Mom asks where Dad is over and over again. We have tried telling her the "cliff notes" version of his death which she accepts after being upset. Then later in the same conversation, she asks where he is again. We have also tried telling her he is on a business trip to which she gets angry (and stays angry) that he hasn't called her. Is there a "better" way to handle this?
She asks me when they will be back.
Who is that, Ma?
Your dad and his friends. They went fishing.
Oh, well, I haven't heard when they'll be back. But I sure hope they catch a lot of fish. I remember the fish fries we used to have ... [off on a different memory].
Ma is content, and happy to think about a pleasant time in the past.
OR I could have handled it this way:
Who is that, Ma?
Your dad and his friends. They went fishing.
Mother! Dad died 17 years ago. Most of his friends are dead. He is not fishing. He is never coming back.
Oh no! He can't be dead! We had dinner last night. Oh, this is terrible! Why didn't anyone tell me? It can't be true. etc.
Mother, if you can't accept the truth, that is your problem. I'm leaving now.
Good grief. To me there is absolutely no contest between these two approaches.
1RareFind,
I, too, am a Christian. I believe Jesus' main purpose in coming was to save us by loving us enough to die for our sins, so we can stand before God, the Father, blameless. He is known for compassion, mercy and love. That said, I'd like you to read this from Ephesians 4:29;
"Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen." Do you think Jesus would 'drive home' the "truth" over and over to a person who has had their brain Literally eaten away from Alzheimer's and is UNABLE to process the answer,
then to relive the agony again in a few minutes, just because the commandment says, "Thou shalt not lie"? Jesus was a rule breaker. He threw out traditions and laws of His OWN (Jewish) religion in the faces of the elders, who knew God's word backwards and forwards. Why? Because He taught the principles of Compassion, Mercy and Love as more important than keeping the law. Of course you have every right to do it your way. But, in your steadfast, hard line approach, (take the truth or I'll walk away but I'll never lie), would this be in line with Jesus' message? Remember the saying in the 80's, "What would Jesus do"? I believe He would have compassion on the poor soul that has no brain function and give her an answer that would be comforting to her, to "be helpful to build her up". Compassion, mercy and love trump rules and laws. Have we learned nothing from His examples?
So Ireneskids, answer her with compassion, mercy and love in whatever way that will be "helpful and build her up". God bless you. Many of us are in the same situation.
The business trip idea is good but if he was the type of person who rarely, if ever, called home [my sig other is like that] then Mom would be angry, I know I would. Think of another reason that you know your Mom wouldn't be angry that he didn't call, like he is busy helping a neighbor, or he's down the street watching football with a friend.
I wonder if the explanations you are giving do work, it's just that she forgets what you said, so she keeps asking.
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