My Mom talks to herself out loud so I hear the things she thinks about me, she accuses me of being lazy, selfish and blowing money. Any advice?
None of it is true! She lives with me & my hubby,I do everything for her ex: cooking, cleaning, errands, managing all her affairs, dr. appt. shopping. I'm the youngest of 6 children and the ONLY one doing anything. She does pay 500.00 per month but thinks that's way too much, she is border line diabetic so she eats a lot of foods that Hubby & I don't, her glucerna alone is over 50.00 per month. It hurts my heart to hear her say such NASTY things about me, I have a baby monitor in her room in case she was to need me at night and often wake up to her rambling about me in such a negative way but if I ask her about she says she didn't say anything like that, I also hear her say these things when I walk out of the room during the day so she's not just saying these things in her sleep. We were never close because of her stand offish ways but at 85 I thought things would change,,,, HELP !!!!
I too struggeled with ignoring her. Now I just go in another room and shut the door. I will not engage her and I know it's all not true so I know it's hard but you have to do that for yourself.
Get her checked out by the doctor, as people noted. Because you need to know if there is some help for her or if this is the way she will be. It will wear you down if you don't find out.
Does your mom live with you? I hope not if she's 70 and in good physical shape. I have been known to talk to my pets, so I don't think that's so wacky (at least I hope not, LOL). But the off-the-wall beliefs and sharing those with grandchildren is more problematic. You could ask her doctor to do an evaluation for dementia, but it sounds to me like your mom could probably pass that at this point. I'd try to rule out physical causes for her behavior before I tried to get her mental status evaluated.
I don't know if there is a way to cure it. We can ignore it if we realize it isn't about us. If they will let us help, we can do things if it is caused by depression or boredom. A depressed, bored mind is the devil's playground. Sometimes finding something they enjoy doing goes a long way. (This is easier said than done, since many older people lose interest in doing almost everything. Sigh.)
If your mother is a typical 85-yo woman, she should still be able to do some things around the house, e.g. dishes, laundry, dusting. Perhaps she would like to do church events or go to a senior center for companionship. We can have so much on us already that taking them extra places can seem like a pain. But if it makes their lives better, I think it is well worth the effort. It is a bit like taking children to sports and community events -- so much better than having them sit home all day.
What would even be better if she had a good friend who drove. I wish all of us caregivers had loved ones with best friends. That would make our loved ones and our lives so much easier. Too bad they don't sell best friends on eBay. :(
Look, you're taking care of your mother because YOU are a nice person, not because she is. My heart sinks that you're not getting a fair reward from it, such as appreciation or a mellowing of her attitude; but if you were going to let that stop you taking care of her you wouldn't have taken her in in the first place, would you?
I don't know what to suggest. Pretend she's talking about somebody else? Or, to yourself, contradict her (don't waste your breath arguing with her) - when she says something unfair, tell yourself the truth of it. E.g. she says you're lazy, you say "I work hard to take care of my family. I am a hard-working person." Set the record straight in your own head.
I'm sorry, this must be very painful. Hugs to you.
Family relationships are so complicated. Sometimes people hold back the very thing that is most desired. In your case telling you have grateful she is. Do you ever tell your Mom, how the mumblings hurt you? She may be unable to express her gratitude and love. She was born during the depression, very hard tmes, she might have been abandoned or neglected. Do you know her story? Do you tell her how much you love her, how grateful you are she is living with you? Maybe she feels like a fifth wheel, and is lashing out at you in her own defense.
Put her in assisted living, or a nursing home, if her medical condition needs careful monitoring. Otherwise, you'll wear yourself out from lack of sleep, and from catering to her.