My mom is 83 with later-stage dementia. She has recently begun to speak in exaggerated baby-talk. It doesn't stop her from hurling insults and making very hurtful comments to me and my husband. We left our home to come live with her and take care of her. I have two brothers - neither of them lift a finger to help, yet they've both questioned me about "what Mom included for them in her Will". Mom’s house and assets were placed into a trust, and will pass on to me upon her death. I have POA as well. She left my brothers a little money in her life insurance policy. But that’s it. They live in different states and made it clear they “weren’t able” to help.
Also, if I try to discuss anything of importance, or I even gently ask if she could cut down on her hurtful remarks to me - she begins to wail loudly, and pretends to cry (not a single tear), building up to a dramatic crescendo if she doesn't get the attention she seeks. I've stopped responding to these phony outbursts, and when she realizes I'm not falling for it - she abruptly stops, and returns peacefully to her TV show, newspaper or whatever she was doing.
I'm beginning to feel both resentful and guilty. She's my mom and I want to take care of her. She begged and cried until my husband and I agreed to come stay with her. Her home is larger than ours and has a spacious guest room for us to use, but we do still have a home of our own to take care of - we don't "need to be here" as she seems to believe, and she's certainly not "taking care of two adults" as she constantly jots down in little notes which she leaves laying all around the house. Though I realize the dementia is progressing, I am feeling like she's being extremely manipulative, and she knows what she's doing. Between the daily tasks of seeing to her care, doing the housekeeping, cooking, laundry, running her errands, answering the same dozen questions OVER AND OVER literally every five minutes, and that God awful baby talk - I am at my wit's end. It's affecting my marriage and my health. I myself am living with Lupus, diabetes, hypertension, and trying to recover from a Laminectomy (spine surgery) with a Lumbar Fusion. Needless to say, it's a WHOLE LOT!
What should I do? Is it time to consider memory care in assisted living? Or am I over reacting? I need your thoughts, everyone.
My mom doesn’t have any form of dementia so I will leave that up to the people on this forum that have experience with that. My mom has Parkinson’s disease.
I did burn out. I had sibling issues too. Unfortunately, in my situation the relationship between my mother and I became strained. I suppose sometimes that can’t be avoided for various reasons.
Too much togetherness is hard on families. Lack of privacy, changes in routines and lifestyles all plays a part. Anyway, I am no longer mom’s caregiver. Long story.
I feel relieved. Surrender your responsibility to be the primary caregiver and you will be relieved too. I promise.
Take care 💗.
You have a tremendous amount on your place. Lupus alone, let alone all the other things, is very dangerous when you tax yourself too much. It is time to put mom into care. Do understand that, with her acting out badly she will likely need a memory care unit where there is staff equipped to hand this. It is, quite honestly, not going to get better; it can only get worse; you are putting your own health at risk.
You have control of things. Your Mom should not be in care with you doing only visits. So sorry for all you are going through. Chronic health things are so depressing all on their own, and with this added it is sounding impossible.
I’m fighting a lupus flare right now, and have finally realized that I cannot continue this way. If something happens to me - my mom will not have anyone here to look after her. I’ll be hiring someone to come help out for two days a week, and my husband and I can return to our home for a quiet break and a much- needed getaway now and then. In the meantime I’m gathering info on memory care AL facilities so we’ll be prepared when it becomes necessary. Thank you again for sharing your thoughts. You’ve been a great help!
So glad Mom looked out for you. Play dumb with brothers, you have no idea what Mom set up.
Thank you for your thoughts - and I agree, this is not my Mom saying and doing these things. But as each day goes by, things are getting worse. I've reached out for help so I can get out of the house once or twice a week. And now, sadly I do believe it's time for LTC. As for my brothers - you're absolutely right, and I'll no longer entertain their questions... I'll simply tell them that I don't know what's in Mom's Will. Thank you again for your help.
Please look into some ALFs in your area before all of this affects your health and prevents you from healing!
Good luck
Indeed, your words hit home, and I agree that keeping Mom here at home is no longer a healthy option for any of us. I'm in the beginning of another flare right now - and it will not be possible for me to continue on in this manner. I've sought out some help for a day or two each week, and I'll be taking some time to find a good ALF or LTC for my Mom. These have been some very tough times, and these have been equally tough decisions. I appreciate your help, and your kindness.
Yes, you're right about that - I'm burned out in the worst way, both physically and mentally. I've received wonderful advice here in this forum and I'm truly grateful. I have decided to find a nice facility for my Mom, so that we all can remain healthy and able to deal with the days ahead. Thank you very much for your help!
Thank you for your suggestions. And although you may be new here - your support means more than you know! It’s been heart wrenching trying to decide if it’s time to consider an AL facility, and I’m finally at peace decision that yes, it is. As much as I wanted to care for her myself, and in her home - it’s in her best interest to find a place that is equipped with professional staff to address her needs and care for her properly. And as you pointed out, she’ll no doubt come to enjoy the activities and the new friendships that come along with being there. Thank you again!