Mom thinks I am trying to run her life.

I can't thank you all enough for your comments. I see my situation in many of you. You are right. All I keep thinking in my mind is that I want her to be happy and joyous. Dad left her with enough money to live in a nice AL place until her time comes. He took extremely good care of her financially for after his death. She can buy anything she wants. But she doesn't drive any more, her choice, and I am always working. I order her groceries for her and send them Instacart. Then she pays me back. But she is always complaining about money. You are right about grooming. She has always been controlling. She picked out out school clothes until we were 16. Like told us what to wear. When dad hit us, she did not come to our aid. She told him to stop but never stepped in. I am thinking maybe in the back of my mind, I want to step in and help her because she did not do that for me. Dad was flat our mean. But he was a fantastic business man. He came from the inner-city projects and worked his butt off.
I want so desperately to have a loving, silly, happy conversation with mom, but I know that may never happen. But I am a recovering addict/alcoholic that went to rehab, so I guess I never give up..haha
I really can't thank you all enough. I'm sorry that many of you are in the same situation, but it feels good to know I am not alone or a horrible person.

Stop answering the phone from your brother and stop going to visit your mother. Sit back and wait for the big event, like many of us are doing.

The elderly do not like to be told what to do even if its just a suggestion. Let her live her life the way she wants to. She leaves things till the last minute, thats her problem not yours. Maybe help her get out of it once but she is on her own next time. You brother does need to stop poking and calling you to complain. Tell him nothing neither of you can do about it. Keep leaving when "its not working". You can continue to do for her and just except she will never appreciate it.

If your Mom lived 1000 miles away, you would not know what she was or was not doing. We live in NJ my MIL lived in Fla. My FIL died when they both were 71. She lived 20 yrs on her own. We had no idea if her bills were being paid. If she was eating. Cleaning her house. And I learned long before not to suggest anything. I am sure my husband did not worry daily about her.

I have found that those who have handled elderly parents well are those who don't try to handle them. And they do it with humor. For yourself, still take over that pizza but do not expect her to appreciate it. Tell her, Mom I hope I am a happier person at 83 than you and smile. Mom, you know if you look on the bright side of things, you would be a happier person. And keep leaving tell her why you are leaving. Maybe it will finally hit her. It may never.

Mom doesn't want solutions, she wants to complain. Let the calls go to voicemail and steer this sinking ship YOURSELF. She's sorry you visit, remember?

If her mind is sharp and she still takes care of herself , cooking , cleaning etc.
I would leave her alone until she asks for help .

Even if you think she’s putting things off , if she is competent she’s allowed to make bad decisions.

Stop trying to make her happy . Doesn’t seem like she’s going to be no matter what. You go over when it’s convenient for you .

Don’t let it bother you that she’s letting some things go . It’s like a a teenagers room is a mess and you just shut the door.

She will have to live with the consequences. In a nutshell you are waiting for something that happens to force a change .

And when she needs help but refuses to have hired help come in don’t do it for her .

A wise social worker told me ,
“ Stop helping , let them fail , sometimes that’s the only way to get them to accept hired help at home or in a facility rather than expecting the family to do it all “ .

Don't offer to help UNLESS she asks for your help. Then do ONLY what she asked you to do. And do it when you want to do it if it is not convenient at the time she asks. (that's how it should go when someone asks for a favor. Unless of course it is a time sensitive ask)
As soon as she starts to argue get up and leave. Not after a minute or 2 or 5 or 30 AS SOON as she begins to argue.
And this is for you...do not argue. If you feel as if you are getting to a breaking point say, "Mom, I have to leave now." And do not let that suck you into an argument.
If she has as you say a sharp mind, she cooks, cleans, takes out the trash by herself it does not sound like she needs a lot of help so getting back to you OFFERING to help...it does not sound like she needs or wants a lot of help so let HER ask for it when she needs it.
Maybe if you are offering to help when she is fully able to do things she just might feel like you are trying to run her life.
There are people that are "do it now" people and those that put off things. (I just helped a person move that had known she was going to move for the past 2 months at least. was any thing packed...no. Was anything moved out of closets so it would be easy to move..no This person is not a "do it now" person.)
If your sibling gets her riled up and she calls you...tell her "Mom, sorry but you have to talk to _______ about that." then tell her that you have to go and hang up.
You can't control how she treats anyone else you can help control how she treats you and how you react to that treatment.

Hi Charleston Girl, I feel for you. I am in an almost identical situation.

You are waiting for the health crisis to happen that will change the dynamics of the situation. Right now let her drive the bus.
.

You and your siblings are just going to have to wait until "an incident" happens that will force some kind of action regarding your moms care.
Don't worry, it will come sooner than later, but in the meantime just do the bare minimum for her, keep your boundaries and your mouth shut, and allow her to live the way she chooses, as there will come a day when she won't have a choice any longer about anything. And keep your visits to perhaps just twice a month.
Be grateful that your mom is in such good health and can still do for herself. Most folks on this forum caring for a parent are not quite so fortunate.
Let your mom be and make sure that you learn from her mistakes, so you don't repeat them when you're her age.

Hi strong girl, I've had the same issue with my mother.

My mom wants everything her way, that part I get they are so set in there ways. They expect the daughter to do everything they want done, exactly they way they want it when they want it done, with no appreciation.

I will say she is really changing, but that change only happened when I changed.

I realized I don't deserve this, I backed way off. Stopped being her pee-on. When she got a physical therapist coming to her house, I saw a break for me, she saw that her house needed major cleaning and thought it was my job. My job for her to sit there bark orders and clean exactly the way she thinks it should be cleaned. It never got done!

I backed way off. Told my brother pretty much I'm done until I'm treated better. One didn't appreciate it at all. One faked it anyways. Also had it out with my mom a couple times. She got better, and it's not that I need a please and thank you for everything I do. She started being nicer, but a very fake nice , it was almost painful for her to be nice, watching her struggle to say thank you, was interesting, but she was trying so I held on, she gradually got a little more appreciative less demanding.

2 weekends ago a friend of mine, ran into my golden child brother. I have no clue what was said. I suspect a lot, because wow what a change the last 2 weeks. The please and thank yous are not hard for her anymore. She has true appreciation for me.

Now I'm kinda annoyed at myself for putting up with it so long. A bit annoyed because I was planning on gaining my freedom any day. Now she decides to be nice!!!

Anyways what I'm saying, first thing you have to do is realize you deserve to be treated with more kindness and appreciation.

And be ready to leave the situation no matter what. I still will leave if I have to and everyone in my family knows it.