Mom wants me to buy her things that I can’t afford. What can I do?

This is what I wrote to you a month ago, on another thread:

"I want you to google the phrase "Fear Obligation and Guilt" (i.e., FOG).

Your mother is asking you to sacrifice your life (commit martyrdom, essentially) so that she can have an illusion of independence.

Good for you that you've gotten her some resources (home health care) to take care of some of her needs.

It's not enough.

She needs someone with her 24/7. She did not plan well when she took out a reverse mortgage. That is sad, but it is NOT YOUR FAULT.

Don't try to convince her of anything. Simply say, mom, I can't do that. And don't accept the guilt card when she plays it. Tell her, "that's now how I live my life mom; I need to work".

The next time she ends up in the hospital, call discharge planning and tell them that she can no longer live safely alone. "

Stop taking your mother's calls. I suspect she has developed dementia and the accompanying anxiety. Will she go to see a doctor for an evaluation and medication? If that can be easily accomplished, make arrangements for it and GO WITH HER so you can tell the doctor what is going on.

You have no obligation to allow your mother to drive you insane. You've arranged some home health for her; she needs more but is refusing that help. Not Your Fault.

There is no such thing as spending quality time with an elder when they are at this point. The minute they see you they put you to work then when it is time for you to leave they are upset you did not 'visit' with them. Well of course not because you just spent the last two hours doing laundry, cleaning the bathroom and running an errand. My father complained I never visited. My daughter pointed out I was there all the time but he replied "yes but she is always doing stuff". So all my trips there never counted as a visit because I was put to work.

I find the best thing to do is redirect. My father's newest obsession is moving to another AL as the one we have him in is 'too nice'. He just isn't getting enough attention so he wants to move to a place where they will fuss over him. Basically he wants to live in a hospital room. We have gotten into some big fights because I just don't have the energy to move him again. I work full time and have other responsibilities other than humoring him. My husband told him we would revisit the idea in the spring. So that gave us a couple of nag free months. My husband is gambling on the fact dad is 90 years old and won't be around much longer. I think he is going to lose that bet.

Lets keep in mind not every situation is the same!

How can I redirect anything when my mother is calling me so many times a day or night??
It’s only 5:30pm here & shes already called 11 times!!!!
I let her calls go to voicemail (so I don’t hear it ring & my work doesn’t get interrupted) but then I find myself pulling over (I drive a lot) to listen to messages every hour or so because I’m feeling guilty that she may have called w/a TRUE emergency or something, even though she has a medic alert system & in that event the alarm co would call me & their number would come thru & not go to vm because I havent blocked their number).
But I’m finding that when I listen to her calls, I’m getting very, very angry.. cursing out loud, etc because of all this aggravation she’s causing me.
Am I justified or is she driving me to a nervous breakdown??
How do you all deal with this??
How can I get her to STOP???

When she calls she’ll say things like “come over & see your mother, there’s no work tonight, just come over & spend time here. I’ll buy a pizza, etc.
She’s so controlling & needy I can’t take it!
I HAVE to work everyday to pay my bills & she always trying to undermine my being able to do that by shaming me or making me feel guilty that I can’t go & see her everyday so she calls constantly.
Always trying to get me to go over to her house.
Always coming up w/some thing like “I won’t be around much longer, so come & see your mother ok??”.
Or sometimes she’s angry & says “your waiting for me to die aren’t you so you don’t have to deal w/me??”.
THATS when I get really p**** & it’s affecting my health.
I’m eating more, gaining weight having trouble sleeping etc because of all this stress.
I know she is dying & feeling alone & scared but I AM NOT capable of filling all her neediness, her wanting to have someone there w/her all day & night.
When I go there, since she has the commode in her bedroom, when she goes #2 she doesn’t even close the lid on the bucket so when I walk in the odor of poo hits me as soon as I’m in the door & it nauseates me, I clean it up but don’t want to stay there & try to get everything done so I can go back home.
I could never be a nurse or caregiver having to do those things, I’m just not able to.
I admire those who can, but I’m having extreme difficulty even though it’s my own mother.
My mom’s hygiene is terrible.
I have to say that I’m finding it very, very difficult to stay in the same room w/her as the odor is probably coming from her not being able to wipe herself that well after she does a poo, and she wears those fleece jogging pants and no underwear.
Lord knows that fleece material holds on to odors because when I wash her clothes, they still smell even after being cleaned..
She gets mad when I mention (hygiene) to her and again tried to shame me & she’ll say “I’d never talk to my mother like that, your terrible to tell me I should take a shower”.
So the caregiver texts me & tells me “your mom didn’t want to bathe today, maybe tomorrow “..
Then she’ll offer to pay a car payment for me so she can then hold it over me later & say “you come over when your getting the money I paid for your car right?”.
She knows how I’m struggling (financially) so an offer to pay any of my bills is something very hard to turn down but then I have to hear it from her later..
Is this a normal mother/daughter relationship?
I don’t think so.

When she calls she’ll say things like “come over & see your mother, there’s no work tonight, just come over & spend time here. I’ll buy a pizza, etc.
She’s so GD controlling & needy I can’t take it!
I HAVE to work everyday to pay my bills & she always trying to undermine my being able to do that by shaming me or making me feel guilty that I can’t go & see her everyday so she calls constantly.
Always trying to get me to go over to her house.
Always coming up w/some thing like “I won’t be around much longer, so come & see your mother ok??”.
Or sometimes she’s angry & says “your waiting for me to die aren’t you so you don’t have to deal w/me??”.
THATS when I get really pissed & it’s affecting my health.
I’m eating more, gaining weight having trouble sleeping etc because of all this stress.
I know she is dying & feeling alone & scared but I AM NOT capable of filling all her neediness, her wanting to have someone there w/her all day & night.
When I go there, since she has the commode in her bedroom, when she goes #2 she doesn’t even close the lid on the bucket so when I walk in the odor of poo hits me as soon as I’m in the door & it nauseates me, I clean it up but don’t want to stay there & try to get everything done so I can go back home.
I could never be a nurse or caregiver having to do those things, I’m just not able to.
I admire those who can, but I’m having extreme difficulty even though it’s my own mother.
My mom’s hygiene is poor.
I have to say that I’m finding it very, very difficult to stay in the same room w/her as the odor is probably coming from her not being able to wipe herself that well after she does a poo, and she wears those fleece jogging pants and no underwear.
Lord knows that fleece material holds on to odors because when I wash her clothes, they still smell even after being cleaned..
She gets mad when I mention (hygiene) to her and again she tries to shame me & she’ll say “I’d never talk to my mother like that, your terrible to tell me I stink”. (I’ve never told her she stinks, but have said she smells bad).
So the caregiver texts me & tells me “your mom didn’t want to bathe today, maybe tomorrow “..
Then she’ll offer to pay a car payment for me so she can then hold it over me later & say “you come over when your getting the money I paid for your car right?”.
She knows how I’m struggling (financially) so an offer to pay any of my bills is something very hard to turn down but then I have to hear it from her later..
Is this a normal mother/daughter relationship?
I don’t think so.

I completely get what you are saying. My father would say "the end is near, I need to see you ONE LAST TIME". I fell for that a couple times but soon learned not to.

You may not be able to redirect her so then you need to redirect yourself. Having her calls go to voicemail is a good thing. Next step....only listen to messages every other day. If it is a true emergency she has a button to push and if she was at the hospital THEY would call you. Decide what you can and can't do and live those boundaries to the best of your ability. I am on another site and we had a person who felt they had to jump every time her mother called with the crisis du jour. She finally learned she could back away and deal with her mother on her terms and the world did not fall apart. Her mother even learned to do somethings for herself when she realized her daughter was no longer at her beck and call.

The smell.....my father cannot figure out why I will not hug or touch him. He has always had poor hygene his entire life. When he lived on his own I refused to even go near his bathroom. I have to remind him to wash his hands whenever he uses the bathroom.

My father loves to go to the ER and would want me to take him. There is no such thing as a quick trip to the ER. I fell for that one for over a year. I finally had enough since his trips were never for anything serious. Last time he got me to take him I told him I could drive him there but I could not wait for him. I got stuck sitting there for 2 hours with him until they took him. I told him I needed to leave and he snapped how I should just take him home to die. FYI his catheter bag was leaking and I refuse to deal with bodily fluids. He was not ill or dying. I snapped back that I had brought him here so he was going to get his issue resolved. When the nurse came I got up to leave and got a nice guilt trip from her. At that point I didn't care. I just couldn't do it anymore.

I suggest you decide on what you can handle as far as visiting your mother. One night after work and maybe an hour or so on the weekend. For me I could only handle my father for about 2 hours once every other week. Now that he is in AL I made a new goal of once a month (not counting holidays or family birthdays) and I am pretty good at sticking to it. I have to or he will take advantage. I had to be at a doctor appointment for him a few months back and he automatically assumed I would be at ALL appointments with this doctor. He has no idea how hard it was for me to be there that day.

You can't change her, you can only change how you react to her. Take care of yourself.

With her phone calling, can you bring yourself to either turn off your phone, or if not, if she's calling a cell phone press the "block caller" button for a few/several hours?

If there's ever a real emergency and she's capable of calling 911 or someone else (to ensure she's safe in an emergency) then tell her you will enforce that you're not taking her calls between "so and so hours". This way you get no calls and there are no messages to wade through.

I can't imagine what you have to go through, Hangingon61! Hopefully, with time, she'll understand--if she's able--that calling several times a day will not work.

Note: be aware depending on the phone and service provider a blocked caller can still leave a voice message through voice mail.

Hi Hangingon, Did the doctor explain where your mom's brain was being affected? There was a guest on Fresh Air a couple of weeks ago talking about some kinds of dementia affecting the hippocampus - so instead of people "forgetting" they are actually not even forming a new memory to start with. If your mom's cancer is affecting that area of her brain, or if she has some dementia, she may not realize she just called you. Even if you answered all the calls, it probably wouldn't really make her feel better for more than a few minutes anyway.

Maybe also telling your mom that you will call her a certain time? Have you tried putting a note next to her chair that says "Do not call Hangingon at work. She will call you around 7:00 pm" or something like that?

I feel really bad for you. You sound like you have caregiver burnout, and from previous posts, it sounds like your health is suffering. It might help to just talk to someone a couple of times. Catholic Charities (if you are near Chi.) offers counseling services on a sliding scale. They have multiple services, but one of theirs that specializes in family issues is Holbrook Counseling Center (1-312-655-7725.) It might help to be able to talk to someone. Catholic Charities also has a "Senior Case Management" page on their website -- that may have something for your mom (extra caregiver hours, etc.)

Your routine sounds exhausting. Clearly you are doing a ton for your mom. What you are both going through is overwhelming. I really think lkdry's advice about deciding first what you can handle, then building your schedule around that, makes a lot of sense.

I hope you are feeling better today.

Hangingon, I so feel your pain, my dad is obese and can not properly clean after BM, chooses not to brush his teeth and may or may not change his brief everyday, because I don't have that problem anymore. I do take him out for lunch and to his appointments, when he smells horrid I tell him, he gets angry, your the only one that smells anything, no one else says a word, the doctor wouldn't treat me if it was that bad and on and on and on. I tell him that I tell him because I am embarrassed for him, nobody wants to be the one saying you smell bad. His caregiver got after me one day for making him feel bad, I supposedly said he smelled like an old man, I was quick to correct her, I did not say that, I told him he smelled like a dirty butt. I am at my wits end with the bad hygiene, he was never very concerned about it and now he expects me to let him make my vehicle smell like a dirty toilet and urinate all over my bathrooms, home and work. I just can not deal with it either. Can your mom ambulate at all? I see residents at my dads AL that go on day trips all the time and then use bedside commodes - OH H**L NO! This is just making someone a servant unnecessarily. So is your mom on Hospice care yet? If not, you should check on that, they have counseling for you and can help you with resources to get her more caregivers so you do not have to deal with that. Also, I highly recommend using baking soda in commode, it does help with odors and can be put in with every cleaning and you can cover your face with a mask and sprinkle to help minimize the gross factor. She can also sprinkle on after and I would tell her under no uncertain terms that needs to be done, it is not fair to ask anyone to deal with that when you can help make it less gross. I know some things seem harsh and cold but we are dealing with adults and if they choose to act like children then they get treated like children. Yes, she has chosen to let her cancer take her life, may have with treatment anyways, but loving people do not try to destroy others on their way out. I have heard that we die as we lived, so I am guessing that your mom has always manipulated you and played head games, am I correct? Please, Please, Please do something to relieve your stress or she may out live you. Stress causes weight gain, I can attest to that. Do something kind for yourself and do not let her know, no need to give her ammo. See her and talk to her when you can, not because you have time, but because you are able to be in control of you and your reactions to her and your head is screwed on straight so she can not send you on a guilt trip, I know easier said than done, but all things worth having are worth working hard for, this is one of them.
Oh, my dad uses the "you just put my dead body in the back of my truck and haul me off:( Nope, can't do dad, laws prohibit such things. I have had to be someone I am not with him, that was/is the hardest thing for me to deal with, but he would devour me if I let him. He made his choices and lived his life the way he wanted, he doesn't get mine as well, PERIOD. God Bless you and your fur kids and may He help your mom in her final journey to be more loving and kind to you and herself.

Have you considered getting counseling to find out why you are having such a hard time limiting your mother's calls and why you have a hard time telling her no? You are absolutely getting sick from all the drama. Literally stress kills. I had to have counseling to do the same thing all of the post here are suggesting and it literally saved my life.

As I read your follow up comments I sense you’re really not in a good place, and have probably developed clinical anxiety yourself.

I think it’s not only your mom’s demands what’s affecting you so deeply, It probably is a mix of a lot of factors, such as knowing your mother is dying (despite how fed up you feel, this is a very heavy weight to carry in the heart/mind for anybody), your financial situation and feeling alone facing the world.

Was your mother/daughter relationship difficult all throughout your life of is this something recent?

The best advice I can give you from the bottom of my heart is the following: Do a deep soul and mind search to figure out what will give you peace now and afterwards.
What action path with your mother will allow you to, at the end, feel that you’ve done the best YOU think you could.

I’m saying this because I’m also an only child and I too face a LOT of difficulties, but deep deep down, despite the many sacrifices, the unfairness I feel I’m a victim of many days or many times during the day!, the feeling of despair which can be overwhelming...despite all that, I feel I’m doing the right thing. In MY book.
Others would and could do things differently but for me what I’m doing is the right thing for my long term peace of mind.

You struggle with guilt a lot, I know, and your mom pushes you to the limit many times, but once she is gone and through this path you need to find out and do what gives YOU peace.
If that is taking your mom’s calls, going to see her when she wants you to, or if you’re ok with doing the opposite..do what makes YOU feel you’re doing the right thing.

I say this because here we all can tell you “don’t answer her calls, set boundaries, just tell her I can’t..etc, etc”; but if YOU feel that’ll increase your guilt, let me tell you, guilt will overburden you more than the annoyance of having to deal with the phone calls, unpleasant smells, requests to go see her, etc.

Now, if she is able, mentally, to understand, can you explain to her that the many calls are endangering your job and your mental health? In other words, can you reason with your mom?

If not, can you go see her physician without her and explain the situation and see what he suggests? There are resources that doctors know of that might help you both. And even the fact that you disclose to him her entire situation will be very helpful to address medical needs.

Additionally, you could try natural medicine for her anxiety for example tea, pills, etc, that you could give her that -consulting with her doctor first- may help her to control her anxiety.

About hygiene, could you kind of negotiate with her? “Ok mom, I’ll stop by tonight but only if you promise me you’ll take a shower while your caregiver is there”; sort of like you’d do with a kid, in a kind matter.

Finally, consider that she’s probably extremely afraid. She knows she’s very ill, probably will die...her anxiety and sense of dependency are likely totally out of control, aside from any other possible issue, like her brain being affected.

Try to apply any of the suggestions here to get your some peace, and then once more calmed, try to replace your despair with compassion...coming from someone that faces the same challenge, some days more than others.

No, it’s not easy, not even close! But you’re the only one that knows what’s best for you. Look for that answer in your heart!

God bless!!

I really appreciate & NEED to hear others opinions/advice on this, I truly do... and just when I’ve read everyone’s I started to feel just a little better in my decision to take off going over to my moms tonight after work (I work, driving UberEats till 11pm) but then my mom has called me 6 times already since earlier this evening starting around 6pm leaving messages saying “I hope you get off work earlier tonight because you need to come & empty the commode.. I’ve had diarrhea, I don’t know why but it’s getting full & I have to go to the bathroom again”.
“I’ll wait for you, thanks & see you later”..

Now it’s close to 10:30pm & I’m on my last delivery which takes me close to my house so I’m reluctantly going over to empty her commode so this doesn’t make my head explode w/anger.

To answer someone else’s advice (I’m sorry I can’t recall who right now) about telling my mom’s doctor about all that’s been going on, my mother DOES not have a GP anymore.
She refused to go see the new doctor that replaced her old one back in Oct. 2016 so she’s not been established w/her.
The only doctor she’s seen were the ones in the hospitals when she’s went (5 ER trips the last year & she stayed inpatient about 4-5 days each time.
Then a visiting doctor came once to the house last October to see her but he didn’t do much except take her blood pressure, listen to her lungs, etc..
My mother has refused hospice (was advised from the hospice/palliative nurse that she would benefit from it) but she told her “I’m not ready for that, don’t need that yet” so the nurse said “ok”.
She comes once a month  to do a check up, that’s it.
So there’s no fucking doctor for me to talk to.
I think I may crack up soon.
Please forgive me for cursing.

No wonder you're close to cracking -- the exhaustion, the stress, the sadness, and feeling stuck are not a good combination.

There is so much here that you don't have control over. At least if you can make decisions about your visiting schedule, it is SOMETHING that you can feel in control of. Same for answering phone.

If she end up having to go to the ER again, maybe it would be a good idea to ask for her to see an oncologist and geriatric psychiatrist while she's there. Try to push for it while she's still in the hospital because once she gets home, you won't get her to go.

This situation is not your fault. It sounds like you really understand how and why your mom might have been thinking the way she did, which is why you have cut her so much slack. But I think if she had all her faculties, she wouldn't be asking all this from you. If you have to say no sometimes, it isn't malice on your part. Sometimes you need a break -- stress makes us short-tempered and there might be times it's better for both of you if you can take a break.

I hope you can get a good night's sleep tonight and start fresh tomorrow. I'm so sorry.

I would crack up to if I was in your shoes. So sorry for your situation.

Hanginon, is your mom bed ridden, I have asked if she was mobile and can not find if that was answered. The F bomb can release stress for some and right now it sounds like if you don't leak you will blow. Okay, so she's not ready for more care, tell her you are. If she can not even get to a toilet she needs daily care, whether she agrees or not you need to get some help for her to help yourself. If her cancer has metastasized to her brain she is not able to make good decisions. Has your relationship always been a challenge? You seem to be browbeat, please do not take offense, I am not judging, I'm in my own dysfunctional situation with my Dad and coming to terms with the reality. One dear poster called him an abuser which at first through me, until I really looked and she was spot on.

Please get your mom some professional help, hospice is not only for terminal cases, do some research, print it out and talk to her. Just because she changed your diapers as a baby doesn't obligate you to deal with hers now.

I keep replying because I feel for you Hangingon, and I feel for your mom too. Your posts are desperate.

I’ll tell you what someone very smart told me a while ago: “Sounds to me that this situation with your mom has far exceeded what you and her can handle on your own”.

You might have gotten lost in the midst of your tiredness and nervous breakdown (sorry, I truly think it is the case. Don’t mean to hurt or assume anything), and you’re not realizing that you’re really not helping your mom, not the type of help she needs. It’s an out of control situation.

It doesn’t really matter if you do it for your own sake or hers, but look for actual help, help beyond what our comments here can provide you. If she doesn’t have a doctor, you can and should go see a doctor and explain the situation, get information about local resources available. Any hospital I believe will have some sort of information and resources that can help. It’s really not up to what your mom prefers at this point, because her judgment -as well as yours- is clouded. Different reasons for each of you, but same result, a situation out of control.

I truly believe once you start doing something, getting on a plan to change things, you’ll feel more in control. When one feels in control peace also comes, with peace clarity of mind comes, with clarity of mind life starts changing!

I would never have been able to empty a commode. What would have happened of you were sick and unable to go over? Doesn't she have aids for that?

My father lived within walking distance to his GP but would always wait for a day the doctor was not open to NEED to get medical attention....and when I say he planned all this, he would notice an issue but instead of going to the doctor he would wait a few days until the doctor was not open to insist he needed assistance right now. Then he would need me to drive him to the ER for a routine issue that a doctor could have handled easily in an office visit. He didn't think this was an issue for me because he waited for the weekend when I didn't have to work. Heaven forbid I have other responsibilities other than his wants or needs.

Hangingon, try writing down some "chain reactions."

1. Carrying on as is.
You think you may crack up soon (I'm impressed you haven't already).
Let's say you do crack up, in a way that puts you out of action.
Mother has no one to come and empty her sewage-filled commode.
She does it herself, or carries on regardless, Heaven help us.
Mother gets very ill very rapidly.
Mother winds up in ER on an IV, or gets herself to bed, becomes dehydrated and delirious and unable to call for help and goes into organ failure.

Result: bad consequences for you and mother.

2. Reporting her in to APS and withdrawing from contact.
You contact APS and report your mother's vulnerable living situation, including illness, and her consistent refusal to accept support.
They visit her.
She tells them to bog off.
They do as she asks.
They write their assessment.
You have to stick to your line in the sand and not accept her calls. This will be very difficult for you, but you will have to.
Listen to your voicemails to monitor her situation. Do not call mother back. Report any immediate real problems to APS or the emergency services, as needed.
Mother, already on APS's "at risk" register, will come to harm. God willing, not too much harm.
APS will then be able to intervene.

Result: rescue for mother, possibly long-term security for mother; hideous feelings of guilt for you in the short term, followed by relief from insane levels of responsibility for a situation you couldn't possibly control.


These are only worked examples - I realise I don't know the important details of what exactly is going on with your mother, or who you're in touch with, or how she's coping. But try doing this kind of thing for yourself and see if it points you in a more hopeful direction. Or at least makes it obvious which is your "least worst" option. Hugs and hugs. Here we are, keep venting.

Hangingon,
You have gotten good advice.

You mentioned a professional comes to your Mom’s house once a month possibly a Pallative Care Professional? Have you been in contact with that person? For ideas or suggestions on how to put a care plan together for your Mom?

Honestly, your Mom’s condition is not going to get better and in all reality is going to get much worse.

So, your Mom has not put together a plan for herself for the dark days to come. If she has to go to a facility that is not your fault!

Presently she needs more care than the Medicaid provided home health are now providing. Not your fault! You can’t afford to stop working and be by her side 24/7 to fill in the gaps. If she is not able to grasp that fact then she’s not thinking clearly.

I am thinking the Pallative Care Professional SHOULD be your best connection possibly with the help of APS to get your Mom into a facility. She’s not going to like it. You may have to go no contact. The alternative is everything is going to get worse and you are going to go NUTZ.

You seek answers to the phone dilemma. Don’t answer the phone or listen to messages while at work. Or change your phone number and block your number when you call her once or twice a day. Do you feel you can do either? I don’t know what other choice you have.

.

Thank you everyone.
I REALLY APPRECIATE you all taking time to give me these ideas & advice.xo
Here’s what’s happening as of today.
My mom’s wound on her breast started bleeding last night.
She called me about 5 times while I was @ Work.
I couldn’t leave to go see her.
She then (I found out today) called her caregiver who comes Mon-Fri from 1-5pm to come over but I don’t think the lady said she would or maybe didn’t answer her phone.
The visiting nurse came today (she’s been coming x2 a week to take vitals, change wound dressing, etc)
& called me when she left moms to tell me her wound “doesn’t look good” and she says my mom SHOULD see an oncologist.
So far mom has refused ALL treatment, exams, advice, etc whenever she’s been in the hospital (last year she went in 5 different times) from the ER pertaining to her cancer (breast and any other that she may have).
She turned down hospice advice last year when she came home from one of the hospital stays because an ex ray they took of her chest showed what the radiologist said was “suspected breast carcinoma, in addition to modules on her lungs).
But she refused any advice, treatment or testing of that further. (Her mom, my grandma died of breast cancer @ 64 yes old, she went thru surgery, chemo, radiation. & my mom was her caregiver so my mom vowed she’s not going to “take that poison if I should get it”).

The hospice suggestion was given last Feb because at that time she told them she “wasn’t ready” for that so the hospice/palliative nurse comes once, maybe twice a month to check on her.
My mom is only allowed 20 hours a week home care because that’s all Medicaid will pay for (I think) but the nurse today told me my mom NEEDS someone to come on at least Saturdays too.
Mon-Fri, 4 hours a day isn’t enough right now.
Problem is none or most of the caregivers will not come on a weekend.
They don’ want to work.
I’m trying to get the senior services coordinator (who deals w/the state) to increase my mom’s allotted hours so we can ask a caregiver if they will come on a Sat.
As I said before, most of them won’t take on the extra work on a Sat, but I’m hoping if he’ll allow the extra 4 hours, then I can work on finding a caregiver who will come on Sat.
The other issue is convincing my mom she HAS to see an oncologist.
She will need the ambulance to take her to the doctors office or hospital (wherever he’s at) because she can’t get down her front porch stairs into my car, then there the issue of getting her back home.
Has to be a medical team and/or ambulance.
Now with my mom’s history of being frightened to death of cooperating to see ANY doctors, particularly a CANCER doctor is going to be almost impossible for me to do..
This is starting to become a nightmare that I can’t wake up from..
I’m going over to see my mom tonight after work & try to convince her to see an oncologist.
What can I do if she refuses ???
She wants everyone to come to her aid in the middle of the night when she starts bleeding again.
Refuses to let me call 911 to take her to the ER so they can deal w/it because she says “I don’t want to go the hospital, I’ll never come out of there”!!
So then I have to call APS???
Who is that & what do I tell them???
PLEASE HELP!!!

First You call 911. Let the EMTs examine her and make a determination.  If she refuses transport, they may well call APS.

You also call APS and tell them that your "mother is a danger to herself, because she is refusing basic medical treatment. She has an open wound that may become septic."

You also tell them that you have no POA and no authority to force your mother to get care, but that she is a vulnerable elder who may not be acting in her own best interest, possibly due to mental illness, dementia or brain metastases from her primary breast cancer.

BarbBrooklyn thank you for that.
Does APS mean Adult Protective System?

Adult Protective services. Where does mom live?

Hanging, understand that for whatever reason, (brain metastases, mental illness, dementia) mom is not playing with a full deck of cards right now. You are not under any obligation to provide her with hands on care, which would cost you your livelihood, but you can get "the authorities" to take a look and decide if she meets the requirements to be forced onto a better living environment.


Sadly, when our parents don't trust us or think that we have their best interests at heart, we need to being in the big guns to force care.

Be at peace with your decisions to call 911 now and APS tomorrow.

Agree definitely call 911 next time she calls you bleeding. EMTs can be very persuasive and will make her go to the ER.
If she does not wish to have treatment at this time it is probably too late to hope for a cure anywaybut she definitely needs to be in some sort of care facility. I think you already mentioned she had Medicaid so she won't have a problem being placed..
You can also ask the police to do a wellness check as she is definitely a vulnerable adult.

Reading this thread, I have to wonder if maybe a guardianship would be possible. Mom is making bad decision after bad decision and maybe it is because of deterioration in judgement and thinking skills. She certainly has lost any ability she ever had to give you any consideration or empathy.

Hi Hangingon, how did things go? I think Veronica made a good point about your mom maybe listening to the EMTs. Maybe even if you and her caregiver could talk to her together, it would have more impact than trying to convince her alone. I hope she will see someone. This is more than anyone should have to handle on their own. I hope you are ok.