Can I bring my mother to MN from Iowa to live with me in my home as her caretaker yet continue with her doctors in Iowa? Can she contribute room and board as assistance to me as her caretaker as I would need to quit my job to give the daily care she needs.
or can she stay in Iowa purchase a residence and I move down there (still quitting my job) to be her caretaker and be provided some type of income as well as having the house deeded to me after two years without fear of Medicare taking it when she needs a care facility. My sister and I have discussed these options and one of us needs to do it sooner than later within the next two months. Any advice ? Thanks!!
None of us have a crystal ball to see how our aging parent will be doing a few months or few years from now. With dementia, all it takes is a serious fall with a head bump to make the dementia accelerate. And like Barb had mentioned at the top of the answers, one person cannot be the caregiver. It can take a village, otherwise you will crash and burn.
If Mom buys a house, and down the dementia path she needs to go into senior care, but cannot afford the monthly cost [it cost my Mom $12k per month for long-term-care] then your Mom will need to apply for Medicaid [which is different from Medicare]. Medicaid will see that Mom had "gifted" you her house... big red flag. Medicaid will place a lien on the house.
I know, getting older can be so darn complicated when it comes to care :(
Need to think about what quitting your job will mean to your
Retirement plans and your quality of life. I never even imagined
what It would be like. It was a life altering decision that I didn’t
even really have a choice in. My Dad called me and ask if he could stay with me awhile. He walked in handed me his checkbook and
Medicine and said I can’t do this anymore. He had a blood clot on
his brain and had surgery a month later and it went down hill from there. He did not have enough money to go into an assisted living
and we applied for a VA aid and attendance benefit. It took 9 mos
To finally get it started. I had worked for 30 years at my job and had to go on disability the yr prior to Dad’s arrival or I would have not even been able to take care of him. I could not have just quit
my job to take care of him. We were already strapped by my sudden lost of income from my disability. Stress was the worst
thing for recovery from my illness, but I didn’t have a choice. The
doctors told me he may get back to where he was after brain surgery. That never happened. Dad could feed himself, go to the bathroom and walk. He could not learn how to use his phone, tv
changer or do anything for himself. He called me every time a
Commercial came on TV to ask me what was he watching. He thought the channel changed every time a commercial came on.
There are things that happened when they have dementia that you
Can’t even begin to imagine. My Dad had been totally independent until he was 83. It was the worst 15 months of my life
Trying to take care of him while being sick. Also my husband was
Not supportive at all because my Dad had never really been active
in my family. He would come down about 2 times a year at Christmas and maybe once in the summer. He only lived 100 miles away. My mom died 17 years ago. He drove cars from auto
auctions until he was 82 but he never wanted to drive here to see his grandkids. I know he loved me and his grandkids but he was
always more interested in his friends than us. This was not new.
He never took any interest in what I did when I was in school either. All those feeling started coming back to me when I was
Struggling to take care of him. I thought we migh have this time to really get close and have a relationship but he could not hold a conversation. He went over and over the few things he remembered from my childhood. He asked the same questions over and over and over. Most of them were about his brother’s
children. He would talk to them and laugh on the phone about
Something that happened 40 or 50 years ago. We didn’t have a lot of old memories to talk about. When I was real young, he worked
out of town for months at a time. One of the stories I was always told was when my Dad came home and told me to do something and I ask my Mom “do I have to mind that man?” Mom said I guess so he’s your father. I didn’t have all those warm and fuzzy feeling
that help you have compassion. I did cry every time I thought about putting him in AL because I was doing so much for him and I didn’t think he would have anyone to do those things for him at the AL. When I say he would rather be with friends than family I
really mean it. He wanted me to put him in an AL that was near his friends so they could come see him. Never mind that I have to
drive 100 miles to see him. I know I am rambling but it just started
flowing out and it feels good to say all these things that I feel.
Thank you all for all the help I have learned from this forum.
There are 4 siblings, lil sis lives out of the country, brother busy with his family, so it is my older sister and I providing the care and weekly visits. I have already experienced living with my mother-in-law who has dementia for the four years that she lived with us. She eventually moved out of state to live with a family member. being the daughter that I am though I thought as it is my mother that I could provide her with loving environment until we can find the long term care she requires as there are no openings near where she resides in the interim as the current resident director feels she is not able to continue living where she is and she is not I don't feel ready for a manor care setting. This is a great forum for communication, I appreciate the feedback.
It is lovely of both of you to think of providing your mother with a private home environment for as long as possible. But as I found out too late, dementia is the deal-wrecker. Truly, your mother will fare *much* better if she makes the one natural transition from independent living to long term continuing care than she will if she goes from IL to at-home-with-daughter to memory care - the disruption will be infinitely worse, and that's not even taking into account the potential damage to you daughters.
Do you and your sister live near one another? Are your mother's doctors that crucial to her wellbeing? It's a question of where best to look for the ideal setting for her.
Medicare ( medical insurance for those over 65) does not pay for long term care, nor does it care how much money you have or make. Medicaid is a program that pays for LTC and cares a great deal about your mom's funds, assets and income stream. For a single person, you generally need to be impoverished to qualify.
You need to talk to a certified Eldercare attorney, probably in both states, because Medicaid regs differ among states.
The truth that you need to know is that one person cannot care for a dementia patient by herself. You will need regular respite. You will need vacations. You need health insurance.
Eventually, your mom will need three shifts of caregivers, either at home or in a facility.
Personally, I think quitting your job is a terrible idea.
Mull over these facts and others will chime in.