My mother is 89 and I have been caring for her solo for 8 years now. She expects me to care for her because it is what daughters do. My brother and his wife believe that it is my job and because they live four hours away they can't be here to help out. I have asked him to help out monetarily even if he can't physically do anything and he tells me he is "retired" now and lives on a fixed income. The man is an author of many books, and was CEO with many subordinates beneath him to manage as well as having his doctorate in Economics. His 600,000 dollar home has been paid off and with no children at home now,he still has a huge amount of money coming in every month. However, this isn't the issue I am concerned about here.....although I resent him for never offering to share part of the load. I have planned a short 2 night weekend with friends at the end of this month and my son who lives here with his baby and fiancee offered to help me out with mom while I am away. She is very upset and depressed about this and does not want me to go fearing my son will let her starve and go out during the day. He has taken care of her before for 2 days and really did a great job. How do I make my mother more comfortable with my going away for a very short break? I feel as though I am going to crash and burn most of the time and my patience with her has been short. Thank you for your help.
I haven't arranged any respite time away for myself. I plan to do so soon. It's not fair to my Tom (an angel without wings) and it's not fair to me. But I don't think I'll feel guilty about THAT.
What I DO feel guilty about is when I hire a care giver to come in of an afternoon or evening . . . Tom and I off to dinner and the show . . . to a family cook-out . . . to a wedding . . . to a shower. I simply can't take her. I get alllll dressed up as does Tom, give her a hug and a kiss and go out to have some fun. And there she sits.
She does nothing to make me feel guilty, but I can't help thinking of all the fun she's missing -- and how terribly small her world has become...
You know her and I don't. I'm guessing it is about her own anxiety and not about your at all.
But it doesn't really matter WHY she is doing it. You don't have to play along. You are taking some respite for perfectly sound reasons and your sound reasons trump her unhealthy reasons no matter what they are.
Be pleasant. Be firm. Don't be apologetic (which just confirms to her that she is right and you shouldn't go.) Offer to bring her something special, especially if you are going to an area known for certain things.
Next time (and there should be regular next times) don't tell her in advance. If this conflict over you leaving briefly is a reflection of a more general anxiety on her part, I think it worth discussing with her doctor. But if the only time she gets like this is when you leave, I'm not sure medical intervention is necessary. Let's hope she gets used to it and it goes more smoothly each time.
I dont think your mum wants you to feel guilty BUT she probably is worried but you cannot live like this please just ignore her and go if you give into her now she will continue and you will never get a break i know how guilty they make you feel but have learned to ignore it and just go anyway and you know what? mum stopped making me feel guilty as she knew id go no matter what and she gave up trying this! It took me along time to say no to her and take a break anyway i could which is very rare!
Do not let her make you ill we all need a break and your son sounds like a responisble guy maybe just reassure her that youre not that far away and you will be home in a flash if anything happened!
Just how i handled it and trust me the more you stop giving in the more she will stop making you feel guilty! in my mums case i look back now and realise it was fear with her i think it could be the same with your mum!
I know how you feel also about sibling i have no money and no car i would love to take mum out on long drives but dont have money for a car my sister has huge savings do you think she would suggest a small cheap car just for my mums sake? NO! when mum goes i will be confronting her about this simple basic need i know mum would go out more if buses and taxis were not such a hassle everytime!
Hugs its so hard when siblings dont help out but look youve a great caring son well done you for bringing him up this way you should be proud!
Go and have a good time. A couple of days is NOTHING! Your mom will be fine. Once you step out that door, don't think about her once - she'll be fine! Enjoy and let us know how it goes.
I have a feeling Jeanne is right. It is more about your mother's anxiety than anything you're doing wrong. You don't need to feel guilty, because you are important and you need a break. When you get back, your mother might pout for a couple of days, but that too shall pass. Go and have fun.
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