My 75 yr old mom who has dementia has jealous issues, Mom in law 93 fell and broke her Femur in 2 places emergency bone surgery in hospital ER and room for 20 hrs with her, My mom called repeatedly and left messages on phone at house, 67 times in one day, I did call her and tell what happened to mom in law she didnt understand, I called on her Health care aide to come over for a few hours to help.
Frustration I am mom's caregiver, now I am in the midst of caregiving for my mom in law also. l How can i assist my mom in that i love her just dont have all the time as before to spend with her. This is why I had her health care worker come over for 2 hrs.
After 14 months of 24/7 care in my home (mobility issues,mentally alert), Mom went for one week respite to be shared by two brothers. My mother had major issues contributing financially, having aides or respite care from anywhere but family. At one point, I was told no one else in the family could take her if I needed a break, so I tried to use assisted living for respite and all hell broke loose. After that one brother decided if he shared the week with another brother, they COULD do it.
Well to sum it up as fast as I can, due to my mother's control issues, lack of appreciation and lack of respect, I posted here asking about not taking her back. I was advised not to trick anybody but use the time to find another place for my mother, which I agree with in theory BUT it doesn't really work like that in my family. Mom shuts down and here comes everyones opinions. Well she went and we refused to take her back. Have you ever done something and can't believe you did it? I have always been close to my mother (if you played the game her way) actively argued with my brothers against her going to a nursing home and constantly trying to help her. My mantra was always "she's my mother" but the lack of respect really made me see this is a one way street. I guess this relates to the post "when is enough enough" . As you might have guessed, we have no contact. I have committed an unforgiveable act. It's actually quite freeing to step out of this crazy family dynamic but there is a price to be paid. I actually love them and I do regret treating my one brother badly. He is her POA and did try to help me. Just trying to think things through-funny how life can slap you around and make you re-examine things.
Thanks to everyone for sharing your experiences. It has been a hugh support.
Can't tell you how much I respect what all of you are doing.
trying to care for 2 elderly parents with some really needy care is really impossible and you will burn yourself out. It doesn't make you a bad person to have MIL in a respite care facility. There are professionals there to provide all the care she needs she doesn't have to go anywhere to get PT, your husband can visit her on the way home from work and you can relax knowing that this isn't an awful choice and it doesn't make you a bad person.
Also you really need to consider your own mom with dementia. AS much as we all want to think we can provide the best care for our ailing parents and that the best place for them to be is at home with us - that isn't always the case. First your life shouldn't be on hold because you have a parent with mental illness, second you really have to look at everything with very impartial eyes (not easy at all to do) You have to ask your self is being at home the best thing for her or would a Nursing home/Assisted Living type facility really be a better situation. Its not an easy decision to make. If you don't have help your going to get ill trying to do this all yourself. Give your self permission to put your self first and know its ok if you choose an alternative care situation for either parent.
I really would think hard about a short term respite care situation for your MIL.
someone ..
Seriously, you can't be everything to everyone -- something I am sure you have found out by now. Smart to get your mom's aide for extra time. If your MIL needs an aide, I'm sure you've already figured out that it would have to be a totally different one. Yes, MIL's own blood should be pitching in helping with her.
I am dreading what will happen when it's time for my MIL or FIL to need help. My SILs have already said they would not help their own mother because she is so needy. They assume that I will do it because I am doing it for my own mother. Heck no - already told my husband we are moving to another state!
I hope she dosnt say anything at the house warming oh god im so scared maybe i should leave her at home but she may climb over the wall.
Where is your husband in all this?
You did the best you could. You're NOT superwoman. You will have your own health problems if you continue to try to take care of both.
One or the other needs to go into and/or have full time caregiving. And it shouldn't be you.
skyisblue, you're doing a great job, but take care not to stretch yourself too thin.
Mom was 93 and bedbound and MIL was 84 and jealous when I would be staying at my moms caring for her.
In hindsight what I should have done was to insist that other family members step up to the plate and care for her. I did not do this and suffered for it. please take my advice. Set your boundaries now. Let all family members know what you are able to do and what you are not able to do. Make sure you are very clear. Do not beat around the bush.
It is very important that you have another family member help with MIL now.. You have enough on your plate dealing with your Mom, let others take over for MIL..
Taking care of your Mom is a full time job..
It's just that there is no way on earth of explaining to your mother why you can't be there for her so she is bound to get scared and upset. If your MIL is lucid and can understand the situation, then gradually delegate her care to someone else instead if that's possible. It's a matter of who needs you more, when there is only one of you and you cannot be everywhere. Best of luck.
I think having Mom's health aid work extra hours was very smart.