Mom passed away January 2025 she was 86, still have dad. I'm 62. Having a really difficult time with mom being gone. I used to call her daily sometimes several times a day. I live in Texas, they are in Arizona. Mom was moved to a rehab home last year so nurses etc could help her. I called/texted mom several times for days but could not reach her, which was odd. I thought she was resting or napping since she had just recovered from pneumonia, or rehab tired her out. My brother called me Saturday night of same week I couldn’t reach mom, he told me mom wanted to hear my voice. Apparently she hadn't been doing well (no one told me) I was able to get up there before she passed away. I got there the very next day on Sunday, I stayed until Wednesday, then on Friday around noon my brother let me know she had passed away. The funeral was the following week. I was there for several days. My brother and his wife moved in with my parents about 8 years ago. Which they did right after I talked to my brother and sent him an email letting him know what I discussed with mom which was that I wanted to sell my home and move to Arizona, live with parents, i'd pay 5-600 a month and pay the bills while I looked for a home and got a job. My reasoning was that I have been missing them a lot since they moved to Arizona almost 20 years ago (I was divorced, living alone) I wanted to spend time with mom and dad, go on days trips etc while they were still able. The occasional visit was not enough for me. Also mom told me several times that brother and his wife often ignored them at church and would greet others and not really speak to them (mom and dad) and not invite them out to eat after church but go out with others. That made me feel bad for my parents since it really upset mom. I was talking to mom one day after we talked about my plans and I asked what they were doing, she told me they were moving their bedroom furniture to the spare room, I asked why and she told me my brother and his wife were moving in!! I saidwell there is no room for me now, she said I could still come - but they only have a 2 bedrooms. So not really any room for me. Before I could get things in order here to more brother had moved in. I stayed in Texas. I know my brother had no plans on moving in with mom and dad until I said something and he beat me to it. Then his son, daughter and her husband moved into their house about a mile away and paying rent to them. No one paying rent to mom and dad. Later I was told that mom and dad paid all the bills and they split the grocery bill. In 2016 I received a letter that I was the successor trustee, so when mom passed away, I inquired about what I needed to do and my brother told me I was not the successor trustee because they changed everything last year now he, his wife and their daughter are now the ones more or less in charge of mom/dads finances, power of atty etc. He told me that per the estate attorney the state of Arizona does not allow out of state trustees, decision makers etc and must be local in Arizona so decisions can be made and not have to wait on long distance communication. he said that Arizona had too many out of towners that were not taking care of their parents. So they made this rule. I said it's a phone call away if needed. He said it was a state rule. Then I find out that mom/dad's home has been signed/deeded to my brother, he is the sole beneficiary. I have been excluded from any decision making, they never communicated with me on any of this. I was always told everything. Mom had state insurance but I don't understand how a state can mandate who can or cannot help their parents when decisions need to be made when they no longer can, even if you live out of state. There is just so much and more I am dealing with I have no idea how to handle it all. I don't trust my brother and have no idea what he is up to. Feeling very left out and excluded. Sorry this is so long.
When my husband died in 2001, I had spent the year before in total stress mode after his Stage 4 cancer diagnosis, major surgery and brutal chemo. I had to keep my job to pay for his COBRA (Medical) since he was illegally fired right after his diagnosis! He needed to have his medical paid for, so I had to work. I couldn't take him to his chemo, which I feel bad about all these years later.
Meanwhile, my family (2 sisters and brother) chose to dump me that last year to his death. None of them called or visited him, and he had done nothing to deserve it. Neither had I! They didn't attend his beautiful military funeral either, yet 90 other people did! So I know how it feels to get dumped by "family" at your darkest hour. I haven't spoken to them in 23 years. I had always done so much for them, never thinking in a million years they would all be so horrible to me.
I was going to tell you how it takes time to get past it....until I read about your brother's greedy behavior. You need to take that emotional pain and direct it towards that no-good, greedy brother! Find an elder lawyer and question everything he's done! Call APS and report his elder financial abuse! I makes me mad and disgusted just reading it.
I know it's hard to believe, but certain family members can be very selfish and greedy. When you hear how "family is everything" and similar BS, I want to scream! My experience is that philosophy is not true, and your greedy brother is a fine example. Your Mom was hoodwinked and would agree. I can tell you with conviction she knows who loved her and made special time for her, worried about her, and was devoted to her. It was NOT your brother.
Don't let yourself cave to this jerk, summon up your inner strength and turn him in to APS for starters. He's counting on your emotional devastation to weaken you, so he can get away with his hostile takeover. Do what it takes and go after him!
I'm so sorry for your loss. It's just so wrong in so many ways.
It’s truly heartbreaking reading some of the stories here. It’s disturbing and disgusting behavior.
There is so much more to my story but I think I’ll lay low and know in my heart I love and appreciated everything mom and dad did for me and more than anything they loved me. I don’t have to hide behind lies and I stand tall in my truth. Not sure brother can do the same.
I thank all of you for sharing and taking the time to respond. I’m glad I found this forum years ago.
Sometimes there is no one to turn to. It’s truly amazing that total strangers are there for each other when even family isn’t.
I totally understand about not being able to wrap your head around this because you are not like that. I have a brother that I can not even speak with because he is polar opposite from me and I don't know how he can do or say the things he does. It baffles and scares me the way he operates.
I wouldn't trust your brother, if an attorney is involves and directing this, it is very possible that ALL assets now belong to the trust and the wills are pour over wills that basically deal with items that had not been transferred to the trust or just personal items. Because that is what a good attorney advises.
I do encourage you to at least speak with APS. Arizona does protect it's seniors from financial exploitation, they don't appreciate the competition for our assets. :-)
An attorney would guide them for estate planning but would never encourage cutting out an adopted child, because that is illegal in the state of Arizona, you CAN NOT write an adopted child out of your will.
I agree that you can let this go. It's done and nothing will change that, your dad is dependent on brother and family, he won't want that boat rocked.
I have to say, they have shown you who and what they are, believe them.
Just so you know, you are no less your mom and dad's daughter than your brother is their son. They chose you, him they just got stuck with ;-).
Arizona has no such rule. It is all governed by the law and the law doesn't require you to be a resident of the state to be a trustee.
I would turn him in to APS for financial exploitation of a vulnerable senior. The proof is in all the paperwork being recently modified to enrich him and his family.
I am so sorry for the loss of your mom. May The Lord give you grieving mercies, strength and wisdom during this hard time.
To answer your question, yes, time does help us feel less numb. You learn to live in your new normal but, I think you always miss them, especially when you were very close. You learn to remember the good times and try to smile more then cry when thinking of them.
Great big warm hug!
Go figure they are super religious and am the sinner in their eyes but he needs to take a good look at what their are doing. There is so much going on there I just have to pull away. However I will look into APS. I don’t mean any harm to family but finding out I was excluded from all that was done seems very odd. Take care.
Thank you for your time.
I have slowly but surely come to the resolve that it is what it is and whatever has been done whether right or wrong in my eyes I can’t change anything there. Whatever conversations were had between them, for whatever reasons I was not included it’s beyond me. It’s solely under their control. I do know mom would never not let me know things of such importance. Last year mom told me she and dad were afraid they were going to take their house from them. Looks like it happened and more. I live by a certain code of ethics and morals which I am never willing to compromise. So it’s all on them. I will keep in touch with dad as much as I can. He doesn’t like to talk on the phone and never answers the phone. I am lucky if when I call my brother and his wife pick up and give dad the phone.
Thank you for your kind words.
I lost both my mom and dad and it was extremely painful. I tried counseling when my mom passed first, but it didn't help me, personally. It may help you and it's worth a try.
People would always tell me give it time. You will never stop missing your mom, but the pain will lessen in time.
(Hugs) and so sorry for your loss 📉..
Your brother may well be lying about the law regarding trustees in Arizona. You could consult with a lawyer there to find out. However, even if you were still the successor trustee, you would not be able to do anything unless the primary trustee was unable or unwilling to fulfill the duties. Finding out either way would help determine whether your brother is trustworthy or not.
Why don't you talk with your dad instead of just your brother? He could help you understand the reasons for what they've done. If you think your brother is defrauding or taking advantage of your father, you could talk with your father about that. Don't be accusatory, or your brother might cut off contact. But if you feel like something shady is being done to disadvantage your father, you could check with a lawyer there to find out if you can change that in some way.
I'm sorry about the difficulties with your brother. I wonder how much of this is about sibling rivalry. For example, eight years ago when you were missing your parents and wanted to do day trips and spend time with them, you still could have moved there and lived nearby and spent the time, even though your brother had moved in with them. But you didn't. Your father may feel like your brother has been there for him and your mom while you were far away. Your brother's motive may indeed have been financial gain. But what's happened is in the past, and you can only try to determine what are the best things to do going forward.