My mom lives by herself in a house 3 miles from mine. She is 79 and has not seen a doctor in at least 35 years. Takes only over the counter vitamins and Advil and such. Her diet is very healthy— lots of vegetables and protein, low carbs, no junk or sugar. She does drink 1-2 glasses of wine per evening. I would bet she has arthritis in her hands and knees. One leg is very stiff and she pretty much drags it. That knee angles inward when viewed from the back when she stands or walks. She also has very severe bunions. She walks with a cane. She does have a walker left from when my dad was in hospice (he passed in May) but so far, she won’t use it. It’s hard for her to get out of a chair or the car. I do not think she has dementia.
She does have a living will in which she states she wants no life sustaining treatment — no cardiac resuscitation, no IVs, etc. She also has a DPOA document if she becomes incapacitated and I am the named person on both.
She told me yesterday that she wants no treatment of any kind for any long-term health condition. No surgeries, no physical therapy, no knee replacement, no treatment if she gets cancer, CHF, no prescription meds, etc. I asked what about chronic conditions that could be debilitating or cause pain but not lead to death? She replied she would “just take street drugs” in order to hasten her death. Of course, she has no idea how to procure street drugs and has never tried any. She did acknowledge she would take antibiotics for an infection, Paxlovid for Covid, and she would seek medical care if she broke a bone. she also has a lot of anxiety and I have suggested more than once that a prescription could help with that (also therapy) but she is totally opposed. I said she might have depression after my dad died, but again, she refused all professional help.
What I worry about is something like she falls and breaks a hip then lives another 15+ years. She did have a life alert style medallion for a few months but kept setting it off by accident and now refuses to wear it.
How realistic would you all say my worries are? Are there other things I should be concerned about?
I have broached AL many times and she is adamantly opposed. She fired several home health aides even when my dad was incontinent and basically bedridden. She now has a high school girl who helps her a couple of days per week with things like taking out the garbage, putting away groceries, and getting the mail from the end of the driveway. But who knows how long this girl will last. I also go over there usually 2X per week to chat with her and do stuff for her. I also handle all her bills, taxes, most home repairs, etc. I am mindful of boundaries and setting limits and avoiding burnout.
I know we are in “wait for the crisis” mode. I am pretty much at peace with it, but just wonder what the future will hold. She hasn’t seen a dentist in probably 4-5 years or an eye dr either. She does wear glasses.
I'm 70, and in relatively good health, but I know I would not agree with any procedure that extended my life unnaturally. I would let nature take its course, after a certain age, why fight it?
Partly I am still reeling with the death of my mother at age 90. This was a woman who would see a doctor for any little ache or pain and complain incessantly about how sick she was. She insisted on having various elective surgeries for her back, her neck, he shoulders etc etc. She would not do the physical therapy so would end up worse than if she had done nothing. She took so many prescription drugs she had no idea what they were supposed to do, yet she was someone who had to take pills every day for what exactly? She had nothing to live for and no one really wanted anything to do with her.
Do I want to extend my life unnaturally to spent years in a nursing home with nothing and no one? No. Would anyone really choose that?
I would rather be remembered as someone who was alive and vibrant right up until the end. Always leave 'em wanting more.
It's better to leave the party an hour early than an hour late.
She has established her lifestyle over many years and has survived either because of it or inspite of it. Respect that even though you long for her to have a more comfortable life. Keep the communication lines open, keep visiting and quietly helping her by just doing things that lighten her load or provide greater safety, but ask permission before doing anything she would think is drastic. Separate your needs from her needs. In the end, she is making choices that make her happy. Allow her to be happy and in charge as long as possible. That will be a gift no one else can give. I have had the privilege and have learned to ask for help, but I would be furious if someone wanted to change my ideas of what makes me happy. Thanks for being in her corner and loving her as she is.
My mother ended up in long term swing bed, which is basically hospitalization even though she could use a wheelchair 4 of those years.
Thank God I was able to "grandfather" her monthly charge or payments or I would have been paying $8,200 at her passing, instead of $5,800.
The care was good, sometimes too good. And this is my only addition to the excellent responses you've received. Be very cautious when she requires antibiotics, as there are some which are considered live extending. Sure wish I could remember which one they called asking my permission to administer. You can get caught emotionally disadvantaged with urgent calls. Later mothers doctor called and apologized for them overlooking her last wishes giving her that antibiotic. Truthfully, it was the pharmacist who first alerted me!
Mom's response was to have an even more strict Living Will drawn up and kept at the nurses station, which named the life altering antibiotics.
The mistake caused another 4 years fairly bedridden, certainly totally dependent.
This last year, entering my 70's, I have updated my Living Will and prepared all documents so my Healthcare Representative has an easier experience which also respects my wishes.
Good luck & God Bless@
You ask how should you cope?
Love your mother, be there for her. And be thankful that she has let you know in advance what her wishes are. And let nature take its course.
She ( as all of us) will not live forever.
Focus on the good times you and she have now. Make the most of the time you have now. That is what she is asking you to do.
If she has not already, talk with her about preparing for after death. That is one area where many of us are unprepared. Make sure she clarifies, in writing, her wishes for funeral, disposition of her body, and how to manage her material belongings, including all accounts to be paid, closed, and assets to be distributed.
Then, let her be. She will be comforted by the fact that she is prepared for anything. And hopefully, so will you.