emergency, she can make the decision to call you or not. Your husband needs the break. If your mom dies while you are gone, it won't be your fault, she is 97 years old. You could be killed just driving to see her, what would happen then? You are not indispensable, no one is.
Please, go on your trip, have a great time, give your husband your love and attention. He deserves that.
Once again you are right on the mark. An excellent reply. We were both on the same track on this one. Glad to see you writing again. Glad to have made a new friend.
God Bless,
John
I was away for over three weeks, and when I saw my mother yesterday (after having returned the night before) she said she had no idea that I had been away that long!
It's time for the 2 of you to take care of yourselves. How terrible it would be if you don't go because you're worried and one of you were to get sick (or God forbid) die without having this special time together. I'm willing to bet your mom went on vacation and so should you!
Please go! For you and for all of us that wish we could go. Blessings to you, Lindaz.
Thank. You.