My mom has been in a nursing home for six months. She has memory problems in daily life, but her mind can still be pretty sharp and she still tries to push my buttons. She is furious about the fact that I have been made her guardian, and she has been badmouthing me to everyone (relatives, nurses,...). When I find myself alone with her, she says that I disturb her, or she gives me the silent treatment (not sure this one is due to dementia, she has actually been doing this for years). She then says that I am the resentful one and asks why I hate her so much. Any tips on coping with this?
I understand what CM is saying about seperating out the real grievences that is part of a caregivers job. Some people just can't express their real needs and always feel others give them second best when that was never the intention. For example Mom may take you into a thrift store and look at shoes but what she really wants is for you to say. "Oh no Mom I will order those from LLBean what color would you like?" Now if she just told you her friend's daughter brought her shoes from LLBean and would really like a pair like that there would be no misunderstanding and everyone would be happy. unfortunately these problems have usually been life long and just get magnified as the filters slip away. Good for you doing nice things for your mother. She really needs that even if she appears to be ungrateful.
Captain I don't think that my mother wants to bond with me over anything. Maybe she just wants to vent, but to me it feels like she also wants to hurt.
the elder just needs an outlet. when im with edna the daughter is the bad guy. when edna is with daughter im the prince of darkness reincarnated. the demented elders are like gossipy little kids currying favor with one then the other. Sharon and I are hip to it and laugh about it in private moments.
By genuine grievances, I mean for example that being told by a court of law that somebody else has complete authority and control over your life really sucks for any person who retains any clarity of thought at all. How would you like it? The fact that this decision has been made in your mother's best interests, and for extremely good reasons I don't doubt, is still not going to make it palatable to her. You can't change reality, but seeing in your own mind why she's so angry and resentful might make it make more sense. I'm sorry for your situation, it's very hard on you.
There's nothing you can do about her badmouthing you. Just continue to visit and be polite and nice to everyone.
Many (most?) times our elderly parents reserve their bad feelings and bad moods just for us because they know that we're their caregivers and aren't going anywhere. They take their loss of control out on us.
Don't argue with your mom. When she asks you why you hate her so much tell her that you love her so much that you want what's best for her. Then change the subject. If she continues try to redirect her attention to something else. Bring her some magazines or candy or a bouquet of flowers, something that will catch her attention on something other than why you hate her so much. Continue to redirect her but if she begins to get agitated tell her goodbye, give her a kiss, and let her know you'll see her next time. You're not a hostage when you visit her, you can leave any time.