Mom has moved into my sister's house. We brought in several accessibility experts to identify what they recommend doing to keep her safe while shes aging in place there. She was there during the assessment and today when installation was scheduled she was screaming at the installer telling him she didnt want safety bars installed next to the toilet. This is my sister's house and they agreed with expert that it was a fall risk and signed contract for install. The PT even came out with installer to walk her through why the bars were important if needed. My sister is supposed to be my moms personal care person but has a very difficult time doing anything my mom complains about...which is pretty much everything. Even things she asks for she changes her mind about and has a melt down. My sister thinks this is just because there has been a lot of change. I agree with that but the ranting and confrontational behavior seems like it could be more than that. Shes acted out in the past but this seems over the top. Any thoughts? Thanks
Your sister has to lay down the law: this is HER house, HER rules, and if mom is so against having safety bars installed in her daughter's bathroom, she can move to Shady Acres Assisted Living where there are ALREADY such safety features installed in all the bathrooms. It's common sense 101.
Why on earth did your sister take mom in when she has such difficulty doing anything HER way and must jump to do things mom's way? That's a short lived experiment, I think........one that will fail and make both of you realize that mom needs senior managed living where she can act out with all the other residents (which she won't) instead of with her loving daughters. Autonomy is the greatest gift any 'child' can give her senior parents; living in their OWN space and making their own decisions (to some degree) is what allows them to feel independent, in the long run.
Your sister should have those bars installed in her bathroom b/c even if mom moves out, those bars are great for all of us as we age.
Best of luck.
My Dad was all for it, but not my Mom [both in their 90's]. It would ruin the "decor" of the house, yada, yada, yada. Good grief, it's not like she was hosting a fancy get together every weekend, it was just I and hubby who visited.
So a couple months later my Dad made an appointment with a plumber. The male plumber made the same suggestions and Mom was more than happy to have the work done.
My Mom always had issues with other women making suggestions. Mom even didn't like doctors who were female as she believed male doctors were so much smarter. I always had to bite my tongue as I was the smashing of the glass ceiling type.
So, I wonder if your Mom is doing the same thing?
Your sister's house, so she does what she wants, not what her guest wants. Mom really has no say in the matter.
Get her checked for dementia. So much of what you wrote made me wonder if she is either has a current UTI or dementia.
Keep being there for your sister, Alwayshelp. Don't let mom cause any divisions between the two of you. Your sister has taken on a lot of responsibility. You don't say where she lived before moving in with your sister. If she was with you, then you already know what your sister is experiencing.
Chances are mom WILL use them because they will be there and it is a normal thing to use what is handy to help yourself. (One of the reasons I suggest people remove "towel bars" next to showers or tubs because "towel bars" will not support someone and the natural thing is to grab hold of one when you get out of the shower or tub. Same with the bars on glass shower doors, people use those to support themselves and they are not intended to be used in that manner.)
I think Mom needs to be evaluated for a Dementia. It may be her anxiety and being in a new place but I would have her PCP evaluate. Make an appt late in the day. This is when "sundowning" shows up. People early on in their Dementia can "showtime". Meaning they can seem normal for a period of time but can't keep it up. If mom was living alone, you may not have notice her cognitive decline.
Does mom have dementia?
I always remember a moment, shortly after mom entered rehab after a stroke. Mom started exhibiting very strange behavior, became delusional and irrational about a lot of things.
I think we all had assumed that mom would complete rehab and go live with my brother and his wife, who got along with her and were best situated to care for her.
My dear, dear SIL, the kindest person in the world said "well, mom can't come to live with us if she's crazy".
It was the most accurate assessment of the situation possible. It would NEVER have worked, despite how much love there was on all sides.
Mom went to a good facility and lived well there for a long time.
Dementia is a game changer.
That's not right to say luckily it's the sister's problem. No, it is not exclusively the sister's problem because she is not an only child.
The mother is just as much the OP's responsibility as she is her sister's.
The only option, as I see it, is that you support your sister as much as you can to 'empower' her to make decisions that are in your mom's best interest, and not allow your mom's response / behavior to dictate your sister's decision-making.
* Having gone through all this prep to do what is right - to have your mom 'take over' during the critical time of installation is truly unfortunate - and for anything to do with her safety - and changes (as installation, etc). This scenario must change. Some ideas of how ...
* For any 'improvements,' tell your sister that:
1) either your mom is taken out for lunch or something when these things are done; and / or
2) Sister needs to learn how to feel secure / confident in her decision making and be clear with 'mother' - this is being done for you. ... or/and "I know you have feelings about this and I understand that; this is being done for your safety... then change the subject.
3) Your sister needs to learn to:
a) Not to argue (or be right) and
b) Not talk logic - with / to your mom.
These / this way of communication doesn't work.
And most (99.99%) of family fall into that hell hole due to:
1) they do not know how to respond - not having this experience before; and
2) these communications are often life-long instilled patterns of behaviors between parent and their children.
3) Your sister isn't (totally) reacting out of what's happening now, she is reacting from a lifetime pattern of behaviors - and psychological / emotional responses. I believe your sister is TRIGGERED and needs to understand this in order to have the will and confidence to change.
4) Your sister might need to role play (what your mom may say and sister's response).
- And, this may be 'too much.' It might be much easier to have your mom go out for an event or lunch when new safety measures are put in place.
- Just don't tell her what is changing. Just do it.
5) If you can't and/or in addition to you supporting your sister (in changing her response(s) to your mom, she likely would benefit from therapy or an intervention-or - perhaps a social worker.
I am VERY IMPRESSED with the thought that went into changing the bars in the bathroom.
In closing, I would say to 'ask your mom "why don't you want / like this? (way before installeers come or work starts) so she will feel some independence (as she is also reacting to losing (more) independence, physically and perhaps cognitively. No one wants to set up this emotional upheaval at the time of installation.
And remember, your mom knows how this goes - she knows your sister and how to push her buttons to get her (mom's) needs met - or at least cause a lot of discord. Your sister needs to change as your mom won't.
- And, if she is losing cognitive functioning, it is magnified (from her point of view - she is fearful and perhaps confused). Compassion through all this makes all the difference "I understand how you feel" goes a long way.
Gena / Touch Matters
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